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The Revolutionary Man Podcast
The Revolutionary Man Podcast is for high-performing husbands and fathers ready to lead with purpose. Hosted by Alain Dumonceaux, this show equips men with the tools to reclaim their masculine identity, master work-life balance, and strengthen mental health. Featuring expert interviews and raw solo episodes, each week brings insights to help men lead their families, grow their businesses, and build a lasting legacy. It’s time to stop settling and start rising.
Want to be a guest on The Revolutionary Man Podcast? Send Alain Dumonceaux a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/revolutionarymanpodcast
The Revolutionary Man Podcast
Why Do Relationships Feel Empty For Men with Paul Bauer
Let me know your thoughts on the show and what topic you would like me to discuss next.
In this episode of the Revolutionary Man podcast, host Alain Dumonceaux discusses the importance of embodying strength, purpose, and authenticity for building genuine attraction and maintaining fulfilling relationships. Special guest Paul Bauer, a certified master life coach and NLP practitioner, shares insights on reprogramming mindsets, redefining masculine presence, and mastering the dynamics of connection. Listen as Paul recounts his personal journey through unfulfilling relationships and offers practical strategies for men to take control of their lives and transform their relationships. Key topics include handling emotional control, setting boundaries, and overcoming the 'nice guy' syndrome.
Key Moments In This Episode:
06:32 The Turning Point: Divorce and Self-Improvement
09:32 The Power of Men's Groups and Self-Help Books
12:04 Understanding Masculine Presence and Emotional Control
19:06 Exploring Red Pill Ideology
22:42 The Myth of the Dead Bedroom
24:17 The Burden of Performance
29:29 The Role of Alpha and Beta Traits
32:48 The Betaization Process
35:09 Taking Responsibility and Setting Boundaries
38:10 Effective Communication Strategies
How To Reach Paul:
Website: https://www.fixdeadbedrooms.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/comeonmanpodcast
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/comeonmanpodcast/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/comeonmanpodcast
Thanks for listening to the Revolutionary Man Podcast. If you want more information about our programs, use the links below to check us out. It could be the step that changes your life.
Want to be a guest on The Revolutionary Man Podcast? Send Alain Dumonceaux a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/revolutionarymanpodcast
👉To join our movement:
⛰The Integrity Challenge
Imagine being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling relationships, wondering why sparks fade, why communications feel hollow and why you're left questioning your confidence as a man. What if the problem isn't what you're saying but who you're being. True connection, attraction and leadership doesn't come from words. They come from embodying strength, purpose and authenticity. And in today's episode, we're going to explore how, reprogramming our mindset, rebuilding our masculine presence and the mastering the art of maintaining genuine attraction in relationships. And so together we're going to unpack a lot of practical strategies and elevate your confidence so your relationships and your life are far better. And before we get into today's topic, let's also talk a moment about one thing that needs to change in your life, and we all know what that is, and that is being true to ourselves.
Speaker 1:In a world that is constantly pulling us in different directions, the pressure to provide and perform and persevere can leave us feeling disconnected, like we're drifting further from the man we intended to be. So if you felt stuck or frustrated or unsure of how to bridge that gap between the life that you have and the life that you want, let me introduce you to Living With Integrity. This is more than just a program. It's a roadmap of transformation. You're going to learn how to align your actions with your values, rebuild meaningful connections, create a legacy that truly matters. So if you're ready to take control of your life with purpose and become the man your family, community and future need you to be, I'm going to challenge you to start today. Go to memberstheawakenmannet and begin your journey by taking our free integrity challenge, because the only thing standing between you and the life you're capable of is decision. To take that first step, and with that, let's get on with today's episode.
Speaker 2:The average man today is sleepwalking through life, many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs and values that no longer serve him. It's time to align yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man.
Speaker 1:Stay strong, my brother. Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast. I'm the founder of the Awakened man Movement and your host, alan DeMonso. So are you leading your relationships with confidence and purpose, or are self-doubt and old patterns holding you back from becoming the man you're meant to be? And how much of your relationship struggles stem from focusing on communication, when the real issue lines with the lack of attraction and your masculine leadership?
Speaker 1:Attraction and leadership and confidence are the cornerstones of fulfilling relationships and a purpose-driven life. By shifting our mindset and embracing our masculine presence, we can break free from self-doubt and step boldly into our full potential. And today, my guest is going to help us do just that. So allow me to introduce him. Paul Bauer is a certified Master Life Coach and NLP practitioner with a specialty in helping men transform their relationships and reignite passion in their marriages. Paul has a wealth of experience guiding men to understand the psychology of attraction and the keys to reclaiming their masculine confidence and, with proven techniques, to overcome self-limiting beliefs, rebuild self-assurance and master the dynamics of connection. Paul's expertise empowers men to take control of their romantic lives and truly get better with women. Welcome to the show, paul. How are things, my friend?
Speaker 3:Things are good, Alan. Thank you so much for having me on today. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thanks for reaching out. I really appreciate and admire the work that you're doing, and so I'm really looking forward to our conversation today and here at the Revolutionary man Podcast. We always want to talk with our guests about their hero's quest or their journey, and so we're going to start with that and ask you about that. Tell us about that time of that death and rebirth moment, and how that experience shaped you into the man you are today and the work that you're doing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I like to call that my Batman origin story. Yeah, so it all started. If you go back to when I was in high school, I grew up in rural Colorado. If you go back to when I was in high school, I grew up in rural Colorado. I was always a little bit of a ladies' man, but I was the kind of guy that was always sniper dating. I was always like one girl at a time. Every girl that was somewhat nice to me I would go left for the Navy when I was 18, served in the US military, and then, two years into my enlistment, I went home on leave and I met my now ex-wife, and the thing was is I went home on leave, I was living in California and she was living here in Colorado, and I met her, and we basically had this long distance relationship for about a year before I convinced her to move out with me in San Diego, and so we only actually knew each other in person about three months before we eloped Alan Can you imagine what a bad idea that is and so I wasn't even old enough to drink alcohol yet.
Speaker 3:I was 20 years old when I got married, and so, luckily though, we eloped and things did work out for a while and we have two wonderful kids and we stayed married for 14 years. But I got to tell you, man, the last half of that marriage was miserable for me. It was. I hated being around her. I would stay late at work. I'd work like 17 hour days just so I wouldn't have to go home, alan, because I knew that if I, when I came home, I was going to get an earful, and so I was like you know what? It's better to just stay at work and just be a provider and put food on the table. Then I don't have to hear about it when I get home. There was times where I didn't even want to go to bed with her at night. I would go in the garage and grab a cot and go sleep in my office. I just it was absolute misery, but I was the kind of guy who I would have never quit because I made vows. This is what you do. You're supposed to be miserable, and I always point to my parents because they're still together, but they're absolutely miserable together. But I thought I had this paradigm. That's just the way life was supposed to be. You get married, everything's hot and heavy in the beginning. You pop out a couple of kids and then everything just goes downhill after that and you're basically Al Bundy. Thank God my now ex-wife had the strength to file for divorce. This was back in 2014. She filed for divorce.
Speaker 3:I was 50 pounds overweight, which I think very much led to the end of that relationship, because I just wasn't being the attractive guy. I thought I'd reached some kind of mythical finish line. And so I find myself back on the dating circuit after 15 years of being out of practice, just floundering around overweight, not being good with women, just waiting for a written invitation to go in for a kiss or anything because of the whole Me Too movement stuff, and I just sucked with women and then by 11 months went by and luckily some I lovingly say this a chubby chaser took pity on me and I ended up in another relationship because it was the same pattern. It's like I went all in on the first girl. That's nice to me. I get in this relationship, I immediately go into husband mode, where I think I reached a mythical finish line, and I immediately started the bad patterns that I was doing near the end of my marriage and luckily this relationship only lasted four and a half years.
Speaker 3:But two years into this relationship, that girl mentally checked out and she started lining up her male orbiters and guys she was working with and all of a sudden, after four years, she starts hey, I'm busy, I don't want to, I don't want to see you, I don't want you to come down to my house anymore. And I'm like what's going on? And the last time I went down there, all my stuff that I would keep at her house she had hidden away. I had a dog bed for my dog. She hid that in her closet somewhere. My toothbrush was in one of her drawers and I was like what's going on? Like why are you putting my stuff away? Oh, I was just tidying up or whatever. She was cheating on me at the end and she had started pushing me away so much that I finally just was like I can't be in a relationship like this. So I ended up breaking up with her and then found out about the cheating stuff later.
Speaker 3:But now I'm back on the dating circuit again. The good thing is that woman really got me into fitness and I started running. I lost all the weight. So this time was 2019. I'm back on the dating circuit. I'm way lighter, I'm looking better, I'm able to get dates and I'm hooking up with girls, but I can't keep them around longer than two dates. And I'm like what am I doing wrong here? Man, like the two biggest relationships I had in my life failed. I can't keep women around longer than two dates. I'm clearly the problem here. I'm the common denominator, and so another blessing with that four and a half year relationship was that she was really big into audio books, and so I was like you know what? I bet you there's audio books I could start listening to where I can figure this out? And, man, I went on a deep dive and I started reading books like no More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover, how to Be a 3% man by Corey Wayne, atomic Attraction, christopher Campbell, the Rational Male, like you name it. I read it. Some of them I've read 25 times, 15 times or whatever, because one of the things I learned from Corey Wayne's book is that if you really want to master the information, you have to listen to it at least 10 to 15 times, because we only retain about 10% of the information that we listen to.
Speaker 3:And in that process, I found myself in a men's group, a free men's group on Facebook called the 3% man Group. We were all studying Corey Wayne's material. That group went away Somehow. The owner of the group got banned or something, and so that group, like mass, went away. There was thousands of people in that group. But out of that group I started my podcast, the Come On man podcast, and I originally was just interviewing other guys in the group.
Speaker 3:Just hey, man, how'd you find yourself in this space? And it's funny like everyone's story is the same. We all end up in the space because of a bad breakup. And then it's a small group of guys, though that really look at themselves Like what am I doing wrong? Most people like to point the finger at other people and they never learned their lesson. But no matter what relationship you're in, you're the common denominator, you, a lot of people. They'll find out that they end up dating the same person after one after the other it's just with a different face, because they never learned their lesson. All of us in that group were all. We were all trying to level up. And then now that group, I started interviewing other authors and people in the space and from there the podcast got bigger. I've written three books now, and I started coaching men a couple of years ago, so that it's been a hell of a journey, man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. What a great, what a great way to kick off today's episode is. Took a page where the notes here a couple of things that really popped out to me is when you talked about really about being that guy that I'm never going to quit, and then right away you tied that in with that's how I, that's what I saw from my parents do, and they had a miserable marriage, and so I'm out as I need to do the same thing, and how often in life, as as men do, we do that. We model that really critical relationship that we see and generally speak it's going to be our parents and so we make the same mistakes. And then a little later you talked about always attracting and being with the same type of person, and again, I think that's a testament to modeling right and what we see. We get comfortable in a certain style and then yet it irritates us after the fact because we haven't gone deep enough.
Speaker 1:And, to your point, many of us, many men, just would prefer to look at the external and look for that validation. And, depending on how quickly it came and sounds like for you as soon as you got the nod, then that was enough for you to jump in. You got the, the net, the nod then that was enough for you to jump in and many of us man I can. That just resonates. I was so shit scared in my first marriage. I married my high school sweetheart because I never thought that I would ever be this lucky and and while we have two children as well. It was a really a painful relationship from high school on but didn't have the confidence, and so I want to move into really talking about. Is when the intro I really talk a lot about your work and masculine presence and so what do you truly mean by that and how can we maintain that? And being more attractive.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's one of the things that I ended up learning one from, no, mr Nice Guy, but also mainly from Corey Wayne was that you'll find that when we're in relationships a lot of us we're in a relationship because we want to save a woman right, there's some derogatory terms for that term in there but we have the savior complex where we get with women that have lots of problems and we're like, oh, I can fix her or I'm going to be there for her, I'm going to be her knight in shining armor, and what tends to happen is we end up getting a lot of toxic relationships that we probably should have never been in to begin with when we do that sort of thing. And then, when we're doing that, a lot of it ends up being what Dr Glover calls a covert contract, where you're doing this stuff to be her savior, expecting something in return, like her validation and her appreciation of all this nice stuff you're doing, and you rarely get it. And when you don't get it, that builds resentment which causes relationships to start eroding. When you just have all this resentment with the person you're with, that just doesn't work out. But another big thing that I learned both from Dr Glover and from Corey Wayne was that men really do better in relationships when they set the tone and take the lead.
Speaker 3:You talked about confidence. Confidence is paramount, but a lot of guys aren't confident enough to make decisions in their relationship. That's another thing. You got to be decisive, you got to be assertive, you got to be able to set boundaries. You've got to have an element of emotional control. That is probably the hardest thing for men to have and believe it or not, because we all think that we're these rational beings and women are these emotional creatures. It's so. Many guys are controlled by their emotions.
Speaker 3:Your wife starts nitpicking at you. What's your first reaction? To blast back at her or to start explaining yourself or trying to rationalize why you do anything you're doing. All that kind of stuff puts you at a weaker position than her and you're not actually leading the relationship. But when you can have a little bit of emotional control and not take what she says so seriously, have a little bit of emotional control and not take what she says so seriously, not take it so personally, she actually trusts you more. Yes, because she's able to relax into her feminine. She realizes, oh man, my emotional storms aren't knocking this guy off center. There's something about this guy. He's strong, right, that's strength, that's emotional strength and women gravitate towards that, and so once a guy can learn that man, it's just a really powerful element in a healthy relationship that a lot of guys just have never been taught how to do.
Speaker 1:Oh, I completely agree with that, and I think, because we lack this emotional control and I think you know, for me that's probably the biggest stumbling block or hurdle that we have to overcome. And I tie emotional control into these five levels of intimacy, and what I mean by that is how comfortable we are in sharing where we're at with something. And most guys would rather be, would rather protect themselves and not really get too deep in it, because, let's face it, who's going to receive the most amount of rejection in their life? It's going to be women or is it going to be men? And I would argue that men receive the most amount of rejection because we're always putting ourselves out there. And so when we get comfortable enough that we can withstand her strong emotion, then we can start to share where we're at with things. What do you think about what I'm saying there? Does that resonate with you?
Speaker 3:That does resonate, but it's interesting. It's not a very popular opinion. I come from the Red Pill space. Red Pill gets a lot of bad rap. We got bad actors in the space, like Andrew Tate and stuff, but there's some good guys in the space and really a lot of people think that Red Pill is about hating women. It's not. It's really about men's sexual strategy and a positive male identity. That's really what it's all about, and one of the things that we say in the space is that women don't care about men's problems. They wait at the finish line and they date the winners. That's the polite way of saying it. So one thing that we will say in the space is not to be.
Speaker 3:What you're talking about is being vulnerable, right being vulnerable with your girl, and one of the things that we'll tell guys in the space is that being vulnerable can be a trap. It can be a trap because what you'll find is that there's a really great book out there called Practical Female Psychology, and they talk about what's called the baitization process, which I talk about in my latest book Get Her to F you again. But the baitization process is a five-step process, and the second part of the process is where women really want you to open up and be more vulnerable with them, and the thing is that women have this nasty tendency of taking your vulnerabilities and using it against you 100%. So what we will say to guys in the space is look, man, you're not a robot, you're not the stoic master avatar of a statue. Okay, you have emotions. You're going to have a bad day, right. I think a positive way of doing that, because you're going to find yourself opening up to your girl. You're going to have a bad day Today, just full disclosure. I had to put my dog down today, right? So it was a very bad day and my girl was with me.
Speaker 3:Obviously, it's an emotional experience, but when you are in a state like that, women still want to see your strength at the end of the day. So as long as you can be open with your girl and then put a positive spin on the end of that or what you're going to do about it, have an action plan to go with it, it's totally fine. Like women don't look at you like you're weak. They don't they actually respect you more. They're basically just emotionally vomiting their trauma on their girl and they have no action plan with it and your girl might feel sorry for you after a while, but after a while it's going to wear on her and she's going to be like God. All you ever do is talk about how life sucks and no one wants to be around a negative person. So if you don't put that positive spin on it, yeah, she's going to use it against you. It's going to. It's going to come up later, but there's a there's positive ways of doing it and effective ways of doing it.
Speaker 1:I would say yeah, I completely agree, and I think for me, it's about teaching guys on how to.
Speaker 1:It's one thing to be vulnerable, but when I think about that, I think of it in the space of hey, if something's upsetting for you, you need that, you need to be able to share that, you need to be able to express that in a manner with that's the right amount of energy, the right amount of, with the right person at the right time. All those things play a part of it, but we haven't even learned how to do that we are. Usually it's either you're going to shut down completely and you fade away or you're exploding because you've been stuffing things and you haven't learned how to stand your ground and be in that space. And I think it's such an important skill, and all those guys you're talking about for sure you know exemplify how to do that. So you started touching a little bit on the red pill and you talk about how red pill praxology really helps reshape how men approach relationships. So for those of us that aren't clear on what that actually means, give us a bit of an idea and how it is that you're using it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I had the wrong idea of red pill myself In the beginning when I was first studying this stuff. I would hear about this guy, rolo Tomasi, right, and he would have all these minions in various message boards just talking about like how you can never trust women and here's the nine iron rules of Tomasi and all this kind of nasty stuff and we're like, geez, this guy must hate women. And then the thing was is that I actually interviewed Rolo Tomasi. Are you familiar with Rolo by chance? Okay, great, yeah, cause every once in a while I go on shows and people are like never heard of this guy. I'm like, okay, fair enough. But Rolo, he started a panel show several years ago called Rule Zero. It's a Saturday show with a bunch of guys from the red pill space and he started the show and there was a guy on the show named Paul Benjamin. His YouTube channel is Apex Mindset, so shout out to Paul. I had Paul on my show and I wanted to talk to him about toxic red pill versus like healthy red pill or whatever. So we had the show about this. He basically broke it down very well about what people say in the space as a red pill trademark often isn't what actual red pill is about. And then after that I actually got to interview Rolo. Later on another guy in the space, ryan Stone, interviewed those guys. I eventually got invited onto the Rule Zero panel and so now I'm on the Rule Zero panel on Saturdays, but working with Rolo, working with Ryan, working with Paul.
Speaker 3:Those guys really taught me that the praxeology of Red Pill really started out as guys swapping notes, just like I was doing in that Facebook group where me and these other guys were studying Corey Wayne stuff, going hey, we went on a date tonight. This worked. This didn't this. This thing worked, or whatever. And the thing was is that it really started out like in the early two thousands in pickup forms, like so swabcom, and. And then it evolved out of there because all the pickup artists were doing all these tech tactics and tricks on women that were very effective at getting women into bed. And so they're like why is this working?
Speaker 3:And so these other guys came in with evolutionary psychology to try to answer why these certain things worked, and basically the red pill ended up being the study of essentially what women respond to. A lot of it's from pickup and from evolutionary psychology. And there's a guy, ross Jeffries, years ago, said it really well. He said that there's things that women say they want, things women think they want, and then there's things that women actually respond to. And I think that red pill is like the Chilton's manual of women. It's not good, it's not bad, it's not moral, like they take morals off the table. They're like this is what is and then do with it what you will.
Speaker 3:There's some people that take it. They get pissed off at women. They go MGTOW and black pill and they swear off women together. Then there's like this whole other subgroup of guys, the married red pill, that are married men who are in dead bedroom situations and they're like how do I get my wife to want to have sex with me again? Let's look at what makes women want to have sex. And so that's essentially what red pill is. It's men's sexual strategy.
Speaker 1:Oh, perfect, I just man, I haven't heard about Chilton's and since my dad was alive, he was a grease monkey. So, yeah, what a great, what a great metaphor. I'm going to steal that just so you know.
Speaker 3:I think Ryan Stone's the first guy to say that, so shout out to Ryan Stone for that one.
Speaker 1:That's fabulous. That's fabulous and it's absolutely true. Once we get married, we have this belief that once you're married, if you've been married for any length of time my wife and I celebrated 20 years this year that it's okay that the bedroom is dead because that was for the early days, but it's not okay. And so let's talk about A lot of marriage counseling and a lot of therapy around marriages and couples says we got to focus on communication, but you have a different perspective. That's really not what we need to work on, so let's talk a little bit about that, yeah, I will say this.
Speaker 3:Communication is important, but what it's mainly for is for conflict resolution. If your wife is not attracted to you, you can talk until you're blue in the face and she won't sleep with you. She'll have every excuse under the sun. She will gaslight you into thinking that, yep, no, you just sex dwindles after you've been married 20 years. That's normal, honey, and that's not. It's not normal. There's and the reason why I know this. I was having a conversation with this guy the other day and we both are guys that have been through the divorce process later in life, and so we know what the dating circuit's like. There's women, when you get out in the dating circuit, that are recently divorced. They haven't been having sex with their husbands in 10 years because they weren't attracted to them. Now that they're on the dating circuit, they are having sex like jackrabbits again. It's not about. It's not about oh no, it's just fades over time. It's like the attraction fades, if you let it. So that's why I say communication's not the key to that. The key is genuine desire. And how do you get that back?
Speaker 3:As a man, as the leader in the relationship, you have a burden of performance. There's this thing called Breifolt's Law and what Breifolt's Law basically said. I can't remember the guy's first name, but Breifold. He was a sociologist in the 1800s and he basically came up with this law that said it's the female, not the male, that determines whether a relationship is going to take place. If she doesn't find any value in being with you, no, there's not going to be a relationship. That means that, as a man, if you want a relationship to succeed, the burden of performance is on you, which sucks. But I like to look at things like it's a challenge. Right, embrace the suck. I'm a former military guy, so that means what does that mean for guys? That means that you can never relax. You always got to keep your head on a swivel. You've got to go to the gym. You got to maintain a relative level of attractiveness.
Speaker 3:We say in red pill be attractive, don't be unattractive. Don't be unattractive means your behavior, your mindset, your demeanor, your frame, your emotional control, all that kind of stuff. Don't act needy. And so if you can basically build your sexual market value back up to where it was in the beginning of the relationship, when she was sexually attracted to you, what tends to happen is women start seeing this transformation happen. They start testing you more. We call them frame checks or fitness tests, but they start testing you more.
Speaker 3:And that is actually the first part of the beta-citation process is women will test men, and all women test men, either consciously or subconsciously. Some do it more than others, but they all do it. And so once you learn how to be able to handle those tests, that immediately puts you back at the beginning of the beta-sensation process. And when you start passing those tests more and you're working on your attractiveness, now she's starting to believe that you are the strong, capable man that she originally got with and now she can start relaxing into her feminine a little bit. And now she starts seeing you as her best hypergamous option again. And when she sees that, that's when the sex starts happening again, because she's now oh man, this guy's the best guy ever. I better have sex with him or I'm going to lose him. I see all these other girls when he's going to Starbucks. They're laughing at his dumb jokes, they're making eyes at him and stuff like that. I better keep him around.
Speaker 1:So it's a funny process we refer to it as dread in Red Pill because it sounds bad, but it's really effective. It's dread. Yeah, many of us married guys. Guys need to learn that that's for damn sure, because we get complacent. Yeah, we get complacent and we just think that that's, we're married and that's just the way life is.
Speaker 1:And we, when we become complacent, the problem with that is that it it seeps into lots of other aspects of our lives and then the next thing, you know, we do have complete disconnection and it is one of those. And then it is in a marriage like my first. First one was where we both wanted out and it was a matter of who was going to draw first blood and that would ultimately end up by happening. And we talked about in the intro there, about giving them some strategies and some tips, and so not to divulge the entire program. But if someone was in a position where, like we're talking about and they're struggling, what would be a habit or maybe a piece of a daily ritual that you would coach them to start looking at?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm fine with giving a lot away, like I'm all about massive value, because I find that I can talk. I can tell you the whole process here on the podcast today, and very few guys are going to be able to take it and run with it on their own. I did write a book about it, so it just came out in January called Get Her to F you Again and go get that book and it'll take you through the whole process, and it's a nominal investment it's 10 bucks on Kindle. But what I find is that there's probably about 3% of guys in our population that can take a book, read it 10 to 15 times and actually implement it themselves. There's lots of guys that can take the information, they can understand it, but they don't know how to actually apply it, and that's where a good coach comes in, and so that's what I help guys with.
Speaker 3:I have a guy that I'm working with now. He's been reading these books for two years and he was just spinning his wheels Just get. The connection with his wife was just growing farther and further apart, and finally he just pulled the trigger and signed up with my program. Cause he's like dude, I just don't know what I'm doing. And so then, as we're going through week by week, he's starting to see real changes. Most of my clients will see changes in week two, so I'll tell you this. So first week we will get together and we will do a relationship autopsy and basically look at what initially attracted your wife to you in the beginning. Right, and what guys will find is that in the beginning a lot of the times they were, they were dressing better, they were in shape, they were, they were happening, they had a good social circle, and so they had social proof. Their wife like thought they were fun guys and then slowly, over time, they really embraced the provider role.
Speaker 3:Most guys really go hard on the provider thing. They're like I'm going to work on my career, I'm going to work on making money, I'm going to put food on the table, which is all good stuff, it's all very admirable, they're good dads, great stuff. The problem is that's not sexually attractive to your wife. You playing with the kids is not really blowing her skirt up. Okay, that's what we call a beta trait. And so you have to start really working on the alpha traits. And so the second week this is one of the reasons why guys really start seeing results in the second week is I start showing them how to handle shit tests or fitness tests or whatever. And the funny thing is when you tell a guy, hey, you don't have to take your wife seriously when she says something to you. You can actually just make fun of her in the moment and the thing is that she might get mad at you in that moment but 30 minutes later she's gonna like that she couldn't get her way with you and she's gonna come and crawl on your lap.
Speaker 3:And most guys like I had one of my clients he came up to like on week three and he goes dude, I'm not in a dead bedroom anymore. I'm like that's awesome, dude. The problem is that a lot of guys when they get to that point they quit. They stop wanting to put in the work. They think they've reached the finish line again. You got to keep doing this. The work never stops. So that's like the first couple of weeks, but really what we're trying to do through the whole program is we're trying to work on your basically the core four.
Speaker 3:A good friend of mine in the space, john MLD from Modern Life Dating. He really simplified it To be optimal, a man needs to work on his muscles, money, game and frame. So we've and I already said, like being a provider, that's your money, that's the beta side of hypergamy. So you're you have to really work on your muscles, your game and your frame and those things are really going to optimize your alpha traits. And the alpha traits are really what gives women that buzz. Okay, and another a great book out there called the married man's sex life primer. He says that you can.
Speaker 3:A lot of people don't like the words alpha and beta, like I get it.
Speaker 3:There's some stupid wolf study out there but there are container words that are that you can really do. You can easily say, okay, traits that make your woman want to have sex, traits that don't Right, yeah, but alpha and beta is easier. Alpha traits really hit those dopamine receptors in your woman. It really gets, spikes her dopamine levels, it gets her excited about that kind of stuff. And and then beta traits really hit her oxytocin receptors. That gives her that comfort, love feeling. So yeah, you play with the kids makes her feel comfortable, it makes her feel oh, he's so cute and stuff like that, but it doesn't make her want to have sex. So it's really about the number one thing guys need to do is go hit the gym, start working on their physical fitness and you'll find that if you can build discipline around, that discipline in fitness falls into every other area of your life. You start making, you know more decisions quickly, you start becoming more assertive, you start becoming more confident. It's miraculous, when guys start hitting the gym, what it can do for them.
Speaker 1:Agreed. Yeah, I love that. I love the idea of really starting and focusing on that aspect of life, and it also gives us the quickest visual results. Right, you're going to start to see change, and I like how you're using the alpha and beta piece, because it absolutely is true. There is that balancing act where being good fathers doesn't necessarily make us attractive, and so being able to show up in the other, in another aspect of life, and I think that's where, because we haven't gone all in on being the provider and that we're working on that, that we tend to forget the other aspects of what really, before we were even a provider, these other things were playing a bigger role in the determining of the relationship. So it makes complete sense to me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the thing is that women do it to us, right? That's what we call the baitization process, and it's a subconscious process that women do to men. And I like to use the analogy of Beauty and the Beast, right? What is Beauty and the Beast about? She runs into this like woolly, untameable, like beast of a man that she's attracted to, and she spends the whole movie trying to civilize him, making him wear suits and go to tea parties and learn how to dance and how to comb his hair and stuff. And by the end of the movie she's turned him into this beta prince guy and you think that she's going to live happily ever after, but she's going to henpeck him until he wants to unalive himself after. But she's going to henpeck him until he wants to unalive himself because he's so tired of being nagged. And then he's going to work 17 hour days and then sleep on a cot in his office.
Speaker 3:So the thing is that guys have to understand that women are doing that, and it starts with the testing. It goes into the being more vulnerable. I already talked about how to handle the vulnerability stuff and so as long as you can basically stay ahead of that process, you never get fully into the beta phase. One of the things that they end up doing, too, is they want to put us to work right. And that's where and that's not necessarily a bad thing that's where you'll see, where they'll say behind every successful man there's a strong woman, like they're pushing them. Yeah, because she's trying to put you to work and make you a better man.
Speaker 3:Women actually will make us better men if we let them. They do push us to do better, and it's for our own benefit and, but mostly, it's for her benefit and the benefit of the kids. But we benefit from it too. So that's fine. It's just like you just have to always be understanding what's going on in the situation and be able to handle her tests fine, and you'll never fully get to where it ends up being her evolutionary selfishness phase and then where she wants to cheat on you or divorce you and stuff like that. Cause that you're trying to avoid the last two parts of the beta citation process and if you can stay in the first three, you're going to be fine. You're going to have a long, lasting, loving relationship with lots of mind-blowing sex. It'll be great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and I like the analogy of Beauty and the Beast, because it's exactly what ends up by happening. Now, that is totally a Disney story, and I'm not surprised that it turns out that way, because that's what we're all sold, that's what every rom-com is about. But the fact of the matter is, you're absolutely right we don't see the two-year, five-year, seven-year after result, and so what I also hear you saying throughout today's conversation is really about men starting to take responsibility, complete responsibility for where they are and who they are, as opposed to giving it up to my wife or my girlfriend or whoever, and allowing that to be the way that we get led by our nose, so to speak, and so it's important that we recognize where those boundaries are. We talked really briefly on being able to set boundaries, and I think that's a key element of it. There's just skills that guys need to look at developing, and I think we have some of those in our business life and, for whatever reason, we just don't bring it into our personal life.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you mentioned it too. You said the rom-coms. We are socially programmed to be a certain way, and a lot of it is. We're taught to be nice guys. We're taught to be nice guys from our dads. Tv says oh, women want nice guys.
Speaker 3:You'll find that women actually don't like nice guys. They might settle with a nice guy, probably because they spent their twenties having their fun with guys named Chad and Tyrone and stuff, but but then they settled down in their thirties with these nice guys and then they're unfulfilled and they're not happy in the relationship and it's, you know, it's just. It just doesn't work that way because they're not sexually attracted. So we have to unlearn that. We have to unlearn that nice guy paradigm, and what I will say about that is you can still be a good man, you just can't be a nice guy, which goes to what Dr Glover calls nice guy syndrome, which you're overly accommodating. You're a conflict avoidant.
Speaker 3:Most guys will tiptoe around their wife, walk on eggshells and do anything to avoid an argument, and they're trying to do everything to squash any type of tension in their relationship at all because they want to have their peace. The thing is that women need drama. Women need it If they don't have it, they'll create it, and so if you can control that chaos a little bit and give her the trauma she needs, she'll, you can be her dopamine dealer a little bit and you can actually have fun with it. And the thing is that was one of the things I learned from Dr Glover is women need this healthy emotional anticipation and tension I call it heat and they need that tension in the relationship for the attraction to even be there.
Speaker 3:And if you're going around squashing any little bit of tension, you're going to end up in a dead bedroom and go. Why won't my wife want to bang me anymore? It's because you're being too nice. Okay, set some boundaries. Tell her no, occasionally, don't take what she says so seriously. When she criticizes you for something, just make a joke out of it and play it off. There's lots of different ways to handle her and she will love you for it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely and she will love you for it. Yeah, absolutely Love that, Love that advice. You were mentioning a bunch of folks Dr Glover, Rolo a few folks that obviously have had an impact on your life, and so my next question for you is what's been the best piece of advice or maybe a profound piece of advice that has really served you even?
Speaker 3:to this day. Oh, man, I would say this. Going back to the communication thing, one of the biggest things I learned it was from Corey Wayne was that when women feel heard and understood, that's when the legs open. And so I talk about that. I talk about that in my Essential Skills of a Masculine Presence book and my Get Her to F you Again book. But there's this model, there's this model of communication called Luca listen, understand, clarity, action. And if men can master that and then avoid deering, which is defend, excuse, explain, rationalize. So I say in my book never dear, always Luca. If they, if a guy can master never dear, always Luca in a communication setting with his wife, they'll always come out on top. They will always win. And the thing is that a lot of guys they argue with their wives, they get in these like massive knockdown, drag out arguments because they want to be right. You know what I mean. Like they want to be right and it's do you want to be right or do you want to win?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:Okay, Because the way you win is not by being right. The way you win is by not taking what she says so seriously and then listen to her complaints, understand where she's coming from, repeat it back to her and then come up with an action plan. And sometimes the action plan is to just listen to her. So sometimes it's just oh, okay, yeah I can understand why you'd be upset by that and just listen to her, hear her out, and then, when she feels heard and understood, she just relaxes. Oh, I'm so glad you're such a good communicator, You're so understanding. Oh, I just feel so good and they just want to. Then they want to go to the bedroom. It's a magical thing, but the hardest part for guys is to get out of their own ego about everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, completely agree with that. What a great, great piece of advice. For sure you know, paul, of everything that we spoke about today, and maybe there was something we didn't get a chance to touch on what would be the one takeaway you'd want our audience to have?
Speaker 3:Oh, the one takeaway. Man, I would say this If you're a guy and you're listening, don't take your wife so seriously. That's the biggest takeaway from today's conversation. It's okay, it's okay to tell your wife no, and don't take her so seriously. I would say those are the two biggest things. I would walk away from this episode.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. Don't take her so seriously, absolutely, my friend. I just want to say thank you so much for spending time with us today and showing us the power of really we can learn how to embrace this dominant masculine presence. Then we're going to have more confidence, we're going to be more attractive and we're going to transform our relationships in and outside of the bedroom. So if guys are interested in getting a hold of you and participating in your work, what's the best way for them to do that?
Speaker 3:I would go to fixedeadbedroomscom. That's my blog. I write daily articles on there on different ways to help fix your dead bedroom. You can also find my books. I don't have a hard cover of my latest one that just came out, but this one will really help you with this. It's called the Essential Skills of a Masculine Presence Psychology Paradigm. I released it last summer. This whole thing is to help you rewire your subconscious. Rewire that subconscious paradigm, because if you don't know what a paradigm is, it's just a series of habits that we do without any conscious thought, and you'll find that most of your relationships you're just going through the motions. You just do what you have been taught your whole life, either through society or through your parents, and so you need to rewire that. Lots of affirmations and journaling and scripting and various things that you can do to help reprogram that subconscious and start developing habits of having more of a dominant masculine presence in your relationships. And if you can master that, you can master anything else.
Speaker 1:Makes sense to me. I want to make sure the link to the book is available in today's show notes, as well as wherever you're hiding on social media lots of places so guys can find you. I want to say once again, buddy, thank you so much for being on the show.
Speaker 3:No problem, and I'll say this too, if, once you've read the book, if you really want help, one-on-one help with that, you can book a free call with me. If you go to fixed dead bedroomscom, there's a link to book a call with you so much, thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary man podcast. Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the man you are destined to be? Join the brotherhood that is the Awakened man at theawakendmannet and start forging a new destiny today.
