The Hidden Ways You're Pushing Her Away

Many men unconsciously create emotional distance that slowly erodes their relationships through patterns of emotional unavailability, withholding appreciation, fixing problems instead of feeling emotions, and avoiding conflict.

• Emotional unavailability isn't a strength – it's disconnection that creates isolation
• When men stop affirming their partners, it creates invisible resentment
• Women need to be seen and heard, not fixed, when sharing emotions
• Appreciate your partner for who she is, not just what she does
• Conflict avoidance isn't peacekeeping – it's withholding truth that builds walls
• Practice the feel-hear-ask method to build an emotional connection
• Make time for real conversations beyond logistics and schedules
• Lead with vulnerability by initiating one honest conversation weekly
• Rebuild non-sexual affection without expectation or transaction
• Connection is a choice, a muscle, and a mission that requires daily practice

Visit memberstheawakenedman.net to download our free Awakened Man Integrity Challenge and the "10 Questions to Reignite Emotional Intimacy" PDF.

Key moments in this episode:

01:22 The Hidden Habits of Emotional Disconnection

02:50 Emotional Unavailability: The Silent Relationship Killer

09:28 Withholding Appreciation and Affection

15:11 The Fix-It Mentality: Why It Doesn't Work

21:02 Avoiding Conflict: The Path to Disconnection

26:23 Jake's Story: A Journey to Emotional Presence

30:15 Practical Tips for Reigniting Emotional Intimacy

38:38 Conclusion and Call to Action

Free Download:

10 Questions To Reignite Emotional Intimacy

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Revolutionary Man
• 2:50 Emotional Unavailability Isn't Strength
• 9:36 Withholding Appreciation Creates Resentment
• 15:24 Fixing Instead of Feeling
• 21:11 Avoiding Conflict Weakens Connection
• 28:09 Jake's Story: The Path to Presence
• 30:24 Five Practical Connection Strategies
• 36:03 Resources and Closing Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man podcast, the show where we challenge men to lead with integrity, to live with passion and to build a legacy that lasts. I'm your host, alan DeMonso. Today's topic may sting a little bit, but it's one that we need to talk about. It's the subtle and often unconscious ways that we push our partners away.

Speaker 1: 0:18

Now, I'm not talking about cheating or screaming matches. I'm talking about emotional distance, the dismissiveness, the I'm fine attitude that slowly kills intimacy and connection. And so the truth is that our relationships won't end with a bang. They're going to erode with a series of quiet, unspoken gaps, gaps we didn't even realize we were creating. But here's the good news what's hidden can be healed. And so in today's episode, we're going to unpack the hidden habits that drive emotional disconnection and give us tools to reconnect, re-engage and reignite the bond with our partners. So if this is a topic that hits home for you, then I want you to sit back and just take a little bit of action Hit the like button, subscribe to the show and even drop me a comment sharing one area where you felt distance growing in your relationship. You know why. When we do that, it's when men like us speak up. It permits other men to do the same. And so let's engage and let's rise together, and with that, let's get on with today's episode.

Speaker 2: 1:25

The average man today is sleepwalking through life, many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs and values that no longer serve him. It's time to align yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man. Stay strong, my brother welcome back.

Speaker 1: 1:55

And now, before we get ready to dive into today's conversation, let me ask you a couple of questions, because it's the power of change that begins with self-awareness, isn't it? And so when was the last time that your partner felt truly seen, heard and understood by you? What's the cost of emotional distance in your relationship, and beyond just arguments or silence, and what would it mean for your life, your leadership and your legacy if you could deeply connect with your partner? Starting today, I felt the distance, and I think we've asked these questions, these hard questions, to us, because it's time for us to break the cycle, isn't it? And let's unpack some hidden patterns today that are slowly driving this wedge between ourselves and our partners, and let's also talk a little bit about how we can rebuild connection that truly lasts. And so the first point that I want to bring up for us to discuss today is emotional unavailability. Wow, tongue twister there. Emotional unavailability isn't strength, it a disconnection. And absolutely, when I think about this point, it is truly a disconnection. And so, as we think about how does that show up for us, think about, from boyhood, how many of us are told that directly or maybe even indirectly, and most likely that way that emotion equals weakness for us men. So we're taught to man up, to not cry, to keep things together and be the rock in our relationships. Now, on the surface, that stoic idea does seem pretty noble, but when we leave this unbalanced, then what it does is it ultimately mutates into emotional isolation because we've never been allowed to express it, and so a man who never learns through healthy expression, through being a bit vulnerable, then he's going to become disconnected, and I can tell you that's something that I continue to work on in my relationship today. And so it's not just emotional disconnection from my partner and my wife, but it's also emotional disconnection from ourself, and so this often leads a lot of men to be good, what feels like we're good under pressure, but it really feels emotionally absent, especially when we're at home, and so our partners see us as being cold and even distance. But really what's going on is that we're trapped in a script that has taught us that strength equals silence, and so it's a model that may help while you're in the boardroom, but it's going to kill intimacy in the bedroom, and so I want to ask yourself where in your life have you learned being emotional that made you less of a man and who modeled that for you? And then I also want you to consider what if you redefined emotional strength as a courage to be honest, not the ability to stay silent? I think that's a really key set of questions. As we start into today's conversation, here's the next thing I'd like us to consider Emotional withdrawal isn't power either.

Speaker 1: 5:07

It's avoidance, I should say. We often confuse emotional detachment with calm maturity, maybe even leadership. But being emotionally unavailable doesn't mean that we're in control. It means we've likely just developed a survival strategy and it keeps us from confronting any type of conflict, where that'd be internal or external. So the true power is being able to face our emotion, to feel it and to respond, not just react, and especially not with retreating. And so, men, when we shut down emotionally often isn't because we don't care. It's because we're afraid of what might come up. If we're going to open that door, that's because we don't open that door very often. So what is buried behind that is still going to be alive, but it doesn't mean that it's going to totally die either. And so it's going to show up in different ways, sometimes just as microaggressions, sometimes it's impatience, sometimes it shows up as sarcasm, and sometimes it shows up as us withdrawing. And so I want you also to consider notice where you're being emotionally going dark, especially during difficult conversations, and so it's when we're being criticized that this might occur, right, or when we're afraid of engaging in any type of conflict. But when we have that awareness, it's the first step to us actually gaining presence in that moment.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Strength isn't emotional neutrality, strength is in the engagement aspect of it. And so, when we consider our third idea here is that engaging emotionally really does start with honesty. It gives us a different perspective, a different way to turn that diamond, as a mentor used to say to me and see, we don't need to go out and cry every day and be a blubbering fool, and we don't need to get emotional on demand either, but we do need to get in control of our own inner world. And so being honest about where we're at with something whether that means that we're being stressed or confused, burnt out, maybe even overwhelmed that's what's going to create an opening for authentic connection, and so that truly becomes the doorway for us to step through, and as we do that, we start to build trust, and it's our partner who's going to feel that difference between this fake calm and truly being present. And so honesty doesn't mean that we're going to all of a sudden emotionally vomit all over our partners or colleagues or a trusted friend. It means we're going to start stating our reality with ownership. Right, I've been distant lately. I think I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I don't know how to bring it up.

Speaker 1: 7:49

When we start to speak from an honest perspective, it doesn't erode any trust. What it actually does is build that. It's the foundation. And so something else for you to consider is practice naming your emotion for yourself. Do that once every day, a couple times. Take the habit of jotting it down as well. See, this practice of expressing them out loud, at least to yourself and then even with your partner, without any explanation or defensiveness, is going to feel very different for us, and so when we can say things like you know what I'm feeling off today we just don't have to worry about having to go through a large explanation, and so that's really being emotionally re-engaging by taking action. And so I like the work of john eldridge, and john says you can't truly love someone you refuse to open up to, and I think that's great words of wisdom from John, and so I consider how we've started our conversation out today and we try to put a little bow on this one.

Speaker 1: 8:51

Emotional detachment is not a masculine strength, gentlemen, it's a learned disconnection. And so, as men, we can encourage ourselves to engage with our emotional reality. Then we become men who can truly lead with love, and love that lasts. So let's try not to be the man who loses everything because he thought silence was going to be his strength. So let's be the one man that's going to learn to speak from our soul, from a position of power and strength. And so I want to move into a second point here about this idea of how we're pushing our partners away, and the concept here is that withholding appreciation and affection is going to create quiet resentment.

Speaker 1: 9:36

When I think about what we're talking about here, I think about how most men, myself included, stop affirming our partners over time, myself included, stop affirming our partners over time. In the early days, we are very expressive to our partners about who they are and what they mean. We flirt, we compliment, we touch, we pursue. But then, as time goes on, as life sets in stress, our work routine starts to become part of our lives, many of those gestures fade and they fall away. And so it's not out of intentional neglect, but because our comfort starts to creep in, and so then our effort slides away. What once was an act of love now becomes passive familiarity, and that truly is the killer of intimacy and connections. Our partners might still be doing the same things that did from the very beginning she's caring for the kids, supporting our goals and our dreams, running the house, contributing emotionally but she's no longer receiving any acknowledgement whatsoever, and it's that void, if we leave it unspoken, is slowly going to transform into bitterness and resentment.

Speaker 1: 10:45

I'd like you to take some inventory today. When was the last time that you genuinely complimented your wife, not for how she looks, but for who she is? Start there. Rediscover the power of intentional praise. It doesn't cost you anything and it pays massive dividends in building connection, reconnection with your spouse here's the second thing on the second bullet that we're talking about, and that's our partner starts to feel invisible. Think about this. For many women, emotional current relationship is affirmation. When we stop appreciating her and that starts to dry up, so does intimacy. She starts to wonder does he even notice who I am anymore? Am I just his roommate or co-parent? That feeling for her, of being emotionally invisible, is one of the most dangerous undercurrents that can develop in our relationships.

Speaker 1: 11:41

Resentment is going to start with isn't necessarily going to start with something huge. It's going to begin in small ways, maybe just unloading the dishwasher, or being told to always have to do it, managing the family schedule all by herself, showing up again and again, and then for her to only feel like it was an afterthought. It's over time, when we start doing these things, that she stops initiating things. She's going time. When we start doing these things that she stops initiating things. She's going to stop sharing, she stops trusting, not because she wants to, but because she's being completely and totally depleted. So take an opportunity now to practice daily a sense of recognition for your partner. Say thank you when she serves Acknowledge, when she's caring more than her fair share, which she's probably doing a lot more than you'd care to admit.

Speaker 1: 12:30

This isn't going to be about flattery, gentlemen. This is about seeing who she is. This is the woman of your dreams, living the way that you had never seen before, and so that second idea is that just one act of gratitude or affection can rebuild weeks of distance. It's truly a powerful truth when you stop to consider this, that affection and appreciation are compounding investments. Think about that. I think most of us understand what compound interest is. That's what affection and appreciation are like, and so a small, sincere gesture has that power to shift the emotional tone of an entire relationship. A hand on her back, a midday text to say you've been on my mind, these are the moments that are not considered just fluff. These are what refuels or recharges our partner's energy. And so women are truly highly attuned, gentlemen, to emotional tone. And so a relationship can shift, not through grand apologies, but through small, sustained affirmations.

Speaker 1: 13:33

And so many of us need to look for that reset button, because when connection does become lost, it's because it hasn't been reset. And we need to reset that as steps at a time. There is no big on button here. It's rebuilding it bit by bit and developing a cadence and a rhythm. And so I'd like you to do another thing set a timer on your phone so that every day, you intentionally show up with either a verbal affirmation or some physical affection. And why am I asking you to do that? Because, gentlemen, this is how we normally think, isn't it? We're very linear. So let's remove the excuse about I forgot, and let's just set a timer on our phone to take some action. Once that habit becomes ingrained, absolutely let's get rid of that timer. But in the beginning you might need a little bit of a prompt and we're not going to do this because you don't feel like you're wanting to do it.

Speaker 1: 14:24

We're going to do it because that's the man that we want to be, and remember that it's about our actions. How we're showing up is what's going to make the difference in her emotional connection to us, and so when I can think about how we can wrap up this idea, I think about. Relationships don't crumble because of a lack of love. They crumble because there's a lack of attention, and so the man who can consistently uphold appreciation may not be trying to push his partner away, but that's exactly what's going to start happening, and so we can either choose to see her or choose to speak greatness into her, and if we do that, we can watch the emotional walls start to fall because she feels seen, heard and safe. And so when I consider our third idea around, this whole concept of how we're potentially pushing our partners away, think about trying to fix something instead of feeling it it's going to how she's gonna feel alone. And so we are totally wired. Are we not to solve problems? But connection isn't a problem to fix, and even though I've been giving you some tools and some strategies so far, it's not about fixing the problem right. We are totally action juror and that's why you've been given some of these prompts about this episode. So we thrive on strategy, on solutions and getting from point A to point B. That's how we're wired.

Speaker 1: 15:50

So when we start to consider, when our partner brings us emotional pain, what is our instincts to do for her? We want to fix it, we want to clean it up, we're going to solve it, and then let's just move on. But emotional pain is not a broken appliance. That's a sacred signal. She doesn't need us to solve for her, she needs us to see her. And so when we jump into fix it mode right away, that's when she hears I care, it's no, you're too much or you're not being reasonable. And so this is what starts to create emotional isolation. So what does she do? She stops opening up. It's not because she doesn't trust herself, it's because she doesn't feel safe with us. She doesn't trust herself, it's because she doesn't feel safe with us. And so consider the next time that your partner, your spouse, shares something, resist the urge to offer a solution and instead validate that emotion for her. That sounds really heavy. I'm glad you told me that's what masculine presence is in action. It's not passive, but it's still very powerful.

Speaker 1: 16:56

And so when we consider a second idea or a second nuance to this concept, is that fixing fast actually is going to communicate a disinterest in her experience. So when we consider that, when we immediately go to onto the step of okay, what do we got to do to fix this, it really bypasses everything that she's feeling, doesn't it? And often what she's looking for isn't a resolution, it's resonance. She wants to know will you enter this with me and will you feel it with me for a moment before we try to fix it In coaching rooms and in therapy? This is the number one complaint most women make. He doesn't hear me, he just wants to move on, and so that rush to repair feels like being dismissed and has no feeling of being devoted. And so I practice. Here's an opportunity for you to practice something a little different. When she brings this to you, do you want me to support you on this or you just want me to be within this with you? See that one question can transform a defensiveness that she may have into a deeper connection, and it shows respect to her capacity to process and not just about your ability to fix things.

Speaker 1: 18:13

Practicing presence over performance is going to build trust, won't it? And so our masculine leadership in a relationship isn't about controlling what the outcome is going to look like. It's going to be about holding space. And this concept and idea of holding space can be a bit confusing. And so when our partner's in pain, our job isn't to make it disappear. Let me say that again. When our partner is in pain, our job isn't to make it disappear. Let me say that again. When our partner is in pain, it's not our job to make that pain disappear. It's for us to create this emotional container where she feels safe to express, to unravel, and then to come back together and reassemble, and that's the presence that's more powerful than anything we can ever do to fix. And so what happens for us men is that we often feel very powerless in the face of emotion or turmoil, because we equate impact with action.

Speaker 1: 19:04

But women connect through a shared vulnerability, not perfect solutions, and so while we're solution oriented, they just need us to sit there with them. And so when we can hold our ground emotionally not detaching, not reacting, but really building a foundation of trust then no solution could ever match what it is that we're doing in that moment. And so consider the next time you're tempted to jump in and answer her when she's bringing a problem forward, just pause, take a breath, maybe count to three, and if you need to go to five, maybe even to ten, then look her in the eye and say I'm here, I don't have to fix this right now, I just want you to know you're not alone. That's the work and that's the win. If we can do that, gentlemen, it's going to take us a long way to connecting to our partners. And so David August Berger says being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable. And so consider what David's saying there. That works for us as well. And so when we're in these same types of conversations with close colleagues, these same types of conversations with close colleagues, friends, that are extremely important to us in life, being able to be heard is very important in all relationships. And so fixing is instinctive for us.

Speaker 1: 20:26

Right Feeling is intentional, and the man who can learn to sit in his emotional discomfort, not as a rescuer but as a witness, that's the man who becomes emotionally irresistible to his partner. So, gentlemen, our job isn't to carry her emotion, our job is to stay with her long enough for her to feel carried by your presence. And I think when we practice this stuff and it's kind of relationship fire that most men never learn to build but if we do learn to build this, trust me, gentlemen, everything's going to change for you, and as we get into our fourth and final point on this, avoiding conflict is going to need to weaken our connection, and so avoidance isn't about peacekeeping, it's withholding the truth. And so avoidance isn't about peacekeeping, it's withholding the truth. And so many men confuse this idea of conflict avoidance with emotional maturity. They say things like I just don't want to argue, or it's not worth the fight, and I used to say that all the time. Actually, my verbiage was in a year from now, what difference will this make? But here's the truth what we avoid doesn't go away, it only accumulates, and so every unspoken frustration becomes a brick on the wall between yourself and your partner, and I felt that many years ago in my marriage. And so then the silence starts to build and it becomes a resilience, a resentment. And when silence becomes resentment, resentment then transforms into distance. And so if we can avoid conflict, we may think that we're keeping the peace, we're keeping harmony in our relationship, but what's really going on is that we're burying the truth of the situation. That eventually guess what? That truth is either going to explode in a moment of rage or it's going to corrode the relationship from the inside out, and we can't expect to deeply connect with someone who's afraid to be honest with us and us honest with them.

Speaker 1: 22:25

And so I'd like you for this piece to take away is to identify a tension that you've been ignoring in your relationship. It could be about money, it could be about parenting intimacy, maybe even how you ignoring in your relationship. It could be about money, it could be about parenting intimacy, maybe even how you feel in the relationship. Then let's set some time aside to talk face-to-face no distractions, no TV, no phones. Use calm and direct language. There's something on my heart I haven't shared, and it's time that I do and begin that conversation and start to unpack the things and the tension that are sitting between us. And the key here is to start with something small, not the most profound thing in your relationship. Start and build there.

Speaker 1: 23:06

Honesty is going to be that expression of respect. It's not about being rebellious, and so we often think that bringing up rough topics is going to be rocking the boat or it's going to make us look bad or like the bad guy. But in a relationship that can't hold truth, because that's not a safe one, is it? It's a fragile relationship when we're withholding things like that. And so honesty, when we deliver that with respect, it's not aggression, it's leadership and it's telling our partner that I trust you with the truth.

Speaker 1: 23:39

And so many women don't want to be around passive men who's just going to sit there and nod and keep the peace. Nobody wants to be in a relationship like that. They want a grounded man who will step into uncomfortable conversations with emotional integrity and clear direction. That's how trust is built. It's not going to be through avoidance, but it's going to be through alignment with who we are and alignment within our relationship. So here's a phrase I'd like you to practice as you start to step into this idea, and this concept is that I'm bringing up this because I care about us, not because I want to fight, because I want to grow and not coast, and then, from there, speak your truth. Just don't offload on it, own it, it's your stuff, and then don't attack it her, just to reveal what's happening for you. If you can practice that and start to get that out of your belt of mastering, your relationship is going to shift dramatically.

Speaker 1: 24:34

And so when we start into that, it might bring up some more conflict, but when we handle conflict well, it's going to deepen our intimacy. And so conflict is not the enemy, combativeness is. And so what healthy conflict does? It just reveals what matters to us most, doesn't it? And so it's going to uncover our needs. It's going to force clarity in the relationship, and when two people can respectfully disagree, then they're going to stay connected and they're going to prove that to each other. And so we're not going to go anywhere.

Speaker 1: 25:05

When we start to truly have healthy conflict, even in the fire, we still need to become it. And we start to truly have healthy conflict Even in the fire. We still need to become it and we will. And so it's the couples who can grow together aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who fight well, who repair, who listen when it's hard, it's who walk back into the room when they'd rather be walking out. And so, when you consider how we can employ this into our lives, the next time you have a disagreement, lead the repair, not with an apology for how she feels, but with your ownership for how you showed up, say, hey, here's what I could have done better. Thank you for sticking with me through that. That single act, I guarantee you, is going to build more trust than any perfect argument that you can come up with.

Speaker 1: 25:56

Max says conflict is going to be inevitable, but combat is optional. And so, if we consider avoiding conflict may feel like control, it's actually just surrendering our influence, isn't it? And so conflict is where intimacy is tested and it's where character is revealed. And so the revolutionary man doesn't run from tension, does he? He walks through it with courage, with clarity and commitment, because he wants to connect.

Speaker 1: 26:23

And so when I think about this, I think about a gentleman by the name of Jake, and Jake was the kind of guy that many other guys respected. He was a business owner in his early 40s. He had a couple of kids, he had been married for 15 years, and he was steady, loyal and never missed a day of work. He provided everything for his family that he needed. At least, that's what Jake thought. And so, lately, he started to sense that things were off. His wife was getting quieter and much more distant. She stopped laughing at his jokes and the hugs had become side glances. Sex felt extremely transactional, if it happened at all for him, and so he chalked it all up to we're stressful, we have busy lives, maybe there's hormones going on.

Speaker 1: 27:06

What it took a friday night after he had offered a rushed I love you and walked past his wife in the hallway where she stopped him cold and said you don't really see me anymore, jake, I feel like a ghost in my own house, and I got to tell you that just hit Jake with so much power that he just stood there stunned. Defensive thoughts started to race through his mind. I haven't cheated, I've been working my ass off. I'm here, aren't I? But deep down he knew something was true about that, and so it was that night, as he sat in his man cave, in his garage, drinking a beer, staring at the silence that he had helped build, that he realized he hadn't touched her affectionately in weeks, couldn't remember the last time that he asked her how she was feeling, not just what she had done, and so every conversation had become a logistical conversation and every evening background noise. So he hadn't meant to push her away, but his emotional absence had become louder than words. So, of course, as Jake considered this and contemplated what was happening in his marriage, he realized he didn't want to lose her and he's damn sure didn't want to lose himself either. And so he did something that Jake hadn't done in years. He initiated a hard conversation. So he told her I don't know when I stopped showing up emotionally, but I want to fix this, not you me. I've been numb, I've been passive and I didn't even see the wall that I was building. She didn't respond with fireworks or forgiveness, but she didn't walk away either. That night they sat on the couch for hours, talking, not perfectly but honestly, and for the first time in a long time, they felt like a team again.

Speaker 1: 28:55

Over the next few months, as Jake and his wife started to put things together, he started showing up differently. He started small. It was a little hand on the shoulder as she cooked. It was a note on the mirror. He read books about relationships, not just on business, and he asked hard questions and he listened, without fixing it, but just to be present. He even caught himself saying that sounds hard. I'm here Instead of here's what you should do. Her eyes would begin to soften. Their conversations were longer and they argued, yes, but they repaired quicker. And then, one night, after a long day, she reached for his hand and smiled there you are.

Speaker 1: 29:34

Jake didn't become perfect, but he did become present, and in doing so, he got back not just his marriage, but he also got back himself, because disconnection doesn't always start with a blowout. It begins with an emotional drift. Jake didn't cheat, he didn't explode, he simply disappeared emotionally. And but from the moment that he chose presence over performance, everything changed and he stopped being a provider only and started to be a partner. When I think of dr john gottman and all the great work that he's done, he says when a man has the courage to come home emotionally, the entire family heals. So I think that's such powerful words, and so we have talked a lot about today, and I want to get into the tips and the ideas, more strategy for you to help you really embody and employ this into your life.

Speaker 1: 30:24

And so the first tip I'm going to have you consider is to speak appreciation daily without a prompt, and so, as I said earlier, she wants to be needed, she wants to be seen, and so daily affirmations reaffirms that her presence, efforts and spirit matter in your life. It's going to fill the emotional tank before disconnection has a chance to build, and so if we are expressing gratitude in response to an action thanks for dinner then that's going to fall on deaf ears eventually. It's really just being observative, isn't it? And so, just once a day, compliment her on who she is and not on what she does. I love how grounded you are when things feel chaotic, and then maybe put a sticky note on her mirror or text. You say it face-to-face.

Speaker 1: 31:11

The key for this process, or this strategy, is to be consistent. Then I want you to shift from solution mode to presence mode, as I said earlier. It matters here because most men, when we hear a problem, we assume that we're being asked to solve it. Instead, if we can really understand what our partner actually wants, is that she wants emotional resonance, not a tactical roadmap. That's what we'd like. The tactical roadmap, just tell me how to get there. And so when we jump in with hey, what you need to do is and start getting into the roadmap planning, she's not going to feel safe, is she? Instead, I want you to practice the feel, hear, ask method. Feel, that sounds really hard here. I'm listening, keep going, ask do you want support or just someone to sit with you in this. This is going to start to rewire your relationship dynamic instantly, and so if we can start to do that feel, hear and ask, and start with those three phases I think you're going to see a great change.

Speaker 1: 32:15

Here's tip number three Make time for some real talk, not just about logistics, and so conversation is going to revolve around bills and kids and schedules and who's doing the dishes, and emotional connection is just going to die, isn't it? So we become co-managers, not lovers, and definitely not teammates, and so if we only communicate about our responsibilities and not desires, dreams or emotions, then it's going to be a pretty stale relationship and we're going to become disconnected. So how about schedule, once a week, 30-minute connection check-in? And here's some question prompts to help you get started with that what's been on your heart this week? Where do you feel the most supported? When or where do you feel distant? Because connection isn't going to be spontaneous, right, and so we need to schedule this with intention, and that helps us build the practice and the habit so that we can have a deeper connection.

Speaker 1: 33:16

So here's step number four lead one vulnerable conversation a week. See, our emotional leadership is going to set the tone for our relationship, and so when we go first, we make it safe for her to open up without fear of rejection or dismissal, then she's going to be willing to step in and play. And so if we wait for our partner to bring something up, that's being passive, and this leadership invites connection, and that's who we are as men. And so here's a quick prompt that you can use. There's something that I've been feeling about, haven't shared because I didn't know how Can I be real with you for a moment. When we speak like that, then it gives an opportunity for us to share deeply, and it opens her up to be able to receive it. And so just speak. It Don't rehearse anything, don't apologize, just be present, be as honest as you can.

Speaker 1: 34:09

Tip five rekindle affection without expectation. So many men we treat physical affection as a precursor to sex, and so that builds a lot of pressure instead of safety. But real intimacy is built through non-sexual touch. So it's simple gestures that say I'm here and I'm care. But the mistake that many of us make is only initiating affection when we want something in return, and that makes our touch feel transactional to her, and so that's something I know that I work on consistently, and so start with some small acts hands on her back when she's cooking, touch her hand during dinner, relax hands on her back when she's cooking, touch her hand during dinner, sit close on the couch, and I mean it.

Speaker 1: 34:53

We need to rebuild the affection as a rhythm, not as a reward, because that has probably been ingrained in your relationship for a very long time, and so look for moments of opportunity where you can touch her, where there's no alternative motive for it. And here's a bonus I'd like you to start, if you're willing, a connection journal. Just keep a small notebook where you can log three things each day something that you notice about her, one act of kindness or presence that you've offered her, one area where you could have shown up better. This is going to help create some awareness for you and awareness is what helps create leadership that you can deploy some of these tips that we just talked about today, and so, with these tools, I know there's lots of opportunity for us to start things, and maybe you want a little bit more help on that, and so I do have a few books that I think would really help drive home today's episode in a much deeper way, and the first one is hold me tight by dr sue johnson, and what I like about this book is that's really foundational on emotional focus therapy that helps men understand why emotional connection, and not logic or problem solving, is the bedrock to lasting intimacy.

Speaker 1: 36:03

And in this book she's going to explain how to turn conflict into closeness and vulnerability into strength, and so I think the greatest we can give our partner is that truly secure emotional bond. So it's not about saying the perfect thing, it's going to be about staying present, especially in the hard moments. Second book you can't be surprised I'm going to offer this one up, but no More. Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover, and this book speaks directly to those of us men that are passive or conflict avoidant, and when we do that, all we end up by doing is destroying connection. But this classic book of his really helps men confront the fear of disapproval and reclaim emotional honesty without becoming emotionally reactive or manipulative. So you know, the nice guy is going to hide, and being an integrated man really reveals that we can be connected when we stop pretending and we start leading with our truth.

Speaker 1: 36:58

And then, of course, the third piece I want to offer you is our Awaken man Integrity Challenge. That's a free resource that we offer men. It's specifically designed to help you really align your personal values with your relationship leadership. It's going to include a guided reflection, tools for you, emotional awareness practices and a masculine roadmap that helps you really have relational breakthroughs, and so you can download that tool memberstheawakenedmannet and so on. As a fourth and final bonus I want to offer you is this PDF download from this episode. It's called 10 Questions to Reignite Emotional Intimacy. It's an opportunity for you to have deeper conversations over the superfluous ones that generally evolve in our relationships.

Speaker 1: 37:45

And, brother, while the real danger in our relationship isn't the conflict, it's that quiet disconnection. It's the kind that sneaks in while we're busy building our business, managing stress or just trying to hold everything together. And so don't push your partner away by yelling. You push her away by going silent, by going numb or staying emotionally absent. The truth is that connection truly is a choice and it's a muscle and it's a mission.

Speaker 1: 38:11

So, every day, get the chance to lead, not just with your strength but with presence, not just with answers but with empathy, because, remember, she's not looking for us to be perfect, she just needs us to show up Just consistently and courageously, and when we realize it's really not about fixing her but it's about facing ourself, then we can be the kind of man that makes intimacy a legacy, not just a memory. So, gentlemen, if this episode is something that hit with you and you're good with it, it means you're awake, it means that you care, and that's time for you to take the lead, just like how you know you can. With that, gentlemen, I want to say the strongest men don't avoid hard conversations. They initiate them. So start today, lead with intention and live with integrity. I'll see you next time on the revolutionary man podcast thank you for listening to the revolutionary man podcast.

Speaker 2: 39:11

Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the man you are destined to be? Join the brotherhood that is the awakened man at theawakendmannet and start forging a new destiny today.