Confronting Inner Dragons To Find Purpose with Victor Giusfredi

Ever wondered how facing your inner dragons can transform your life? Join us as we sit down with Victor Giusfredi, an inspiring entrepreneur, mindset coach, and author who shares his incredible journey from a tumultuous childhood to professional success. Victor reveals the powerful quote that redirected his path and the resilience needed to overcome profound personal challenges, including two divorces and the existential void of early retirement. Discover how Victor's life trials became mini-quests that ultimately led him to a purpose-driven life.

Inspired by the likes of Jordan Peterson and Joseph Campbell, we delve into the hero’s journey and the necessity of psychological introspection. Victor discusses the uncomfortable yet essential process of self-discovery, utilizing tools like the Big Five, MBTI, and IQ tests. He shares personal stories illustrating the transformative power of confronting our shortcomings and inner conflicts. This conversation underscores the importance of understanding oneself to foster genuine personal growth and highlights how loss and coping mechanisms shape our perceptions of love and impermanence.

In our final segment, Victor offers deep insights from his latest book and generously provides a free download for our listeners. We explore themes of responsibility, mindfulness, and the impact of our environment on personal and relational growth. Victor’s reflections on loss, grief, and the eureka moments that have defined his journey provide actionable insights for anyone seeking fulfilment and well-being. Don't miss this compelling discussion filled with wisdom and practical advice for navigating life’s challenges with intention and resilience.

Key moments:
03:37 Victor's Journey: Overcoming Life's Challenges
04:56 The Darkest Night: Facing Existential Crisis
15:45 Understanding Loss and Coping Mechanisms
23:34 The Burden of Wealth and Existential Questions
24:58 Defining Purpose and Intentional Living
25:24 Jack Canfield and Discovering Personal Purpose
26:36 The Importance of Responsibility and Avoiding Suffering
30:25 The Role of Environment in Shaping Behavior
32:50 Taking Care of Yourself for Others
35:55 Reframing Personal Narratives
38:44 Best Advice and Knowing Thyself
41:04 The Value of Self-Development
42:48 Conclusion and Contact Information

How to reach Victor:
Website: https://victorgiusfredi.com/
Book: No Grail Without Dragons
FB: http://facebook.com/victorgiusfredi
IG: http://instagram.com/VictorJGiusfredi
YouTube: http://youtube.com/@heroacademyx
X:

Chapters

• 0:00 Hero's Journey to Personal Transformation
• 8:58 Uncovering Self-Discovery Through Dragons
• 12:13 The Journey of Personal Growth
• 16:05 Navigating Loss and Coping Mechanisms
• 20:36 Navigating Coping Mechanisms and Purpose
• 26:04 Self-Responsibility and Overcoming Suffering
• 31:07 Navigating Personal Growth Through Relationships
• 42:33 Author Offers Free Book Download

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

In my early 30s, my life fell apart, and it was during that time when I started to read books and get on a personal development journey, and that has not stopped ever since. And early in my journey I came across the essence of destiny quote. So I'm going to give that to you today. It says watch your thoughts for they become words. Choose your words for they become actions. Understand your actions for they become your habits. Study your habits for they become your character. Your actions for they become your habits. Study your habits for they become your character. And it has shaped everything that I do today and learning about myself and so much more. And today my guest, and I would say, has done the same thing for him as well. So we're going to have an outstanding conversation today about life, purpose and destiny. And before we get into all that, I just want to say this being a man today has never been more challenging, and so for many of us, there's pain, is real, it's a pain of loneliness, it's in a pain of unworthiness, and it's masked by our anger and our resentment. It's all because we're uncertain and afraid to take that next step. So if you're tired and fed up with where your life is at. I'm going to encourage you to start your hero's quest. It's where you can become more, accomplish more and live more than ever before. Just go to memberstheawakenedmannet and start your quest today. With that, let's get on with today's episode.

Speaker 1: 1:14

Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast. I'm the founder of the Awakened man Movement and your host, alan DeMonso. Let me ask you a couple of questions. Has there ever been a quote or something that somebody has said to you that has shaped your life, even to this day, and has it shaped you in a positive direction or a negative one? Mentors and coaches come from many different places and, as the saying goes, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. But have you ever considered the mentor you're looking for is your personal life story. This is a profound work for all for us to do, and that has been one that's done by giants such as Marcus Aurelius, winston Churchill and so many more. And so what if you were able to look at your life from the perspective of mentorship and a student all at the same time? How different would that be?

Speaker 1: 2:05

Today? My guest shares his incredible story of a life of tribulations to becoming his own mentor. So allow me to introduce my guest. Victor Giusefredi is an entrepreneur, a mindset coach and author, and he brings a wealth of experience to his coaching practice and his readers. With a background that spans launching seven businesses, deploying three inventions and living and working across the world, victor's journey from humble beginnings to author and coach fuels his passion for helping others tap into the power of mindset to overcome life's toughest challenges.

Speaker 1: 2:38

Welcome to the show, victor. How are things, brother? Hi Alan, thank you for having me. It's a pleasure and I'm doing great. Man, I'm just so excited about having you on the show today. I was in preparation for it and looking at some of your work and I know you're an author and again to your book a bit today. I just think that the work that you're doing, victor, is so profound, and on this show we all talk we always talk about everyone being on their own hero's journey, and there's that big hero's journey that we're on, which is our entire life, but then there are those smaller ones inside of outside of our lives, and so today, my first question for you, my friend, is to tell us about that time in your life when you knew things had to change. What did you do about that and how did that experience shape the view into the man you are today and the work that you're doing?

Speaker 2: 3:18

thanks for the question and I'm gonna answer it in two stages, right, because, as mentioned, there are the mini quests of life. So you have this hero's journey, this mini hero's journey that you go through life, and then you might or might not face the biggest one, and that's following your life's purpose, right, which is almost like swimming against the current. I had a tough childhood, quite violent childhood, and moved many times throughout my life probably about 50 times, so I've never really had a place of belonging. And so I've faced many of these little hero's quests throughout the path, right. Some were not so little, such as overcoming two divorces by 36 years old, or one day just finding my kids at my doorstep and becoming a full-time dad all of a sudden, without knowing. So it's been many of them. But let me answer your question by telling you about the one that pushed me into pursuing my purpose, because up until now, I have completed the hero's journey many times, and not only by launching businesses, inventions, traveling around the world, getting married, getting divorced those are all their little mini games. Around the world, getting married, getting divorced, those are all their little mini games.

Speaker 2: 4:32

But in 2021, I came to face perhaps the darkest night, because not only I had achieved everything I wanted in life, I retired at 36 years old, which is something that and I'm not bragging, it was just how it worked. So I had accomplished everything that I thought, and more than I wanted to accomplish, and I was still empty. And I was still facing that pain that you mentioned at the beginning of the introduction, because we all wrestle with that dragon right, that existential dragon of trying to find meaning and direction. And I did so too. And after just tapping every single, turning every rock in my journey, I couldn't find it. So I faced myself being unemployed, after having a six-figure job, not having any business, after running multiple businesses, failing in marriage for the second time unexpectedly and, on top of that, being a single dad, which broke me in pieces.

Speaker 2: 5:21

So, after a year of being a single dad and after the divorce, going through COVID quarantine, it came to the point where I had sold all my belongings. I had sought for jobs. Nobody wanted to hire me, even though I was overqualified, and it came to considering why was it that I was really alive? Because many people had told me to take my life, and throughout life I faced nothing but rejection in many ways, and it came to the point where taking my life became almost like a practical thing to do. Right, it wasn't an emotional thing, it wasn't driven by despair or by it was just what if everyone's right? What if I'm really the rock in the cog in everyone's business and maybe I am. The world is better off without me.

Speaker 2: 6:04

And at the time I had an insurance policy for about a million dollars, so that would have benefited my kids and I thought maybe that can buy them a house and maybe their mom will come back and they can live OK for a couple of years and I don't have to suffer anymore.

Speaker 2: 6:18

And well, the night that I decided to do it, almost I sat down on a couch past midnight and I started sobbing because I felt that I was letting everyone down, that I had failed in every aspect.

Speaker 2: 6:31

And then in that moment I also realized that I hadn't failed my children and that, even though they could have benefited from a bunch of money, the reason why I suffered the most was because I didn't know any better, because nobody had taught me the right things to do and I had to bang my head against the wall so I can find my way through it, especially when it came to putting out that existential pain, the need for love, the need for companionship, the need to be accepted or understood.

Speaker 2: 6:57

And so in that moment I had a flash of insight I can't explain it any better where I realized that all of the things that I had endured and overcome were a lot more valuable if I taught them to my children first, I could save them decades of pain. And then that evolved into writing the book no Grail Without Dragons, which then evolved into editing it and modifying it to speak to people like me men, millennial men, to find it. To speak to people like me men, millennial men, gen Z men who are struggling with this duality, and just to share the tips that helped me find that the perfect relationship, even after being divorced twice, with two kids, and just finding peace and fulfillment.

Speaker 1: 7:38

So that's the biggest one, and that's a powerful. That's a powerful story there. Victor, I was just taking tons of notes there and I just you made a comment about. The question you asked yourself was why was I alive? And I think for many of us, we ask that question in lots of different ways. We question our value, we question our worthiness in here, and our worth is far greater than our worthiness allows us to be and I think that's the struggle we have for as men and I'm a Gen Xer and I have two Gen Xers. I guess they're millennials, yes, they are millennials.

Speaker 2: 8:19

I'm first generation millennial. I'm 84. So apparently I made it by a couple of months.

Speaker 1: 8:23

I can see that, I can see the pain across multiple generations and it's a challenge for us, and so it takes an existential moment for us to really realize that our lives are worth something, that we need to do something. We're here on this planet, on this sphere, to do something with our lives, and it's not necessarily about many businesses and other things, the things that we've all done We've all done some pretty incredible stuff but it's truly about really that journey within and that journey, the depth, the beauty, to get into the heart and soul of who we are, and so I like that. You talked about dragons and I want to get into your book now no Grow Without Dragons and talk a little bit about. I've heard this before. Jordan Peterson, I think, has made this pretty popular in some of his talks about going in and facing your dragon. But tell me, what do you mean by dragons and how is it that? What was that? Maybe that first one that you felt you needed to overcome?

Speaker 2: 9:20

All right, yes, jordan Peterson has made the theme quite popular, but it's something that started with Joseph Campbell, who's the originary discoverer of the hero's journey. Right, because Joseph Campbell has been studying the human stories since the first recordings of them and eventually came to put together the pattern that we call today the hero's journey. Right, yeah, jordan Peterson gets a lot of credit for it, but it's Mr Campbell most of their work.

Speaker 2: 9:50

In any case, see, alan, in my journey to understand myself and to get a hold of why I am the way that I am, why I react or act or think the way in the things that I think, I had to begin to flesh myself psychologically in a way right, and I have always been adept to personality tests, ever since I'm 16 years old, so I've always been toiling with that.

Speaker 2: 10:18

But, speaking of Jordan Peterson, I took there's a course called the self authoring course and it's a writing course, and he asked a lot of questions about your past, present and future, and it takes a lot of work to go through them, but that was likely the first step into unwinding who I was as a person.

Speaker 2: 10:38

And then, once people like Peterson or Huberman or other guys that are they know what they're doing suggest something. I looked into it, like personality tests, like the big five, the MBTI, the IQ tests and whatnot, and later in life I came to find out a lot of things about me that made me who I am and the reasons why I do the things that I do and that, in my eyes, were equivocal or things that were shortcomings right, Because that's what everyone in my life pointed the finger at. They pointed out what I was doing wrong, that when I behave in the wrong way, when I said the wrong thing. And then once you start realizing that we do have like a basic spec right the personality type, for example 80% of those things are quite accurate, the things that we reenact, and so that that was probably the beginning of the journey in, or at least the last journey, to really find in direction and really realizing what I'm all about and what it is that I live right.

Speaker 1: 11:38

Yeah, absolutely, I completely agree, and I think part of that part of that journey of really that self-discovery is looking at how we're showing up and a big fan of lots of same idea of the personality tests, MBTIs and insights and there's lots of different versions of the way that we can look at this and I think what's always interesting is that when we become uncomfortable with some of that information that we get back, it's how we tend to react to it and that's really, to me, is that basis of that, that drag and that piece that we want to deal with. We need to deal with but we don't necessarily want to deal with.

Speaker 2: 12:11

And that leads back to answering the question. Sorry that I went off the branches, but when I had that eureka moment, when I stumbled upon my purpose or I like to say that my purpose found me, because it was an experience that I cannot explain One of the things that I did find out later in life throughout these tests, is my IQ level, and I'm not going to tell you what it is, but people are under the impression that having an IQ level is this gift from God that will ensure that you're everlasting successful. And I came to realize that it had been probably my Achilles heel, not understanding certain things about me, what that means, how that affects the way that I see things or that I relate to other people, and so getting to find out who I was really at a core, it was painful because I realized that it had been me who caused all of these issues. Right that, my perspectives, my mindset, the things that I believe that I knew somehow. I knew they were wrong because I felt it inside myself in a way you can't articulate, but when it comes to pleasing the people around you and fitting the status quo or at least you're never gonna be understood, but at least others, pretending that they're not misunderstanding you. You have to adapt, and so that flash of insight helped me realize that I had to write the book in a way that I exposed my shortcomings, which was also challenging because I took a first person view. I exposed my deepest stories, the most hurtful ones, because that's probably what's going to help people the most. They'll see that we're all probably alike and we all wrestle with the same dragons or demons or enemies or whatever you want to call them.

Speaker 2: 13:49

And my book is simply 33 chapters. They're standalone chapters. You don't have to read from A to Z. So if you're wrestling with loss, for example, I've wrestled with loss and I've been divorced twice and I've dated a bunch of girls and I know what that feels like. And at one point I found a way to overcome it, not because I'm virtuous or because I'm like a superman, it's because I had realized that every single time I follow that path, it had led to certain outcomes. So I said what happens if I try a different thing? What happens if I say no to this gorgeous girl who's throwing herself over me? And I respect the person I'm dating? What will happen then? And it was just a flash of insight. And all of these little aha moments led to the biggest aha, which is finding peace, finding the way to sustain a love, relationship and purpose, and then just getting rid of that existential nightmare that we all wrestle with.

Speaker 1: 14:41

Yeah, I completely agree with that for sure, and I think that's what's key. What I like about the way that you're structuring your book and it is really a personal memoir of the journey, and I think lots of us can fit in and see where we plug into certain aspects you talked about loss as being one of those dragons. We have to deal with loss, grief being similar but a bit different. Tell us a little bit more about a couple other dragons that you talk about through the stories in your book that we could share with our audience today.

Speaker 2: 15:12

Yeah, when it comes to loss quote unquote I've lost pretty much everything in life and moving 50 times across the world. You get used to being a minimalist, living with just what you need and but the what you get used to and you don't realize is that you consider that everything is so temporary and so you don't invest yourself fully because you don't want to have to go through that pain of creating all of this scenery and imagery in your mind and then all of a sudden having to collapse it within a few seconds. And that's why, a lot of times, we've sustained emotional pain right when that happens to when our world collapses, as they say. So I've lost my grandparents. I discovered I was a stepchild by age 12 after suspecting in my whole life just because of the way I was treated compared to my siblings. I've been divorced twice. Yeah, I lost jobs. I lost, I had a, and when we're saying loss it's, I think it's just the definition of something that we didn't expect.

Speaker 2: 16:12

But when it comes to loss is, it's also a double-edged sword, because you only really learn to love when you understand that you not only can lose something but you're going to, and whether that happens in a day or in a week, or in a month, or in a year, or in 10 years, you don't know, but eventually that will come to an end, just because it's the basic cycle of things. It happens in nature, it happens to us, it happens to the universe, and this goes from the older schools of thought to modern scientists who are coming up with the permutated, with the decorated permutation and whatnot. So that's yes, I've experienced a lot of loss and what's happened? It's that, uh, it became an analogy to go into the gym.

Speaker 2: 16:57

In life, you have to give what you want to get more right. So you have to go and give away your strength at the gym, the little bit of strength you have. So then you break yourself, you heal stronger and then you can come back and get a little more. And that's how you get stronger. And when it comes to loss, that's how I got stronger and I got to understand the impermanent nature of things, simply because I had no other choice but to understand it, so I could stop suffering, because I thought that I was losing everything. Does that make sense?

Speaker 1: 17:23

Yeah, it does make a lot of sense. And one of the things I was writing down here is you talked about, because you started telling about all the times that you moved and 50 times is lots to move for any of us and how that forced you to think and become a bit of a minimalist and to become, when my words that detached. It wasn't, the loss would have been greater. To be totally and fully engaged and make those, make those deeper connections after, especially after the 12th time, the 20th time that you're moving, that, how long, how much do I want to invest in this? And I think about that because what's important is for me and to pick up for what you're saying is our purpose comes through our pain. If we're willing to pay attention to the lesson that's being taught and sometimes that lesson happens we can pick that lesson up right away. But a lot of times it takes multiple learnings, multiple opportunities for us to finally wake up.

Speaker 1: 18:23

For me, my big wake up call was in my early 30s. I was married to my high school sweetheart and when that marriage fell apart and I lost everything everything bankruptcy, like everything I saw my kids. It was like it shaped who I was and how I think, even to this day, to some point and I catch myself now that's 20 plus 25 plus years ago. So hearing you tell your story what I? The other thing I wrote down is the types of coping mechanisms that we use. That in the moment helps us with our pain and our loss. But if we're still using them and it becomes an unconscious piece, it can actually be a detriment. So tell me what you think about what I just said there. Does that make sense? Maybe poke a couple holes in. Whatever your thoughts are Sure.

Speaker 2: 19:07

Yeah, and also by the way, you expose your age, but you don't look a year older than 40. So but yeah, that's another See. So there's a saying. That's as above, so below, and so when you start looking at things that way, everything makes sense. The dichotomies of life make sense. And I became so.

Speaker 2: 19:27

I learned to overcome physical pain. By the age of eight I was getting a beating for something I didn't do, and I've been used to normal daily beatings by now. But this one was particularly hard. And at one moment, in one moment, my mind just detached from my body and I didn't feel the physical pain. I was only thinking about when is this going to end so I can go play right. And that led me to a career in extreme sports. So I did extreme sports for a while.

Speaker 2: 19:55

I got a bunch of injuries, whatnot, but that became a coping mechanism. Got a bunch of injuries, whatnot, but that became a coping mechanism. Then detaching became a coping mechanism because I wasn't allowed to answer back. If I answer back, I will get punched in the mouth. If you answer back in school, you will get punished, and then they'll call your parents and then you'll get beat.

Speaker 2: 20:12

So I learned to hold my anger, I learned to hold my thoughts, and that started building and building, and that led me to a career in heavy metal music. And then I took on the fighting arts and I took Krav Maga, and so I always had I needed an outlet for all that anger and all that resentment. But the problem is okay. So on that end it was something positive in my life because it was a driving force. But on the on parts that matter the most, which is, I think, relationships with other people and especially loved ones, it was a big blind spot, because detaching just pushed other people apart.

Speaker 2: 20:49

The fact that I didn't want to attach to anyone, or I thought that everything was just temporary, then I didn't give my best out and so therefore I didn't get the best from others. So therefore I didn't get the best from others. And when I didn't get the best from others, I used that as a justification of why I wasn't giving out my best and getting more of the same and then getting into a vicious cycle. So a lot of the times the coping mechanism becomes shackles, and when I realized that they were shackles to how I wanted to feel, then that's when I started really looking at them and taking what they say the vulnerable approach. But vulnerability, I think, only benefits you really. Yeah, it sure does.

Speaker 1: 21:24

At least it starts with you, right, it's your piece of it's your, it's the way we start to feel again, and if we can use that as a crutch as we get into, when we get into our personal lives. And so, absolutely, I completely agree and I think you're right. I think part of the missing piece for many of us in our coping mechanisms is we create these coping mechanisms thinking that it's going to help us get closer to connection with ourselves and with others, but it doesn't always do that, and so we just started to talk a little bit about generations, the different generations that we're from, and so, in your work, are you finding that our dragons differ from generation to generation, or are there some that are pretty universal across the spectrum?

Speaker 2: 22:10

I think, and I've found that they differ in a matter of degree. So the Greeks fought Medusa and Batman fights the Joker, right, and so we're changing the names and the faces, but what they represent is something that we deal with abstractly, something that feels that way and that leads to the emotional hell that we want to avoid. It turns out that everyone deals with the same. I've worked with celebrities, I've worked with famous musicians, I work with Olympic athletes, and they all deal with the same thing. They're all human beings like us. They wake up and when they see themselves naked in the mirror, there's something wrong with them. And many times they go to sleep feeling like they didn't do well enough.

Speaker 2: 22:55

And it doesn't matter how much money they have in the bank or how many girls are dating, and they fight the same demons. They, they still wrestle with the same existential questions, because guess what? Those people actually sometimes even have it harder, because once you have all of these millions of dollars in excess, and then you really are out of meaning, right, then you really are like what is this all about? And to find out you have to lose everything. The Fight Club quote is you're only free to do what you want when you've lost everything, something like that paraphrasing. But that is true because and so a lot of people don't want to lose everything to find the path, and that's what the Christians mean by it's easier to put a camel through the eye of a needle than a rich man abandoned in his riches, or something like that. So that's what I've found that everyone wrestles with more or less the same demons, and that's why we also find resonance in mythology and movies and whatever video games, music, because we all wrestle with the same invisible demons.

Speaker 1: 23:50

Yeah, that makes complete sense to me and I think it's so true and it does, and I like the analogy between the Greeks with the fighting Medusa and today and the image today and it makes so much sense. They're just archetypes that just transition through different eras and we all deal with similar stuff, and so the nice thing about today is that I think there's more of an awakening going on for us to recognize the work that we need to do, that the work is for ourselves individually to do in order to be able to really affect our families and our communities. And if we're willing to do that work, then I think we're on the path to really growing and developing. And that leads me into really talking about what would the unsaid thing all days.

Speaker 1: 24:31

Today has been really about purpose, and in my we always talk about teaching men to live a life of capital, of purpose, capital on purpose. So being intentional is what I mean, being intentional in doing our work. So when you talk about purpose and the work that you're doing, put some framework around that for us. Do you know, jack?

Speaker 2: 24:54

Canfield.

Speaker 1: 24:54

Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 24:56

Okay, so I met Jack Canfield in 2008, when he had just written the success principles, and he went. He went to New Jersey and I met him there and, just like almost every other self-development seminar, you get the set of questions write down your purpose, they give you a formula and I put that away. And not long ago I was thinking through the few papers I've been saving throughout all my moves, because what I've brought with me are my books and I stumbled upon what I had written back then. This is 2008. And when my purpose found me, which was trying to do my best to help other people either overcome the situations that almost destroyed me or avoid them altogether, because, like you mentioned, generation, generational habits evolve and change and each generation is supposed to be smarter than the previous one, right, and that goes. And that's emotional intelligence too, right. I don't do 1% of what my stepdad showed to me, and I'm sure that he didn't do 1% of his et cetera. But just helping people avoid these things or overcome them and find a life of purpose is what ignited my purpose. And, yeah, I think that you hit the nail on the head, because just taking responsibility in itself it's the price right.

Speaker 2: 26:12

A lot of times we think that, oh, I have to clean up after this person, or I'm the one that has to say sorry, but it's not a chore, because when you do it, that, oh, I have to clean up after this person, or I'm the one that has to say sorry, or I'm in, but it's not a chore, because when you do it, you feel good and bottom line.

Speaker 2: 26:27

And when you take responsibility for when you take responsibility for your body and you go to the gym, you feel great and that makes you be responsible for your place and you clean and you feel even better.

Speaker 2: 26:34

Right, and that's, I think, responsibility is purpose, and then the magnitude of your purpose is whatever it is you want to do to help other people right, and in my case, I just want people to not suffer, because I think the suffering is optional. It really is the way that you think, and until you don't lose everything multiple times and come to that dead end where you're looking at the abyss long enough that it looks back at you, then that's when you realize that it's all about what you think, yes, and so well, again, I think purpose is just a matter of degree. But just being responsible is the first step towards purpose, because how are you going to be, how are you going to have a driving purpose that you get up to help other people when somebody doesn't say thank you or even some people are against you, when you can be responsible for the things that are within your reach?

Speaker 1: 27:22

right, yeah, I love that, I just love everything you just said there, victor. I think that was so powerful man. You talked about suffering me as being optional. I completely agree with that and I think I expand a little bit more on that and say doesn't mean that suffering won't happen.

Speaker 2: 27:37

Right, Right.

Speaker 1: 27:38

Optional for you to stay suffering. You can suffer as long as you wish or you can choose to sit through that suffering, learn from it and move on, and I think that's part of the problem and that's that's why, for me, doing this work is just as beneficial for me. I learned so much doing this podcast, especially talking with guests such as yourself and just getting different perspectives and shaping the stories that I tell myself and how can I become a better father and a husband and a leader? And you're so true. And then the other comment you made. It was talking about really understanding and being responsible for our thoughts, which is why, when I came across the quote of the essence of destiny and the first line is watch your thoughts come words, and I was like man, like that just gives me goosebumps Even to this day. Like it starts there. It really starts by. Are we conscious? Are we aware of how we're thinking? Because whatever's happening on the in the outside world has some impact, but we get to choose how we want to respond to that.

Speaker 2: 28:41

Yeah, and I'm going to poke a hole on that one. First, the suffering part. I think the suffering is great because, if you have you ever been hungry? Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 28:51

Okay.

Speaker 2: 28:52

How did how? Whatever you ate right after the hunger strike, how did it taste Right Better than if you would have had a meal an hour before eating it?

Speaker 2: 29:00

yes so when they say that you can have joy without pain, that's how can you know how good joy feels like if you don't, if you don't have enough pain? And this morning, in the shower, I'm thinking, because I never stopped thinking and I realized that a lot of the things that we seek we're we don't have to, because they say it's sitting in plain sight. And everything is sitting in plain sight, but it's not a matter of finding them, it's a matter of recognizing them. And you cannot recognize it if you haven't experienced the opposite. And so when you're suffering, well, that's the clear signal that, yeah, you're going through something uncomfortable with a signal and you need to change. Change that, you need to find what it is you enjoy about the situation and then flip it on the side Right. And then the second one.

Speaker 1: 29:45

I forgot all about it, sorry If it comes back, that's okay, we'll just jump in and pick it. Yeah, absolutely, I love that point. It's so true.

Speaker 2: 29:51

I got it. I got it. You said that how environment affects what we do and I'm going through Cialdini's influence book and it talks a lot about the social studies and cults and how people are influenced by what others do around them and they look for social proof. They talk about the story of this woman that had gone through 30 minutes of, I think, brooklyn streets getting stabbed and people 38 people watching and nobody calling the cops. And someone says how is that possible? And it's because people assume, because they look at others for confirmation.

Speaker 2: 30:24

If nobody's freaking out, then it's probably not an emergency or that sense of depersonalization because everyone is fighting for resources. In New York City, for example, right, so tight. Everyone is together. You're fighting for square space, you're fighting for food, you're fighting for money and you don't even care what the other person can be dressed like Barney the dinosaur and you don't care. It doesn't matter what you do.

Speaker 2: 30:47

And so I think that people should be a lot more aware about their environments and how it influences them and the things they watch and the things they believe, because we are so vulnerable they believe, because we are so vulnerable.

Speaker 2: 31:01

We think that we're not, but we're actually so vulnerable that whatever we're exposed to, we assimilate the form and its shape and how we think.

Speaker 2: 31:07

And a lot of famous people say you're the average of the five people you hang out with, and many are like, oh, that's such a life, such a life piece of life changing advice. But it's really no science. You're, if you hang out with five athletes and these five athletes run six times a week and you don't run and you want to be their friends, you're going to have to start running Right. And if they eat healthy and you're getting together with them, if you want to belong to that world, you're going to have to start eating healthy. You can go to a fine Italian restaurant and behave like you're behaving at a hot dog place, because they'll kick you out Right restaurant and behave like you're behaving at a hot dog place, because they'll kick you out right. So I think that the environment affects a lot and we need to be more aware of how we protect our psyche right, the things that we actually ingest and what we believe, and make sure that they're the product of our own conclusions.

Speaker 1: 31:53

Yeah, great Love how you finish that up the product of our own conclusions. You're absolutely right and that's great definition as well on paying attention, understanding how our environments do shape how we react and how we actually socialize ourselves within that environment. So it's great distinctions there and really helping us understand how our interactions are happening, and so I really appreciate that. Thanks a lot, my friend. Oh, my pleasure.

Speaker 1: 32:18

So, listen, I was reading an article on your website. You had articles called life nine life-changing principles and how we can apply them, and one I want to just want to touch on a couple, and the first one you take is has says take care of yourself for others. Now, this is something that my wife and I have practiced in our marriage. It's taken us a while to get there, and if I and we did it through doing some marriage counseling and basically the counselor said that mindset should be I take care of me, so I can take care of you. So how does that? Is that what you were getting at with you, with what you were talking about in this article, in this particular point?

Speaker 2: 32:52

No, actually I took it a step further than that, because when you're saying I take care of me, it's almost an exchange. But when you take care of yourself for others, I came to this realization because ever since I'm a kid, I was fat shamed and I've always struggled with the latest diet, with the latest exercise program, and I've done anything from P90X to one week of selection courses on the beach with special forces guys, one week of selection courses on the beach with special forces guys. And the grail that I was looking at is that ultimate knob that makes you get up and go exercise, because it doesn't matter how much you exercise, it's always a drag At least for me it's always a drag, and so I try to cheat myself in a way that just goes and does it. And one day I realized that I live for my kids right. Once you have children, you're dead, and so if you're self-developing, if whatever you're doing is so you can save them time, so you can save them pain, and so I also realized that if that was true, then I had to take care of myself as a physical person first, and because I wasn't giving them the life experience that I wanted to give them when it came to emotions, one time I snapped at them many years ago, and that's what made me realize that I needed to work on myself so I could also be a mom. Right, because I've spent every day of the last four years with my children. I ended up working from home, whatever, right? So that I said if that's really my purpose, if I'm really living to help other people, to help other people suffer because I found what I wanted, then it will be hypocritical if I ate like shit, if I didn't meditate or find ways to optimize myself so that I can have my best odds at operating properly.

Speaker 2: 34:38

It just comes to simplicity and just being healthier. It also shows them a good example, because they see I exercise, I turn 40. And I'm in better shape than I was when I was 18. And they see that I eat healthy and so they pick up after that. So it's a real gift to others when you care for yourself, because not only you're going to last longer, they're going to enjoy your company more. You don't want to cause your kids suffering by dying early. How stupid is that? And I tell my mom all the time I'm like you're she eats a bunch of crap. I said well, you've done a disservice to other people, not to yourself, cause when you die, we have to deal with it. So I took that perspective and ever since, it's just easy. Once it's just easy, once I understand that I'm doing it, it's part of my purpose, then it's just seamless.

Speaker 1: 35:21

Right on, love that, love that. The other one I really enjoyed touching on was you said people don't do things to you, they just do, and what I like that is because you're really asking us to.

Speaker 2: 35:38

I think you're asking us to reframe the story we're telling ourselves. So expand a little bit more about that principle, again something I found. I found through my own experiences and then I confirmed it with psychology and watching people. But it's simple when my dad let's say, when my dad had this gesture, that when he will get mad he'll be like and start doing this and he'll grab his forehead and then charge at me from zero to 100. Right and just do like martial arts practice. And when it came to relationships and my partner will do this unconsciously I will get into fight or flight mode. And if she said something, I already interpreted it through those lenses because she was doing it to me, right, the same way that I felt my dad was doing it to me.

Speaker 2: 36:20

And when you attribute evil or ill intent to someone and then you take it personal, you have no choice but to defend yourself. You have to be a real mental martial art master to be able to diffuse it in that moment. Because if you're down that train of thought, you're done, because it's something that you cannot help. Has it ever happened to you that you've reacted and then realized what happened and who was that? I hate that guy. I don't want him to come out ever again.

Speaker 2: 36:48

So because we think that people do it, do things to us right, we interpret it in a way that, oh, this is going to lead to this. Then we take a defensive approach and when you know, next time you see someone, just hand them something, don't say anything, just hand them something and their hand will just extend up and we'll try to. We don't know why, probably happened to you at a corner, somebody trying to hand you a pamphlet or something, and so people just do things. That's how they react. Many times they're just reactionary and I think it comes from a good place.

Speaker 2: 37:18

But even if you don't want to attribute it a good intention which takes practice if you understand that they're just reacting and it's not something about you, it's not personal then you have the choice to say do I want to be defensive? Is this really an offensive thing? If somebody's calling you an SOB, I'm going to beat you. But it's a little different if somebody just snaps at you. Right, and we tend to interpret both the same way. So at least when you understand that people just do things like kids, when kids don't feel right, they don't act right. Right, so you're not going to go beat a kid that's throwing a tantrum because you understand that it's in some sort of pain and can express it any better. So you'll do your best as an adult to cope with it. That the same thing happens to us, the same thing happens to adults. We're not that different.

Speaker 1: 37:59

Yeah, absolutely Completely agree with that Love, that Love, how you framed that, that piece all over the years. Right, I'm sure you've had some different mentors that have come in and out of your life and maybe there was a book that was really influential for you. But, like, the next question for you is what's been the best piece of advice that you've been given and how is it still serving you today? The?

Speaker 2: 38:18

best piece of advice I've ever come through. The first one was my dad, my stepdad, the same tyrant. I consider him a tyrant for many years and I killed him. I killed my dad, not physically, but in my mind. I had been rebellious towards him my whole life. We had this distance relationship which I didn't even.

Speaker 2: 38:36

I had resentment all through my thirties and one day I realized that everything that I had been through with him had prepared me to withstand the things that I did. And if he hadn't been that part of my life, then I would have never found my purpose and I wouldn't be able to fulfill my purpose because otherwise how would have been? How would have I been strong enough emotionally and physically to carry this purpose, to choose that degree of purpose? And, funny enough, once he became, he became my mentor in many ways, like when the hero goes through the training and he gets beat to a pulp right and the master he's not sparing anybody. I don't know, do you watch Kill Bill when the blonde ladies with the seafood is crazy? And so that's pretty much it. And he told me never allow the words I can't come out of your mouth. And that was the first piece of advice that I stuck with me for my whole life because, even though I hated him for many years, and now I love him, we have a super close relationship.

Speaker 2: 39:32

Every time I faced a real situation where I say, man, this is the end. And I said, no, I can't do this, somehow I can do it and, funny enough, it's just like you just get pulled out on your last breath and you can't. That was the first one, but the one that I resonate the most is to know thyself. Right, because when you know yourself and thyself, that's what creates the rock on which you stand and even if the world collapses around you, nothing takes that away from you, that peace of mind, that solidity of knowing who you are, how you act, how things work and obviously the more the least, but at least where you're standing, and it's like you lean on your own non-understanding to have that ultimate peace. So to know thyself, I think it's probably the hardest thing, but it's the one that I carry with the most.

Speaker 1: 40:20

I love that one for sure. Absolutely, Victor. Of everything that we spoke about today, maybe there was something we didn't get a chance to touch on. What would be the one takeaway you'd want for our listeners?

Speaker 2: 40:29

I wasn't prepared for this one, but I'll tell you something I think about often, and it's that, after having had it all, I've had the businesses, I had the financial freedom per se, I've had the hot chicks I've had the marriages I've had the divorces, I've had the Rolls Royce, I've been barefoot.

Speaker 2: 40:46

I think that self-development, it's the best that you can do for yourself, it's the best gift that you can give to yourself, because you start peeling off the layers of the onion, of the things that are not you, the things, the weight that you carry, the weight of your cross, or the armor that you carry from other people's opinions, from other people's beliefs, for things that they taught you that were right and it's. There was this lady who her mom. For every Christmas she cut, she cooked the turkey and before she cooked it she cut it in half every Christmas, year after year. And if she couldn't cut it in half she would lose her marbles. So the daughter asked her and said hey, mom, why do you cut the turkey in half? Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 2: 41:26

This is the way my mom taught me to do it. So this is how I do it, but why I don't really know. Let's ask grandma. And truth is, I've been doing it for years and I don't really know. And the grandma starts laughing and says because back then we didn't have pans big enough. So when you start knowing yourself, when you start understanding and peeling those layers, you realize that you've been making your life so much harder for absolutely no reason and you suffer because of that. So I think that to work on yourself and invest in yourself is a gift to you and everyone around you.

Speaker 1: 42:01

Oh man, what a great way to wrap up our conversation today. I just love that. I just want to say thank you so much, victor, for spending time with us today and really showing us that facing our dragons is worthy work for us to do, and we all share very similar dragons. They just may have come in a different shape or form, and so if men are interested in getting a hold of you and participating in your work, what would be the best way that they can do that?

Speaker 2: 42:23

They can get in touch with me through Twitter or any one of my social media handles, at Victor Gisfredi, or visiting my website and checking out my book no Grail Without Dragons.

Speaker 1: 42:33

Absolutely. I'm going to make sure all that information is in our show notes today, with the link to your book as well. Once again, thank you so much, victor, for being on the show. Loved our conversation.

Speaker 2: 42:41

Yeah, it's my pleasure. And, Alan, if I may be so bold, I would like to offer your listeners a free copy of my book, so I will send you a link to where your listeners can download it.

Speaker 1: 42:50

Absolutely. Thank you so much. Have a great day, my friend. It's my pleasure, thank you.