Uncovering the Silent Crisis: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Society with Dr Stewart Perrilliat

Can fatherhood shape the future of communities? Dr. Stewart, affectionately known as Dr. P, shares his remarkable story of navigating the challenges of single parenthood and the systemic barriers that fathers face. As a respected authority on fatherhood and family engagement, Dr. P opens up about his personal journey, offering a heartfelt glimpse into the real-world obstacles that can hinder father involvement. Through his pioneering work with both incarcerated and non-incarcerated men, Dr. P advocates for the essential skills and societal support needed to break the cycle of fatherlessness and empower families.

Discover the profound impact of mentorship and healing as Dr. P discusses the transformative power of his "Healthy Mind, Body, and Spirit" series. Emphasizing the importance of creating safe spaces for men to express vulnerability, this conversation sheds light on the critical role of mentorship in reshaping behaviours tied to masculinity. The episode delves into the effects of childhood environments on adult behaviour, underscoring how comprehensive support systems can guide young men and non-resident fathers towards positive futures. By examining the significance of trust and communication, Dr. P offers insights into becoming both an effective mentor and a mentee.

Through powerful success stories from programs like "Man to Man," we explore how mentorship can transcend prison walls and inspire renewed family relationships. Dr. P passionately illustrates how these programs not only transform individual lives but also foster supportive communities. As we wrap up, we reflect on the journey of becoming the man you are destined to be, with practical steps and encouragement from Dr. P to leverage mentorship and societal support. This episode is a testament to the critical role of fatherhood mentorship in building healthier communities and shaping a brighter future.

Key Moments in This Episode:

• 04:38 The Resistance Faced by Fathers
• 05:48 Dr P's Work with Incarcerated Fathers
• 09:29 The Importance of Father Engagement
• 14:55 Developing Positive Belief Systems
• 21:29 Mentorship: Building Strong Relationships
• 29:04 Success Stories and Impact
• 35:59 Final Thoughts and Takeaways 

How To Reach Dr P:
Website: https://www.man2man-uya.org/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/man2manurbanyouthadvocate
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/man2manurbanyouth/
X: https://twitter.com/UyaMan2man
LinkedIn:

Chapters

• 0:00 The Impact of Absent Fathers
• 15:05 Building Trust Through Mentorship and Healing
• 24:34 Transformative Mentorship Program Success Story
• 31:10 The Power of Fatherhood Mentoring
• 41:06 Awakened Man Brotherhood Forge Destiny

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You know, the absence of fathers in the lives of young men is a profound challenge that leaves lasting impacts on individuals and communities alike, and without positive male role models, many young men struggle to find their identity, develop skills and build a foundation for their futures.

Speaker 1: 0:17

It's this absence that often leads to cycles of hardship and disconnection, and it affects not only these young men, but also their children, families and a broader community.

Speaker 1: 0:28

And so in today's episode, we're going to tackle the issue of absent fathers with the founder of man to man Urban Youth Advocate. So I don't want you to miss this episode. And before we get into today's episode, let's come to grips about one thing, and that is inevitably there will come a time in our lives when we will hit a wall, and whether it's a marriage that's not working, or a career or business that's stagnated, or maybe your personal life is completely flatlined. So if you're dealing with any of these, or a combination of them, and you're finally fed up with where your life's at, then allow me to help you get clear about what needs to be done, how to do that, so you can get on to living the life you were meant to live. Just look in today's show notes for an opportunity to book a clarity call, and let's get started on your journey today With that. Let's get on with today's episode.

Speaker 2: 1:20

The average man today is sleepwalking through life. The average man today is sleepwalking through life, many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs and values that no longer serve him. It's time to align yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man. Stay strong, my brother.

Speaker 1: 1:50

Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast. I'm the founder of the Awakened man Movement and your host, Alan DeMonso.

Speaker 1: 1:56

As you listen to today's episode, I want you to reflect on the role of fatherhood in your life and the lives of those around you in your life and the lives of those around you, and how has the presence or the absence of a father figure shaped you or your development and your sense of identity? Then I want you to consider the broader impact of absent fathers in our community. What steps can we take collectively to support the young men and non-resident fathers in building strong, positive foundations for their futures? In order to really break the cycle of father absence, it's crucial to focus on healing, fostering positive belief systems and providing essential life skills and mentorship, and it's when we address these core needs and offer comprehensive support that we can help young men and non-resident fathers create a positive new path, ensuring a bright future for themselves and those they love. And so amen to that brother. So I want to introduce everyone to my guest today, dr Stewart. Now let me see if I got this right. It's like the tire right.

Speaker 1: 2:59

Per Elliott. We're going to call him Dr P from here on in. He's a leading expert on fatherhood and family engagement, serving as the founder and executive director of man to man Urban Youth Advocate. He's got over 36 years of experience in fostering healthy relationships. He focuses on breaking the cycle of father absence. His work is dedicated to strengthening families and communities by engaging fathers in their children's lives. So welcome to the show, dr P. How are things, my friend?

Speaker 3: 3:30

Appreciate you having me on your show. Life is good. That's great to hear.

Speaker 1: 3:35

That's great to hear From our work here at the Awakened man and on the Revolutionary man podcast. We really believe that everybody's on their own hero's journey, and so my opening question for you is to tell us about a time in your life when you knew things had to change. What did you do about that and how did that shape you into the man you are today and the work you're doing?

Speaker 3: 3:54

Yeah, thank you. You know, just being a single father and having that experience working on my master's degree and working on my doctorate degree as a single father I had custody of my children my daughter in the third grade and my son in the sixth grade and just realizing the upward battle in terms of the biasness of fathers and even those that just want to be engaged in children's life, and the resistance that came along with that, caused me to really want to fight, not just for my children but for all children.

Speaker 1: 4:35

That's really interesting that you use the word resistance. Where was that resistance coming from? Was it resistance from yourself, from society, from others? Let's talk a little bit about that resistance.

Speaker 3: 4:47

The resistance that comes from the traditional court system, the traditional that comes from the Department of Child Support Services, the resistance that comes from social services, the resistance that comes from the other parent, the mother, comes from the other parent, the mother. And I never badger mothers. I'm just saying that I think fathers need to be recognized as much as mothers, and that's where the resistance comes from within our society.

Speaker 1: 5:16

Yeah, I would agree with that completely. I think the way society is shaped and for whatever reason that we're here today, that there is lots of resistance and there is a lot of pressure on fathers and the statistics are really horrendous when you see the fatherless homes and what's happening to children. Now you're in California, I'm here in Winnipeg, canada, but let's talk a little bit about the work that you're doing there and how that is impacting the communities, and let's touch on that today.

Speaker 3: 5:48

Sure. So what I have been really focusing on two things working with men in prison as well as men out of prison, and I can go back to the data and see that one of the most destructive trends of our society is fatherlessness. That leads a lot of men to being incarcerated. And so what we're doing is our slogan is strengthening fathers, our strengthening families, one father at a time. So we're working to try to help all fathers understand the importance of their role and their responsibility, but they can't do that without that skill set. You don't inherit the skills of being a father. You become a father, but you have to learn what that means, and so what we do is we try to help fathers, while they're incarcerated, to build strong relationships with their children and their ex-partners.

Speaker 3: 6:43

Build strong relationships with their children and their ex-partners, teaching them how to have empathy and being vulnerable and being transparent with their children, and to be able to explain to them that, hey, I failed, I made a mistake and I'm hoping that you can learn from my mistake and can we start our relationship.

Speaker 3: 7:00

And it doesn't mean start over after I come out of prison. It means let's start the process now, while I'm incarcerated, and add on to that relationship after I get out of prison, and that's also including working with the mother. Whoever that ex-partner is being able to understand that we're mature enough to know that we may not get along and we may not have a good life together, and there may have been a past or whatever the situation is, but we're going to have to learn how to put our differences aside for the sake of this job, and so that means we have to remove those emotions. So one of the first classes we teach is men and emotions, because we realize that a lot of men have removed that emotional state of mind, and it's not really their fault, because we've been taught as society to suck it up, stop crying, be a mad, you know, don't let anybody see you weak and all of those things. That really has hindered our emotional state of mind in terms of even being able to be engaged in any relationship.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Yeah, I would completely agree with that.

Speaker 1: 8:11

I think even it doesn't matter what walk of life that we're currently on.

Speaker 1: 8:15

As men, in general, we tend to struggle with being vulnerable and showing emotion and really understanding what it means to be in that right, and so we seem to be I'll paint a pretty wide brush here but we seem to be more I don't know if the word comfortables right Things that are the negative emotions, the anger, the shame, the things that you know, the guilt that we continually feel, and then we don't know how to express it.

Speaker 1: 8:46

And what I really liked about your work with man to man is that you have this core curriculum and you've built it on these, I'll call them four pillars. You've got conflict resolution, life skills, this emotional management you're talking about, and then but on the base of it, though, is the second chances, and I really like how, what you're asking all of us to do as well as as well as the these fathers and I want to focus a little bit on your amazing dad curriculum, because you talk about and you just read, just mentioned it here now about father engagement, and I think about it, and, while I know, I get a sense of what that should mean probably a lot deeper than just than what first meets the eye. So let's talk about what you mean about father engagement.

Speaker 3: 9:28

Yes, when we talk about father engagement, it means more than just being a father and holding that title. Father engagement means more than just being at the present but emotional, absent. It means and this is one of the things that I narrow it down to when I teach my guys is three things that we need to do in terms of fathers we need to be active, we need to be present and we need to be consistent. Active, present and consistent talks about this engagement that children want. They don't want a bunch of toys and games and they don't want you buying them new shoes and all of that.

Speaker 3: 10:08

That's good, but the really, the truth to the matter is they want their father. They want their father to be at those football games, the soccer games, the basketball games, the concerts, anything that involves them. The father needs to be there because the father is the one who shapes the identity of that child, whether it's a boy or a girl. And it's amazing because we don't get it to the point that we understand the reason we're losing our society and losing our young men and young women is because more than 50% of the homes are absent fathers from the home, from the family and what happens is we find this cycle. It's a cycle of high school dropouts, of incarceration, the drug addiction, mental health issues, public safety issues, suicide, human trafficking. The list goes on and on, and we could eliminate 90% of those social ills if we could just get the father to be act, present and consistent.

Speaker 1: 11:19

I completely agree, and I think that is such a sad state for our society that it's a situation where we're at and just before we were getting on the show here, I was sharing with you the situation that I'm in and so I know you work with fathers and helping them get engaged with it, and so what about a situation where maybe it's the child who is struggling and they're the one that's struggling with incarceration? How would you coach and mentor fathers who, who may not have been, who maybe there are, are absent, they're not active and they haven't been really spending that time with them? What would you coach them to do?

Speaker 3: 11:57

it's funny you ask that question. I have a class and in my class I have a father and a son in my domestic violence class and they're building their relationship now, unfortunately in prison, and they're being able to communicate and have that safe space where they're. It's okay to say I blew it. It's okay to say I missed it. It's okay to say not make excuses to the point I didn't have a father. That's why I ended up being the father that I am, but really actually taking responsibility and ownership and saying, hey, look, I really want to be a better father and I'm willing to learn. And that's where it starts with being vulnerable and open and being resistant not resisting but resilient to the point to say, hey, you know what? I want to be the best dad that I can and I'm going to learn how to implement these skill sets. And what I love about it is these guys learn these skills and they practice them right away, especially with guys in prison, because they get on these tablets now where they can make phone calls, facetime their children, and they're starting utilizing what they learn. And then they come back and say, dr P, it worked. I'm like, of course it worked. That's the reason why we do it.

Speaker 3: 13:16

And so I think the biggest thing is to forget about what society says about you as a man and masculinity and what men do, because a lot of that stuff is totally opposite of what it really means to be a father that's engaged in, present in their children's lives. So we have to deal with that masculinity. We have to deal with that toxic masculinity. We have to deal with the fact that you have to be open and say that I blew it, I messed it up. I'm trying to start over and to be able to articulate and communicate.

Speaker 3: 13:52

And I talk about communication with these fathers because a lot of them say that they don't like to communicate or they're not great communicators, but they are great communicators when it's time for them to want to speak to a young lady that they find is attractive. They have the right words of what they want to say to them. They're a great listener. They know how to listen to what they're saying because they have a motive. That same way that you do with that woman, that you can do with your child is to be able to be an active listener, because a good listener makes a great communicator, and if you don't listen, you're going to have miscommunication which leads to conflict, and then we all know what happens with conflict.

Speaker 1: 14:36

Yes, absolutely, and I like that you've brought that connection to vote. It's not that they don't have the skill, it's just so the framework they put on it is this belief system that they develop. Now, whether that's a borrowed belief system or they've brought it, they've embedded it in themselves. And so let's talk a little bit about the role and, as you taught, we talked in the intro about developing positive belief systems and in their development. So how do you go about doing that in your program With the?

Speaker 3: 15:03

roles. There's several classes that we have. We're working on right now it's in the editor's hand five book series for our curriculums and it's called Healthy Mind, body and Spirit and it really actually addresses one thing after another. So we start off talking, as I told you, the men in emotion. We talk about the communication, we talk about conflict resolution. We talk about what is conflict and healthy conflict, because a lot of times people think of conflict, they think of native conflict.

Speaker 3: 15:36

We talk about being vulnerable and having an open space that they feel like they can communicate without being judged. That's the big key right there, because once they are in this place, where and this is probably one of the house rules that I first start off letting people know that if anybody is being laughed at or judged or anybody being judgmental in that class is going to be removed from the class permanently, which means you can never come back to man, because what you do is you break the safe place where these guys can actually really be healed. They can cry and not be judged. They can say how they feel and the mistakes that they've made, and so now what they're doing is they feel and this is the big thing a place where they can trust you.

Speaker 3: 16:25

And 90% of these guys have trust issues. So we got to get past the trust issues. In order for me to help you, got to let me help you, but you got to be able to feel like I'm going to help you and not hurt you.

Speaker 1: 16:39

Well, and that's a great point that you bring up there about the trust issues, right, and the because in their life they're most likely their life story has shown them that they can't trust people. And so we become guarded, right, we become guarded about how we're going to interact and what we're going to say and create that space for them to be able to. And with that ground rule, I think that's a completely fair ground rule. And with that ground rule, I think that's a completely fair ground rule. And in our group mentoring program here we call it Band of Brothers is that it's the one piece that makes it work is the trust and I borrow some verbiage from 12-step programs in that what you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here and that if it happens that we find out that it's been discussed outside of the group, that gentleman's no longer welcome back.

Speaker 1: 17:27

Because how do you expect us to be able to practice and model in any of this? And I think you talked a little bit earlier about emotions and I just think of the Bible verse in James where he says everyone must be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. That's easier said than done and we need an environment that we can practice that, so that we can actually learn how to be in a high, I'll say, like a high octane emotion, like anger or fear, and that we can then be able to truly articulate. And so let's talk a little bit more about what I just said there and what are your thoughts on that? Absolutely.

Speaker 3: 18:11

It's funny. You talk about fear and anger. A lot of times we think that people are angry when in fact they're fearful. Us actually, as men, we just respond without thinking, and we have to teach that's one of the things I do is I teach men to start processing things in their head before they act. Think about what it's going to cost you. But you have to be slow to speak. There's a reason why you have two ears and one mouth. You're supposed to listen twice as much as you speak, but we do just the opposite and it gets us in trouble. And so now it's trying to uproot that old learned behavior and to lay a new foundation. And that new foundation.

Speaker 3: 18:59

It's a little awkward because you never utilize this skill, you've never been taught this skill set, and so it goes against everything that society believes in, especially as it pertains to masculinity and manhood. And so that's why I tell them. I say that part didn't work for you. You tried it. It didn't work for you, it landed you in prison, so let's try something different. And you're right.

Speaker 3: 19:25

If I asked these guys and I always ask them at the beginning of the class could you all raise your hands? If you have trust issues, and more than 95% of the class they know they have trust issues. So it's even an issue for them to even trust me as a professor or a instructor, because they have abandonment issues, they have rejection issues, they have hurt issues, they've cut off, they've numbed themselves, they've medicated themselves, they have a past history that have been birthed into domestic violence because that's all they know, and so now they have to realize that it's wrong, it's a wrong thought of thinking, it's a wrong behavior. It's not just physical, but it's mental, it's verbal, it's financially, and so what we're doing is really actually educating them on a new way of doing life.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Absolutely. There's just so much stuff that's going on for these individuals, right, and I think about. You mentioned abandonment, and that's really that's the other side of that coin of the absent father and you talked earlier about. You could still be present, but you're not emotionally present and we're still absent. And I think of how often that happens in life too. And so what these folks are, these children, are witnessing. They're witnessing this domestic abuse, they're witnessing this other stuff that's going on because they don't, it's just the environment that they're brought in, and so they see that and they struggle with trying to get out of it. And so what I really appreciate about parts of your program, this part of it especially, is you're really about teaching them some mentorship skills. But in order to really learn about mentorship, they need not only a mentor but they also need to have a mentee. So what are the characteristics, when you're looking at and teaching, that make a good mentor, make a good mentee?

Speaker 3: 21:24

That's really. That's a great question and it's funny because it couldn't be more timely. I've been asked by one of the leading organizations in this country, responsible Fatherhood, to be a mentor for mentee of organization that's starting a fatherhood program. And the reason why they asked me to do this? Because most of the fatherhood programs that exist are older men that started a long time ago and they're afraid that we're going to lose the legacy in terms of the fatherhood piece, and so when I think of a mentor, I try to use it as simple as possible, and that is a man allowing you to tour his life.

Speaker 3: 22:12

When you say mentor, so that means you're giving me access to who you are, that means that you're giving me an opportunity to pour into your life and to actually tell you when you're right and when you're wrong, to give you wisdom, the understanding to not always tell you what you want to hear, but to tell you what you need to hear, to share past experiences. That has helped me, as a father and as a man, to navigate through this thing called life, and I'm going to take that and pass it off to you. That's my term of a mentor Now. The mentee has to be able to be open and willing to take this information, whether they like it or not, whether they want to hear it or not, but know that it's beneficial for them in order for their personal development.

Speaker 1: 23:08

Yeah, I completely agree with that and I really like how you broke down that mentor piece. It's men allowing you to tour their life. What a great way to put together a mentorship. So I just love that and I may end up by borrowing it. Let's talk about what strategies you're using to help young men and fathers develop these broader, bright and based life skills, because you're working with them when they're incarcerated. And then there's this transition that has to come back into the outside world and maybe that's, and so I'm trying to understand how that, because there's one thing, when you're in a safe environment, when you're working on the skills, just doing well, and then you get into your past life or a part of your life and you're trying to rebuild, but it's probably not working out very smoothly in the beginning. So talk a little bit about that transition.

Speaker 3: 24:01

Very smoothly in the beginning. So talk a little bit about that transition. Yeah, and I've seen this work with a lot of people that's been in rehab. They do very well when they're in rehab program and it's very structured and they see what they have to do when they wake up. The classes that they take to the things that they do. They do very well when they're in this structured environment. But what I have seen is when they leave that structured environment is when they fall off.

Speaker 3: 24:27

And so what I like is I've already worked with the guys out and I'm working with the guys in. Now, when I'm working with the guys in, I'm actually I'm uprooting an old foundation, toxic behavior. I'm changing the way that they think, because everything starts with the thought and it's great. While they're incarcerated and they're working on their skills and again, I say this in a funny way, but I really mean it I have a captive audience. They're not going anywhere, and so they might as well take that time and utilize it to benefit while they're there, to be the best person they can. Now, when they come out which they're already asking a lot of the judges and commissioners that well, I want to continue this relationship with man to man. I want to get out and I want to go to man. So they're already saying, hey, I have this relationship that I've been working with man to man for all our curriculums. They build on each other, and so they have a year of courses, of different, various courses to help develop this manhood, to learn how to make better decisions, how to think better, and so now the test is when you get out, how do you utilize everything you've learned in, which means you're going to have to break some relationships. You can't associate with some of the people that you used to associate with If you had a drinking problem or a drug problem. You can't go back and do that. You're going to have to have a faith relationship, and I'm not trying to tell people to be whatever they need to be, but I know that most of the people that I know it starts with the relationship with God.

Speaker 3: 26:17

Really, none of us can do any of this apart from God unless God order our steps, and the Bible says that if any man lacks wisdom, that we ask God for that wisdom and that he would pour that wisdom out on us liberally.

Speaker 3: 26:32

That is the beginning step, because we can't do it alone. There's no low ranges in this thing called life, and so we all need God to help guide us, lead us and direct us, including me as an instructor. And the other thing is to let them know that you're going to fail, and it's okay to fail. Even as an instructor that teaches these classes all the time, I'm always being tested on the same skill set that I teach them, and so I have to remember what I teach them that I have to actually put into practice myself, because none of us are devil proof. Hey, I don't care who you are at any given time, we all can fall. Given the right place at the wrong time, we could all be incarcerated, we could all have made a bad decision, we can all have done something that we're not happy about, and so that keeps us humble and it keeps us actually mindful of the decisions that we make and the people that we associate with.

Speaker 1: 27:37

Yeah, I completely agree with that.

Speaker 1: 27:38

I was just thinking of.

Speaker 1: 27:39

One of the things that I do for F-Service is we have a homeless shelter that provides space for homeless to stay in and food service, and so on a monthly basis during the summer now, I'm going on my own to do breakfast service for them, and then in the fall and the winter months, spring, I take groups with me to come in, because I truly believe as a society, we're one accident, one paycheck, one dramatic change in our life that that's what we need.

Speaker 1: 28:11

And when I see the faces on the other side, I look at that and I just think that how many of these folks are the working poor? How many of them have to make a decision between, okay, I need to feed family and myself, or pay rent and other reasons of why they're there? And so I like how your organization works, both with those that are incarcerated and outside, because they need that transition. We need that connection to keep it going so the skills get developed when they're in the real world, when life actually starts to happen again, and they have that call, that person, that mentor, that class that they can go to to keep it going. So could you share a success story from your organization that we can look upon and how it's doing such great work there in California and around the US?

Speaker 3: 29:04

Absolutely One of the recent success stories was they write a lot of articles on our program, whether it's in San Quentin or in different magazines and journals. They did a graduation at San Quentin State Prison and the San Quentin News Department wrote an article. And I had just moved into this new law office space which nobody really actually knew the address because we had just moved there and I received a letter from a gentleman from another prison and he said that I read. He says, dr P, I read about your program from the Santa Quentin News Department. Now Santa Quentin News writes this newspaper but they distribute them in all the prisons in California and even outside of California.

Speaker 3: 29:55

So this gentleman said I love what you're doing about fathers. I have a relationship with my son. It's a pretty good relationship, but it's not the relationship that I would like to have. I want you to send me everything you have in terms of helping us, correspondence, classes or whatever. And what really got me was, first of all, this man had to do his research to find me because I had just moved in this office so I hadn't really given anybody that address. But he found me and he requested actually for the classes that we're teaching in San Quentin, which made me write these books that I was telling you about these correspondence books. Whether it's self-taught, there's not a facilitator, there's not a teacher. You're the teacher and the student, and so now we're going to be able to take those books, based on what this guy have shared with me, because at the time we didn't have a correspondence class, and so I'm like I need to develop this, and so that's a real one of the success stories. That was just recent, that just happened.

Speaker 1: 31:02

That's incredible Talk about God working in mysterious ways, right when the message is there, and it's right, people find a way. They find a way to do that. When I was speaking with someone else today and we were just talking about how do we change the world, what's one person at a time, right and that alone, that individual reaching out to not just the work that you're doing, but from the newsletter then that that promoted this gentleman to do something and who knows what he's going to do with that work to really yeah let me.

Speaker 3: 31:36

Let me give you another one that just came to my mind. So we were down in Sacramento, at the capital of California, and we were going to talk with some legislators, try to see how we could get funding for reentry, and so we had all we had this meet and greet space and this guy was talking to my wife and I was talking to somebody else and we were all working the rooms and talking and it was an ex-warden from the, san Quentin was there, and so I was talking to somebody else and we were all working the rooms and talking. It was an ex-warden from the, san Quentin was there, and so I was talking to the guy and he says, yeah, san Quentin needs a domestic violence class. I said San Quentin does have a domestic violence class. I said I teach it in the chapel.

Speaker 3: 32:14

And he looked at me and he looked at my name and he says and he looked at my name and he says Dr. He says I'm trying to get in your class for years. It's just a long waiting list. Man, I've heard so much about you and my celly used to talk about you and it was just really crazy that we're having a conversation and he's heard about man to man and I've never met this guy and he's just freshly just getting out of prison and asking me to mentor him and help him so that he can start a program.

Speaker 1: 32:47

Wow, that's powerful. Just love that, just love that. I'm sure we talked a little bit about mentors here and mentees and all that. But, dr P, I'm sure you've had a couple of those in your life where you've had a mentor and somebody that's really had a profound impact on your life. And so my question for you what has been the best piece of advice that they've given you? How is it still serving you today?

Speaker 3: 33:10

I have a mentor by the name of Dr J Alfred Smith. Dr Well, there's Reverend Dr J Alfred Smith, senior, known all across the world. I remember in high school we had a big revival at his church and he had asked me could he pray for me? Now, mind you, at this time I was not living for God, prayer was not something I wanted and I was very ignorant. So I told the man, no, he couldn't pray for me. I know every time I say that people can't believe because even the worst sinner was prayer. But I told him no, I didn't want him to pray for me. And he said I'm going to pray for you anyway. And he took me up on his stage and he had bishops and he had Catholic priests, and every religion you could think of was there, whether it's Muslims or whatever. And anyway, they all gathered around me and they prayed for me and that prayer saved my life.

Speaker 3: 34:06

I went to the Marines and I made some really bad decisions in terms of the friends that I associated with. Everybody that I associated with in the military, in the Marines, were kicked out of the Marines and I was the only one out of that group that got out with an honorable discharge and I know that was that prayer for me. And this individual was known all across the world Everybody. He's mentored so many people but he always took time when I would go into his office and tell his secretary if this young man ever comes in, he doesn't need an appointment. He would come around his desk, kneel down with me, grab my hand, pray with me and then he'll go back around to his desk and say how could he help me?

Speaker 3: 34:56

That showed me that this man, knowing that he had a mega church of over 5,000 members back in their early 80s, before they even had mega churches took the time to pull into my life and to see the importance of prayer. And he was a neighbor so I used to see him when I would shoot basketball in front of my house. He would drive by my house, roll the window down and speak to me and be engaged. And I think that everything that I do is because of that man putting and pouring himself into me to even to this day, not just then. He's up in his nineties now, but he's just been such a father figure and a mentor and I know that's what we all need as young men.

Speaker 1: 35:45

Absolutely no doubt about that, and that's the power of mentors, whether we see it or not in the moment, but ultimately we do see it. Everything that we spoke about today and maybe there was something we didn't get a chance to touch on what would be the takeaway you'd want our listeners to have?

Speaker 3: 36:02

I want our listeners to understand that, in terms of families, we're regressing. We're not progressing when we look at the social ills and the things that are happening in our community. We could really stop a lot of this if we could just get the parents to be on the same page and don't let the traditional court system or let your emotions ride you to the point that pride and egoist type of behavior takes root and causes our families to be destroyed, takes root and causes our families to be destroyed. When I talk about the work that, I don't think our society really understands the importance of it, because fathers are not a really big figure in society. Whether you're a good father or you're a bad dad, it really doesn't matter.

Speaker 3: 36:55

You can look at Father's Day and think about go to a restaurant. You can pick any seat you want. They're not being honored the way that they should and we need more fathers to be. We need more advocacy in terms of the traditional court systems and fathers being honored in terms of the court systems, and mediators and child support services need to say hey look, we need to get fathers involved and we need to assist them rather than think that there's just a paycheck to support their children, but they can't have any time with children. Men have emotions, they have feelings, they want to be involved in their children's life, just like mothers do.

Speaker 3: 37:35

And so we got to do a better job in terms of dealing with this thing of fatherlessness, because, when I tell you and I don't think I told you this, but when I told you about it's the most destructive trend in our society.

Speaker 3: 37:48

One thing I didn't tell you was in every country we have an issue with fatherlessness all across the world, and children are growing up without fathers. They have mental health issues, they have, like I said, abandonment issues, and mothers are the gatekeepers and if you see this man trying to be involved with his child, don't stop him because you have a problem with what happened in the past between you and him. Allow him to spend that time because you're not really hurting him. You're hurting that child and that child is going to have problems in life. Whether it pertains to relationships, whether it pertains to trust issues, whether it's relating to teenage pregnancies, the cycle continue in terms of abandonment issues and all of these things that could be dealt with if we just could sit out and be mature adults and communicate and learn how to work it together in terms of parenting and co-parenting.

Speaker 1: 38:52

Completely agree and I think that is, and you're absolutely right, it doesn't matter where we are, whether in the US or in Canada or around the world fatherlessness, the absence of fathers in the home, truly being absent, whether they're not there at all in physical form, or being there but not engaging with their children. And I can say as a father of a 30-year-old now and a 32 and a 29-year-old I wasn't because their mom and I split up when they were very young. I didn't do a good job of staying present with them, and now it's catch-up time.

Speaker 1: 39:27

It's catch-up time to try to be there and I think the work you're doing is so important there. Dr P and I just want to say thank you so much for spending some time with us today, giving us some insights on what we can do to curb the fatherlessness that's happening in our communities and some of the things that we can do to get involved. So if men are interested in getting a hold of you and participating in your work, what's the best way for them to do that?

Speaker 3: 39:53

There's a few things. Our email is man M-A-N number two, m-a-n at. And then you do it again man to man, so it's man number two, man at. Man to man dash U-Y-A dot org. Our website is man to man dash U-Y-A dot org. And yeah and yeah, you can Google me. You can find me on LinkedIn. The work that I do in terms of when you Google me is extensive. Whether it's podcasts, it's workshops, I'm here to try to help men across the globe. My job is to help men in every area of life that has failed, that have not really actually had the practical tools, and so if that's you or you want to say, hey, look, I need help in certain things, or just reach out and we can tell you the classes that we have and where we are located, and come to your town and try to make a difference.

Speaker 1: 40:57

Love that. I'm going to make sure all of that information's in today's show notes, your social feed, your website, the email, so folks get an opportunity to reach out and get a hold of you. Once again, Dr P, thank you so much for being on the show. I really enjoyed our conversation today.

Speaker 3: 41:10

Thank you so much for having me. It's been a pleasure.

Speaker 2: 41:20

Thank you for listening to the revolutionary man podcast. Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the man you are destined to be? Join the brotherhood that is the awakened man at theawakendmannet and start forging a new destiny today.