The Five Components to Transform Your Relationships with Dr Mark Hicks

In this episode of the Revolutionary Man podcast, host Alain Dumonceaux explores the concept of love as a learned skill with Dr. Mark Hicks, an author, speaker, and relationship specialist. They delve into five crucial components of love: grief, emotion, practicality, acceptance, and passion, and discuss practical tools for building healthier relationships. 

Dr. Hicks also shares insights from his book, 'Learning Love,' and emphasizes that love is not just a feeling but a skill that can be mastered. Essential for anyone looking to move from merely surviving relationships to truly thriving in them.

 Key moments in this episode:

• 00:26 The Concept of Love as a Learned Skill 
• 04:19 Dr. Mark Hicks' Personal Journey
• 08:51 The Five Components of Love
• 19:41 Overcoming Toxic Relationships
• 21:01 A Story of Long-Term Bitterness
• 22:16 Building Trust in Relationships
• 25:06 Applying Love in the Workplace
• 28:34 Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
• 34:31 Best Advice Ever Received
• 36:16 Love is a Learned Skillset

How to Reach Mark:

Website: https://www.markahicks.com/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61560463719338

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-mark-a-hicks-359778169/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@markahicksvideo

Book: Learning Love: Building a Life that Matters and Healthy Relationships

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Love as a Learned Skill
• 6:16 Dr. Mark Hicks' Personal Journey
• 9:20 The Five Components of Love
• 17:43 Trust and Building Relationships
• 25:53 Forgiveness and Setting Boundaries
• 32:36 From Good to Great Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So let's just imagine navigating our relationships without a roadmap. You know, we're unsure of how to build trust, to navigate forgiveness or even the deep emotional connections, and for many of us, this concept of love feels more like a mystery than it is a skill that we can master. And whether it's marriage or family or friendships, or even at work, relationships are the things that shape our lives, and yet so often we struggle to make them thrive. But what if love wasn't just a feeling but a learned skill, one that anyone can practice and can master? And so in today's episode, we're going to explore five components of love and cover practical tools for building healthy relationships. We're going to learn how to move from surviving relationships to creating one that's truly thrive.

Speaker 1: 0:46

And before we get into today's topic, let's just take a moment and talk about something else that could change your life as well, and we all know how hard it is for us to stay true to ourselves in a world that is constantly pulling us in different directions.

Speaker 1: 0:59

So the pressures for men here to provide and perform and persevere can lead us to feeling disconnected, like we're drifting further from the man that we want to be. And so if you've ever felt struck or frustrated and are unsure of how to bridge the gap between life that you have and the life that you want, then let me introduce you to Living With Integrity. This is more than just a program. It's a roadmap of transformation. You're going to learn how to align your actions with your values, rebuild meaningful connections and create a legacy that truly matters. So, if you're ready to take control of your life with purpose, become the man your family, community and future needs you to be. I'm going to challenge you to get started today. Go to our membership site, membersthewakenmannet and begin your journey today by taking our integrity challenge, Because the only thing standing between you and your life you're capable of is the decision to take that first step. And with that, let's go on with today's episode.

Speaker 2: 1:56

The average man today is sleepwalking through life, many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs and values that no longer serve him. It's time to rely on yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man. Stay strong, my brother. Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast.

Speaker 1: 2:23

strong, my brother, welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man podcast. I'm the founder of the Awakened man Movement and your host, alan DeMonso. Before we get started, let me ask you a couple of questions. How might your life change if you approach love and relationships as skills to be learned rather than practiced and relying on feelings just alone? And what role does trust, forgiveness and self-awareness play in creating fulfilling relationships that you want and you deserve? Building healthy relationships is not just about luck or circumstance. It's about understanding, effort and learning, and today we're going to uncover how love can be taught, practiced and even mastered. Yes, men, we're going to uncover how love can be taught, practiced and even mastered. Yes, man, we're going to learn to master this thing, transforming every area of our lives. And so to do that, I'm going to introduce. Allow me to introduce my guest today.

Speaker 1: 3:14

Dr Mark Hicks is an author, a ghostwriter, speaker, counselor and relationship specialist. His passion lies in unraveling the mysteries of love and relationships, digging deep into what makes them tick, and Mark firmly believes that the healthy relationships are the cornerstone of fulfilling life and career, and he loves sharing his insights. That changes lives, and that's why Mark has poured his heart and soul into his book Learning Love, building a Life that Matters, and Healthy Relationships that Last. And in learning love, he teaches the five components of love that anyone can learn from practice to build healthy, happy, thriving relationships, regardless of their relationship experiences so far. That's a really big thing for me, I think. And so in a world that's way too often there's grip by loneliness, dysfunction and trauma, especially as we get older gentlemen, mark offers hope and guidance for us to help find deeper connections. Welcome to the show, mark. I'm looking so much forward to this conversation. How are things?

Speaker 3: 4:12

Great. Looking forward to speaking with you today. Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1: 4:16

Yeah, it's been a bit to try to get us here coordinated and get onto this show, and I'm really glad that we're here today because this is such a deep topic for us to discuss. But before we truly dive into the topic, I'd like to have to talk a little bit more about your story, and so here on the Revolutionary man podcast, we all know that we're all on our own heroes quest or our own heroes journey, so tell us about that moment in your life, that death and rebirth moment, and how that experience shaped you into the man you are today and the work that you're doing.

Speaker 3: 4:46

It really started when I was a young man. I didn't always know what I know now. My book is based on my career as a counselor. I also come from a spiritual background and so from both spirituality and from psychology I write my book about love and relationships. I write my book about love and relationships, but it also has a beginning in my own personal story, because when I was young I ended up in a toxic first marriage. It ended in divorce.

Speaker 3: 5:15

I still have the emotional scars for that one and even though I had been raised in a healthy, happy family, I had parents that stayed married until my father passed away a few years ago. They had a great life together. I was treated very well as a child. I had what everyone hopes to have as a childhood and yet as I got into my adult years I still didn't know what it took to be safe and healthy and happy within relationships and ended up in this toxic first marriage and from that I began to ask a lot of questions Didn't fully realize it at the time, but it stirred in my soul of is love even possible? Is it just something that happens to a lucky few people that happen to stumble into it? Is it something that can really be built and learned and developed? How would we go about that, if that's even possible? And from those questions and from my background in psychology and counseling, from my background in spirituality, I came to this place of understanding that, yes, it is a learned skill set.

Speaker 3: 6:21

We can actually learn it, and not only can we, but we need to, because most people do learn love and relationships from their family, and that's usually a terrible source In the best case scenario, as mine was. Things work a certain way in your family and it works for your family, but you get out into the world and you don't often know how things really work. They just worked in your family and it works for your family, but you get out to the world and you don't often know how things really work. They just worked in your family and every family has its own brand of weird and quirky and odd, and that's okay. But it doesn't necessarily work in all our relationships and that's best case scenario.

Speaker 3: 6:58

From there, you have dysfunctional families, you have toxic, you have even abusive families, and how are people like that, growing up in those kinds of environments, supposed to learn what love is and how to live it? And so it can't just be this random thing that we learned somewhat from our family. It needs to be a learned skill set, and it is, and that's what I teach in my book. I teach the five components of love. Anybody can learn and practice these five components to build the healthy, happy relationships they want in every area to thrive at home. And this is not just about marriage although it is about marriage and romantic relationships but it's also about family, friendships, work relationships, loving what you do for a living, partnering with your co-workers to accomplish that. Every area of life is affected by love and relationships that is so true, mark.

Speaker 1: 7:52

That's so true, and what a great way to start our conversation today, because it would. It wouldn't have surprised me if you would have told the story of a dysfunctional family that you learned, that you were learning your love skills from and trying to build a relationship. But that's not the case. And so for many of us, we've really, I think, we've shattered that first myth of what we may think that hey, if I've come from a family, the situation that it wasn't perfect, maybe it was single parent, maybe not even, but it was just a dysfunctional family, then it's typical. That's the reason why my relationships tend to suffer as an adult.

Speaker 1: 8:24

But that's not the case. You still had good models, role models in front of you, and I love the point that you make. Because it worked with your family doesn't necessarily mean that it works in other relationships, and that's a great piece of wisdom. So thank you for bringing that forward and having us really understand that we do. It is a learned skill. We have to learn that partner, that relationship, whether it's in marriage or family or wives or another relationship. They have their own sets of experience. And so, after I had been married for as well the first time and married my high school sweetheart and that didn't last until we got into our both into our early 30s, and that fell apart, and I just think about the lessons I learned there. So this was your, really your catapult sounds that got you to start writing the book. And so let's talk a little bit more about your book, learning Love and these five components.

Speaker 3: 9:17

Yeah, I'd be happy to go through those the five components. The first one is grief, and that one surprises people. Usually, when we think about love, we think about bubblegum and butterflies, everything sweet and beautiful, and we get to that there is an element of that. Obviously we want love to be a beautiful thing, but no one gets through life without scars, as we've mentioned, even if you come from a healthy family, as I did. If you come from a healthy family, you don't really understand some of the downsides of life the manipulation, the toxicity. You're not prepared for those things and you get into that in life and you just don't know how to deal with it. If you came out of that, then maybe you don't have a model to go by from your childhood. But whatever your story is, you don't get through life without scars. Life is always going to bring its share of hardships. That is not being pessimistic. There's some great things about life, but everyone's going to go through hardships and when you do, you need your comeback story. What people tend to do is when we go through those hard times, we start putting up walls, we put up emotional barriers, we keep people at arm's length, we protect ourselves, thinking we don't want to get hurt again, and there's a certain logic to that. Obviously, the problem is we're building our own emotional prison. We are barricading ourselves away from the people that could be loving us and from the relationships that could be thriving. There's so many people that have a story of the time they were hurt in life, the time someone hurt them and in their soul they said I will never let someone hurt me like this again. And that becomes a mantra for life, even without thinking about it again, even without knowing it, and we keep people pushed away. And then we wonder what's wrong with my relationships? I have good people in my life. I'm a good person. We're all trying here, but it's not quite working. Part of that is because we still have that hurt we've never dealt with. If you know how to grieve, you know how to keep your life, your heart, your mind open. You have that comeback story so you can stay connected, and that is a foundation for getting through the tough times of life and staying in those relationships. Now, when you can do that, you can move to the second component of love, and that's emotion. That is the bubblegum and butterflies. That's what we all love. We love it whenever we have that emotional connection, when we really feel like we are connected with people, when things at home really feel good, when we're at work and we're hitting on all cylinders and we're getting things done productively and we're enjoying the people we're working with. At the same time, when life is really working, it just feels good and we have those connections. That's what we want, that's what we're going for, and for some people those emotional connections become easy.

Speaker 3: 12:06

For some people they can be difficult, they can be a struggle, especially guys that are introverted, people that have been hurt and haven't learned how to grieve yet and are starting that process. It's a bit more difficult. And to those folks I say it's a practice. You don't have to be perfect at it. Just do it a little at a time. Learn to say things like I love you and if that's just too much because maybe love was a loaded word in a family you grew up with, maybe it was a manipulative word where you grew up and say things like I appreciate you, say thank you when somebody does something nice to you. Just start where you are. It's fine. You'll get better at it. Every other practice when you show a little bit of emotion, you show a little appreciation, you show a little love for someone, that can grow, that practice can grow and you grow into those emotional relationships.

Speaker 3: 12:57

The third component is a balancing component and that's practicality. Emotion brings us together. Practicality keeps us together. That's how we live well together. We make good decisions. We make the decisions and put into place the practices we need in our relationships to make them work. In a family, in a marriage or a partnership, that would be things like making good financial decisions, because money can tear a relationship apart if you don't make good financial decisions. Communication Communication is a learned skill set. You can learn how to communicate, learn how to do that. Things like mental health If you're dealing with depression and anxiety, that's going to take a toll on you. It's going to take a toll on your relationships and those are treatable conditions. That's why it's a practical matter, because there are treatments for these things to get better. There's a long list of ways we do decisions. We make ways that we live together in a practical way, so that we are not only connecting emotionally but we're living together. You might've heard someone say I love them but I just can't live with them. That's somebody who has connected emotionally. They got the second component of love down really well. They failed on the third component of love Practicality. That keeps us together, living together.

Speaker 3: 14:19

Well, now the fourth component is acceptance, and that's twofold. One is accepting others, because no one's going to be perfect. Now there's limits to that, because we never accept abuse. We were never put on this planet to be abused. No one should accept abuse. So there are limits, but within those limits we have to accept. Others are not, they're not going to be perfect. We have to come back from those hurts. That's why we have to learn how to grieve, because sometimes things aren't going to be perfect. But more importantly, it's about accepting ourselves. Brene Brown has done some great work on this. Other people have as well To understand.

Speaker 3: 14:57

Scientifically, psychologically, you cannot love other people more than you love yourself. It's impossible. That's the limit, because love is not a commodity like money. If you need more money, you can get a second job or take on a loan or borrow money from a friend or some other thing to get money. Love is organic. It has to be grown. You cannot give it away unless you grow it within you. You have to begin loving and accepting yourself, and this is one of the areas people really struggle in love is they may love their partner very much, but they don't love themselves. And then they wonder why is this not working? It's because you can't love your partner unless you love yourself. You may have feelings for them, but you can't really love them. You have to begin loving yourself. And finally, there's passion.

Speaker 3: 15:49

The fifth component of love is passion, and this is a passion for life. This is enjoying life together as a couple, enjoying your job, enjoying your friends, learning to have fun. Fun is not an option, it is a requirement for healthy, thriving relationships. And sometimes we get into the grind.

Speaker 3: 16:10

We've come through the grief of life, we've connected emotionally, we're doing all the practical stuff, we're checking it off the list to make sure we live together well, doing everything right, and we're even loving ourselves as we love our partner. But then something's missing. We've forgotten to have a passion for life. Why are we doing all this? Why are we going through all these other steps? It's in order to truly enjoy our life together with our friends, with our coworkers, love what we do and love our partner, our wife, in order to really thrive in life. Now, I know that's very quick going through those, but if you practice those five things, you grieve the tough times of life, you connect emotionally, you live well together in a practical way, you love yourself first so that you have the capacity to love other people and you remember to have fun and have a passion for life. You can build healthy relationships in every area of your life.

Speaker 1: 17:05

Excuse me, that is so powerful. Mark, and I was listening to you go through the five components and I have to say, for a great part of even this, the second, my second marriage, and we've been together just over 20 years. We celebrated our 20th anniversary here this past October. But I was that guy who was wounded from my first and I hadn't opened up and it did cause problems in our relationship. And so when you were saying that I was going, man, like absolutely the emotional disconnection was there because I was still protecting myself. I can remember, as bad as this is going to sound, saying to my wife, Kimmy, that I can never give you a hundred percent of myself. I have to protect, I have to keep a little bit. I sit there and say and listening to you talk about this today and go, man, that's not the way to be. It's to just to give all of it, not to lose myself, but to be open all of it. And so when you were talked about that and then you talked, I really liked how you made the distinction emotions, what brings us together and it's the practicality that keeps it together, and just being able to do things so that we can have fun and we can live and do things.

Speaker 1: 18:13

Because why are we doing all this work? And I think for guys, we tend to get wrapped up into, as long as I can, put a roof over my head and food on the table and taking care of things around the house. Maybe we forget that we need to have fun and plan that vacation or plan that weekend to go do something, but to be involved and engaged in our life, and so I think that's what you're really asking us to do is really lean into our relationships, and I so appreciate that. Thank you so much.

Speaker 3: 18:40

And what you've done right there is. Exactly what I hope people will do with my book is learn those five components, and a lot of times we're doing two or three of them just fine, especially if we came from a healthy family but then we'll think what exactly is missing. This is a way to conceptualize what love actually is, to break it down to its five components. It's not a million moving pieces, it's not a mystery. It is all boiled down to these five components that we can look at and say this one I've got, I'm doing this one. Maybe it's by accident, maybe it's because I was raised in a family that taught me this part, maybe somehow I just learned it, but this was the one I'm missing. Or these two are the ones we need to work on, and it gives us a way to conceptualize, not just wondering how to fix things, but knowing what exactly we need to work on. And, of course, in my book I talk about some how-tos and some ways to address each one of those components if you're struggling with it.

Speaker 1: 19:37

Absolutely, and that's a perfect reason why I need to get out there and get that book and really start to implement some of this stuff, because I would totally agree with you. We talked a little bit now coming out of relationships that are from our parents and our families, that maybe we're okay. But what about the person who's come from a dysfunctional or maybe an abusive background? How do they begin to heal themselves? Is it going right to step four and acceptance, or is it something more than that?

Speaker 3: 20:02

I think if you've come through a very difficult time, you've got to start with that grief. That's your comeback story. That is your way back to a place where you can really build those healthy relationships. And if you've come through a toxic relationship, you've come through an abusive relationship. Listen, get help for that. I know sometimes there's a stigma with counseling and, with all due respect, that's just wrong. It is just wrong. We go to a doctor if we have a physical injury. We go to a dentist for our teeth. We go to a mechanic. If our car is not running well, we'll call a plumber. We'll call a lawyer. I can list dozens of professionals that we work with all the time to meet our needs and to make our life better. Why would we not get help for our mental and emotional struggles and for our relationships, when that's what's going to make us happy, that's what's going to build our life, that's what's going to fulfill our life, is the relationships we have at home and at work. And if we're going through a grief process, get help for that. If you've come through abuse, get help for that. There are counselors, coaches, therapists of all kinds. Find someone who can help you with that. Don't buy into this ridiculous stigma. Don't just try to pick yourself up by your bootstraps.

Speaker 3: 21:28

I worked with a lady one time and she was in her 70s. She came into a counseling program where I worked horribly depressed, a lot of issues going on. Long story short. We went through her story and all of her stuff can be traced back to a falling out she had with her sister. 50 years prior she had been married, she had kids. She had a terrible relationship with all of them.

Speaker 3: 21:55

She went to the local church. She was known to be the most bitter lady in that church. People always avoided her whole life. She was always bitter and angry at the whole world because she had a falling out with her sister and she thought if my sister betrays me, I can't trust anyone. So she attacked everyone in life for the rest of her life until her 70s when she completely broke down. Just think about what could have happened if she'd actually went through grief and gotten help for that Help that's actually available. Get help. Don't do that to yourself. If you had a physical injury, go to a doctor. When you have an emotional, mental injury like a horrible childhood abuse, toxic relationships, going through a divorce, get help for that, excuse me.

Speaker 1: 22:44

I love that commentary and it makes total sense to me and it leads into my next question is I? We talked about in the intro about how the importance of trust and billing and how to build trust in our relationships, and I think for some of us maybe we misunderstand the idea or the concept of trust, and so how can it be both earned and yet given in a relationship?

Speaker 3: 23:03

That's exactly what it is. It is earned and given at the same time. That's really important. It's not the trust, is not throwing open the doors of trust, because you're going to get hurt, and I hate to say this, but it's just true. People who are predators, people who are toxic, people who are narcissists, that are manipulative people they will see you coming if you are overly trusting, if you just throw the doors open and so you do have to go slow with trust. That's really what dating is all about.

Speaker 3: 23:40

In building relationships is building that trust, and you have to give it and earn it at the same time, because if you don't give a person an opportunity, there's no way you can earn it. If you watch them every second, even if they do everything right, then you can always come back with if I wasn't watching, what would they do? You have to find that out. You have to give enough trust for them to earn it, but not so much that you make yourself vulnerable at first. So it's this dance that we do. It's this dance back and forth of giving and earning that trust, giving a little more, earning that trust and listen, the complicated thing is we're both doing that for each other at the same time. It's not just one way. We have to do that with each other at the same time until that place that we can fully trust someone.

Speaker 3: 24:30

And that takes time and, especially if you've been hurt before, take your time, but don't take too long. There's a balance here. This is all a dance. This is all a balance of giving and earning, taking time, but not too much time. And again, if you're struggling with that and it is a struggle, get help for it. You're not going to go into a counselor and say I'm really having some struggles with trust after I've been hurt and hear a counselor say really I've never heard that one before. Every counselor has heard that because we've been through that. There's ways that we can help with that as a coach or a counselor in order to build that trust over time. But the key is it has to be earned and given and earned at the same time.

Speaker 1: 25:12

That makes complete sense to me and it truly is a dance because there is that. We need to test that. How much trust do I give? And I think, going in with the mindset of that that you're having, creating this space for trust to build and grow allows you an opportunity to both be still have some boundaries within it, but then growing and expanding, and that kind of leads me to thinking about. We've been talking lots about our personal relationships and within marriage and that, but a lot of those shifts. A little bit. We do, we, most of us, work right. We have to be in a work environment as well, and love looks differently in work. And so how would let's talk about the forgiveness aspect in a work relationship and why that's so challenging for many of us?

Speaker 3: 25:54

Yeah, and it is important to point out that the five components of love that I talked about earlier can apply to work relationships just as much at home. Because you think about work. Yeah, there's going to be down times. You're going to grieve through that Not the same as you would maybe for a personal family loss, but it's still a grief process. You're still going to have emotion about what you do for a living. It's still practical. You still have to trust yourself, love yourself, enjoy being the person you are in that workplace, and you still have to have fun. You still have to enjoy it. So all those things still apply to work. Not the same relationships, obviously, but the same components to build those relationships.

Speaker 3: 26:30

But when things do go wrong, when we are betrayed, there is a method to forgiveness, and it's really twofold. One is we need to make the commitment when we are forgiving someone and let me back up we need to forgive because if you don't, it's just going to eat you up, it's going to eat you alive. It's been said I'm not sure it's debated who said this, but there's an old saying that for unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, those kinds of things are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It just eats you up if you can't forgive. And so it's just a requirement for our own health, and our own mental health and physical health for that matter. And when you do what, forgiveness is a commitment to not seek revenge against that person in real life or in our imagination. And there's the tricky part it's really easy for some people I think most people to not seek revenge. They want to forgive, to not seek revenge in person. That doesn't mean are in reality, that doesn't mean that they don't experience consequences If they've done something illegal to you and they have to face the law. That's not revenge, that's just their own consequences. And so we don't rescue them from consequences. But we don't seek revenge. We don't intentionally go out to hurt them or injure them or damage them in some way, and we do that in real life. But we also make that same commitment in our imagination.

Speaker 3: 28:00

So many people will not seek revenge in real life, but they think about it and they ruminate on it and go over it of what I would do and what I would say and how I'd like to get this person Listen. Your brain can't really distinguish the two. Yes, your brain doesn't draw a huge distinction between punching that person in the face and imagining punching that person in the face over and over again, your brain can't really tell a huge difference. So the same toll it would take on you if you were to punch somebody in the face and then think that's not the kind of guy I want to be, that's not the kind of person I really am. If you're imagining it, your body's going to react the same way, your emotion is going to react the same way. That tense feeling is going to be the same way and it's going to have the same long-term effects. And so forgiveness is the choice. Does it mean we don't feel anger? Does it mean that we don't have emotions? But it does mean that we make a choice not to seek revenge, both in real life and our imagination. Then the second part is then we get them to make a choice of whether or not we continue your relationship with that person.

Speaker 3: 29:09

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. It just means we don't seek revenge. It means we don't seek revenge in reality or imagination. It doesn't mean that we restore that relationship. We might, and if that relationship is important and we want to restore that relationship, then we go back to grief again, going through the process that we've been hurt. We need to come back from that and we find ways to reconcile. If we choose to, we can reconcile with that person, but it is never required. If we go back to practicality one of the practical realities some relationships need to end. Boundaries are a real thing. They need to exist within relationships and within life, and boundaries means some people aren't going to be in our life. That's a practical reality and so it's a practical area of love.

Speaker 3: 29:57

Sometimes people are shocked when I say that because they think, as a relationship coach and a man who writes about love and relationships, I just think everything should always work out In theory. If everyone practiced the five components of love, yeah, absolutely it would work out. Not everybody's going to do that. Not everybody's going to be healthy enough in their own mind to practice these things and live this life. And so some people, sadly, as I've said before, are predators. They're toxic, they're abusive, and the best thing that could happen to an abuser is to run out of people to abuse Best thing you can do for them. And so, if you have been hurt by someone, make the choice Is this relationship restorable and do you want to? Are you willing to put the work in. If not, you make the choice not to seek revenge in your reality and in your imagination and you end that relationship, and that's a perfectly valid choice. Either way.

Speaker 1: 30:50

It's so interesting that we're talking about this right now, because my wife and I last night were looking to connect and so we had these questions, these generative questions, and one of the things that topics came up was talking about how we get upset that, how other people have hurt us and how we continue to carry that piece with us. And we were going back and forth and saying, does that make me a bad person? And my commentary was it's not. If you're going to, as long as you don't stay there, you know I'll have fleeting moments. I have a 45 minute commute between between what I do for a day job and between other things that I do, and so I'll listen to stuff and I thought would come through my mind and somebody that's wronged me, and then, and when I was like, okay, I'm gonna say this, I'm gonna say that to them, and then I catch myself and go how does that serve them and me?

Speaker 1: 31:39

And maybe the most loving thing to do is to not engage in that. And then, in the flip side of that, maybe the most loving thing is in different relationships you talked about setting boundaries is telling some person that they have overstepped it and that the relationship does have to end. And that is a loving piece, especially as a father of a son who is an addict. And so there's a struggle there for me at times to show him love and yet not be that person to enable everything. And so it is a dance with him, as we talked about earlier. It is a dance in these. It's not easy, because if it was easy then the world would have no problems.

Speaker 1: 32:16

But that's just not the way life is, and we need frameworks, simple frameworks like the one you've given us today, to help us do that. And so that leads me to this idea that we've been talking about. All about today is really about love and connection. So how, how do we move from what we would consider to have a I have a pretty good life to having a great life?

Speaker 3: 32:36

Yeah, it's very common to ask that question because sometimes we do get a lot of these right. If you're going from good to great, it's usually going to be that you're going from practicing three or four of these components to practicing five of them, to getting to a place where you've got all five. Clicking in your life Doesn't mean life is perfect, because it's always a practice Love and relationships are always a practice but it means that you've got all five components and you're working on all of them. When you think it's good, but it's not quite what I want it to be, it will always be because you're missing one of those components. It's not quite where. Maybe you're not completely missing it, Maybe it's just not where it needs to be, and a lot of time it's going to be grief that's holding you back, because you aren't able to open up, you aren't able to connect enough because of that past hurt you haven't grieved through that.

Speaker 3: 33:30

Or it's about self-love, because we try to love other people before we love ourself. We think somehow if we love other people and we get them to love us, that will validate us and then we'll love ourself. Sounds logical, but it doesn't work. We have to love ourself first, absolutely a psychological requirement you have to love yourself first and remember to have fun, because most people put love into that second category, just emotion, and yeah, that's one of them. We don't ignore that. That's a very important one, but it's not more important than the other four. We can't just rely on that emotion and so if we have a good relationship, you've probably got emotional connection, you've probably got some practicality going for yourself, you might even have some fun going in your life, but you might be missing some of these others like grief, hold you back or self-love. Identify what's missing and move to that great level and if you're struggling with that, as I said, get some help with that.

Speaker 1: 34:24

Love. That. That makes complete sense to me, for absolutely or you've been spending most of your career, most of your adult life sounds like counseling and leading others, and some would say that's offering advice and words of wisdom. So I have a different take on this next question for you, and that's you obviously must have had somebody or a book or something that has been an influence and made a difference in your life, and so my question for you is what has been the best piece of advice that you've been given that's still serving you today?

Speaker 3: 34:53

Oh, gosh, there's so many. Wow, that's going to be a tough one to pick. I think some of the best advice I ever heard was let it play out, because we sometimes get caught so much in the struggles of the moment that we don't just take time to look and see where we're headed and to make some good decisions. We get so wrapped up in this moment and this idea of let it play out, see how life is going and make decisions as you go. It takes a while sometimes to get where you want to go, and that's okay. Let it play out, work at it, make some decisions. Don't try to make everything good instantly, don't try to fix everything instantly. And I think that was great for me, because I am a guy that thinks I should get the answer and find the answer and put the answer in place, and that may be available.

Speaker 3: 35:45

As I said, I think the five components of love are the answer, and find the answer and put the answer in place, and that may be available. As I've said, I think the five components of love are the answer. Love is the answer and the five components are how to practice love. But let it play out, practice it, let it formulate in your life, develop in your life and develop in your relationships. I think if we take a break sometimes and don't try to fix everything instantly but take a longer view of letting things develop and putting a practice in place and seeing where that goes, I think that's helped me a lot and I think that would help a lot of people if we just took a breath and took our time.

Speaker 1: 36:21

Completely agree. Just let it play out. Sometimes we do. I'm not that guy as well. I just got to figure it all out and be on top of it and managing it and but not really allowing it to actually just flourish and grow and change, and so thank you so much for that advice, mark. Of everything that we spoke about today, maybe there was something we didn't get a chance to touch on, what would be a takeaway you'd like our listeners to have?

Speaker 3: 36:46

listeners to have. Well, the biggest takeaway and we did touch on it but I want people to know that love is a learned skill set, particularly if you have been through a divorce, if you've come through a dysfunctional family, if you've been through some sort of trauma, if you're questioning whether love really exists or can exist for you. It is a learned skill set. If we keep going back to that understanding it's not luck, it's not fate, it's not mystery. It is a learned skill set that we can put into place. I think that changes the whole game of life.

Speaker 1: 37:14

Love that, love that. Well, my friend, thank you so much for being on the show today and spending time with us and helping us learn how to transfer in love from just something that happens to learning it as a skill, so we can really build healthy relationships, thriving relationships, not just at home, but in our personal life, our work and all other parts of our lives. So if men are interested in getting a hold of you and participating in your work, what would be the best way for them to do that?

Speaker 3: 37:40

Go to my website. It's markahickscom. Make sure you get my middle initial in there, markahickscom. Make sure you get my middle initial in there, markahickscom. You can order my book. There's an easy link there to do that. You can get to my podcast, the Learning Love podcast. I have my own podcast where I talk about the lessons I teach in my book and also there is newsletter and there's a contact form. I do speaking engagements, workshops, coaching, so if I can be of help in some way, there's a contact form there. Let me know how I could be of service.

Speaker 1: 38:09

Absolutely, and Mark's book's coming out this June, so make sure that you have an opportunity to get it and get a hold of it. It's always going to be a fantastic book and I'll make sure that wherever Mark is on social media and his website, we're going to have those notes in today's episode. Once again, just want to say thank you so much, mark, for being on the show. Love the conversation.

Speaker 3: 38:28

Oh, my pleasure. I enjoyed it as well, thank you.

Speaker 2: 38:38

Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary man podcast. Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the man you are destined to be? Join the brotherhood that is the Awakened man at theawakendmannet and start forging a new destiny today.