STOP Letting Your Paycheck Control Your Life!

Have you ever felt like a powerful leader at work but completely powerless at home? This disconnect isn't just uncomfortable—it's undermining your influence in every aspect of life. Leadership doesn't end when you drop your keys on the counter; true masculine leadership begins within the four walls where you live.

The painful truth is that many men have reduced their family role to mere physical presence and financial provision. We believe showing up and paying bills equals leadership, but our families need so much more. They're watching how we handle pressure, communicate through conflict, and whether we're emotionally available or just occupying space on the couch while scrolling through our phones.

Today's episode dismantles common myths about power and control that sabotage your home leadership. Authentic authority isn't built through domination but through deeper connection. When you ask, "What do you need from me right now?" instead of defensively asserting your position, you transform family dynamics. Vulnerability becomes your strength, not your weakness—it's what builds the trust and intimacy your relationships desperately need.

The story of James, a high-performing executive who realized his success at work meant failure at home, illustrates this journey perfectly. His wake-up call came when overhearing his son say, "I don't think Dad likes being at home." Through intentional presence, consistent engagement, and emotional transparency, James rebuilt his family relationships without sacrificing his professional success.

Ready to become the leader your family deserves? Download our free Family Leadership Blueprint from the show notes and take our Integrity Challenge at memberstheawakenedman.net. Your family doesn't need a perfect man—they need one who's present, consistent, and committed to growth. The strongest leaders don't wait; they decide. Lead with integrity where it matters most.

Key Moments In This Episode:

00:17 The Importance of Leadership at Home

02:23 Common Myths About Presence and Leadership

04:17 Emotional and Spiritual Leadership

05:16 Creating Family Rituals and Mission Statements

12:19 The Role of Consistency in Building Trust

14:21 Modelling Behaviour and Building Family Culture

22:53 Practical Tips for Leading at Home

26:29 Recommended Resources and Conclusion

Free Resource: click here👉 Family Leadership Blueprint

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Revolutionary Man Podcast
• 0:17 The Importance of Leadership at Home
• 2:23 Common Myths About Presence and Leadership
• 4:17 Emotional and Spiritual Leadership
• 5:16 Creating Family Rituals and Mission Statements
• 12:19 The Role of Consistency in Building Trust
• 14:21 Modeling Behavior and Building Family Culture
• 22:53 Practical Tips for Leading at Home
• 26:29 Recommended Resources and Conclusion

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man podcast. It's a show where we challenge men to lead with integrity, to redefine success and to build legacies that matter. And I'm your host, alan DeMonso. And today we're going to dive into something that every man should truly master, and that's leadership, beginning at home.

Speaker 1: 0:18

So let me ask you, when was the last time that you felt like a leader at work but powerless at home? You felt like a leader at work but powerless at home, and how has ignoring your own household affected your relationships, your respect and maybe even your self-worth? You know, leadership isn't limited to the boardroom or the gym. It's forged in the silence of our living room, in the consistency of our morning routine and in the emotional safety that we can create in our families.

Speaker 1: 0:45

And so today we're going to unpack why failing at home can lead to costing you influence in every aspect of your life, and so we're going to dismantle a few common held myths about power and control, and I'm going to share some practical strategies to own your role, both as a provider and with present. And so if you're ready to build leadership that echoes beyond the office, then I want you to smash that like button, subscribe to the channel and then leave a comment answering this question when do you feel most silent in your home. Remember that when men like you engage, this message begins to grow and it strengthens a brotherhood we're trying to create here. So go ahead, do that right now, and with that, let's get on with today's episode.

Speaker 2: 1:33

The average man today is sleepwalking through life, many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs and values that no longer serve him. It's time to align yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man. Stay strong, my brother.

Speaker 1: 2:02

Okay, gentlemen, so we've set the stage. Leadership starts at home, and it starts with asking questions. Now it's time to break down the truth, the path forward and actions that we can build a steadfast influence, not just on the job, but especially in our living rooms. And so the first thing I'd like us to talk about today is that one of these most common traps that we find ourselves in is believing that being at home just means that we need to be physically present. And the fact is that when we finish work and we walk through the door and drop our keys, if we assume that our presence counts, then I think we're going to show up much differently, aren't we? But with our wife and our kids, they're not just tracking about where our body is, they're tuned into what our mind is like as we walk in that door, where our focus is and where's our heart as we enter our rooms. And so if you're sitting on the couch, maybe doom scrolling on your phone, or you're just relaxing watching tv while tuning everybody else out, then are you truly being present? That suggests that you're just relaxing watching TV while tuning everybody else out. Then are you truly being present? That suggests that you're probably not. And so leadership at home means being engaged, and that starts with being emotionally available for our families, and so commit, when you walk in the door, to put that device down for that first hour of the evening. This isn't going to be about being perfect, it's just about paying attention. And so maybe just sit down, look your partner in the eye, ask some real questions, listen to what they have to say, maybe respond with tell me a little bit more, keep the conversation going and see that's the presence that's going to do a lot more to rebuild connection and trust with us, long before the weekend comes as we plan our getaways from the everyday grind of life.

Speaker 1: 3:51

So the other thing I wanted for you to consider is that too many of us, we also cling to this outdated belief that our only job is to provide financially for our families, and maybe you don't necessarily see that consciously, but subconsciously might be showing up that way. And so while many of us have held this belief and we've seen it played out from past generation, today the world demands a lot more from us as husbands and fathers, doesn't it? And so leadership today also includes emotional leadership, spiritual leadership and truly modeling how we manage pressure, how we communicate especially, the more clear we can be, and this allows us then to truly live with integrity. So we got to be more than just a paycheck, gentlemen, because without that, if we're more than just a paycheck, then we create, then we're just going to create resentment. And so part of the challenge I know I faced in my first marriage was just being that paycheck. And so, while I know that my wife admired that I had to work at that kind of, I was going out and doing everything I had to. I wasn't leading at home, and so it didn't take long for that admiration to turn into emotional distance.

Speaker 1: 5:02

And so, with the kids, I still struggle to this day to continue to build and fortify the relationship with distance. And so, with the kids, I still struggle to this day to continue to build and fortify the relationship with them. And so let's remember that our absence is more important than just our income. And so start today, maybe start with building a ritual at home. So, whether that's leading up, maybe a five minute prayer at the dinner hour, maybe it's reading short passages and discussing it with your family, whatever you want to do, set some form of a ritual, and it's an opportunity for you to check in to see how everyone's week's going. If you continue to do this on a consistent basis, day after day, I think you're going to find that the man who initiates this type of connection, he's not just the man who's paying for dinner, but he's actually paying attention to everything that's going on in the family.

Speaker 1: 5:51

So the other thing I'd like us to also consider is that in today's day and age, it's not difficult for us to be in this delegation mode, just like we do in business, and so maybe we're putting too much trust on others to make some really important decisions. And so leadership at home is truly our job, gentlemen, because no one else or no one should take that away from us. And so if we start to rely on our wife, for example, to be the only one who makes the plans, organizes things, disciplines or just manages the emotional landscape of the family, then what kind of leadership role are we taking into place? And so true masculine leadership isn't going to be about dominance. It's going to be about direction. It's about anchoring our family and values and structure and love that's firm and yet compassionate. And so if your house feels like total chaos, disconnected, maybe even slightly fragile, then don't blame your job.

Speaker 1: 6:49

Instead, I'm going to challenge you to ask where have you abdicated your leadership? And so create a family mission statement. One of the things that we do here with our work, here with the Revolutionary man, is creating mission statements for our lives, and so I'm going to ask you to do that in your personal life, for your family. So sit down with your wife and your kids and answer a few questions what do we stand for? What kind of legacy are we building together? And then write it out, maybe even post it everywhere so it's visible, and maybe it has that part of your weekly routine where you revisit what that leadership has looked like. But it's going to start, have to start with you, and so I challenge you to start doing that work.

Speaker 1: 7:33

I love the work from Dwight Eisenhower, and he says a man does not lead by hitting people over the head. That's assault and it's not leadership, and so we need to pay attention to how we're showing up as husbands and fathers, and so the other thing I'd like to talk about what does authority look like without authority? And so how do we build this trust within our families? And so masculine authority, as I just said, is not going to be about dominance. It's going to be how we connect with our families, and so many of us confuse that. Control is what leadership is all about. But we can come to understand and believe that if we raise our voice and start making all the decisions so either we're not making any or we go in the other opposite direction and then we start making all the decisions then we're being the sole disciplinarian, aren't we? And does that earn a lot of respect in our household? I would suggest that it doesn't. So domination doesn't build any loyalty.

Speaker 1: 8:29

Obviously, if you think about in your life when you felt being dominated, whether that be at work or maybe in some other avenue what does it create? It's going to create fear, it's going to create distance and ultimately it's going to create rebellion, especially in these really close relationships father-son relationships, obviously, with our partners. And so true authority the kind that's magnetic, becomes respected really comes from us building and developing a deeper connection with our family, especially our children, and so it's about being that calm in the storm. So, whenever things hit in the fan, how are you showing up? Are you that rock that people can lean on? See, that's the kind of leadership that only truly emerges when our authority is anchored in emotional integrity and not in our ego, and so I'd like you to try this the next time that you find that you're in a conflict with your partner, or maybe even with your children.

Speaker 1: 9:27

Instead of defending and dictating, instead ask what do I need to do? What do I need most from here at this point? Another way to put it is what do you need most from me right now? See, this question then flips that dynamic, doesn't it? It tells them that you care more about the relationship than, though, being right. And when that authority is rooted in service versus domination, I think you're going to find the response you'll get will be much different. And so vulnerability does become a strength, and that's what vulnerability actually looks like. And so vulnerability does become a strength, and that's what vulnerability actually looks like Willingness to ask how it is, that you can show up for somebody else.

Speaker 1: 10:11

And so we've truly been fed this lie that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness, and we've talked about that in many other episodes. But when you can show a little bit of doubt, maybe admit a mistake and really open up emotionally, it's going to make others feel that you're real, there's more to you and guess what? You're not going to be less of a man. That's truly outdated, and this armor that some of us put on isn't really protecting us. It's actually isolating us from those that we care about the most, and so our family doesn't need this stoic statutes. That's what we think about. We think about someone being very stoic. What that's what we think about. Think about someone being very stoic. What they want, what they need from us, is somebody that's a real man, with the courage for us to be human, and vulnerability believe it or not, gentlemen truly is what builds intimacy. It's going to tell our wife that you can trust me with your heart because I trust you with mine. That might take a little while for us to get there, but it's worth the effort and it's worth the practice, and so what it does is it shows our kids that emotions are not enemies, but they're just signals. It's just signals that you know that I'm man, and I'm just going to show you and help model how you handle all the different types of emotions that show up in our life. Think about this If you take an opportunity to schedule, like, maybe, 15 minute check-in with your partner once a week, my wife and I do that on a bi-weekly basis, with date night.

Speaker 1: 11:36

It's an opportunity for us to check in, and then, once a week Sunday evenings, generally speaking is when we have our check-in we ask each other what's one thing that you appreciated about last week? Another thing you can do is just looking at if you're really struggling with something is asking on a scale of 1 to 10, where does our marriage sit, and if it's anything less than a 7, then ask what could we do different, what could I do differently, and both of you have an opportunity to share and talk about the things that needed to change for the week. It's an opportunity that really builds some emotional fluency in the relationship, and it gives opportunity to get past the superficial stuff and the stuff of the day-to-day lives raising kids, just keeping the household moving you get the opportunity to talk about something at a much deeper level, and so I'd also like us to consider that trust is going to be earned through consistency versus trying to control things, and so we can't demand trust. You can try. I think you're going to find out that you're not going to have it. We need to earn that trust, and so the way that we earn it at home is going to be being consistent and so being emotionally honest.

Speaker 1: 12:43

So leadership is in all aspects of life. When we can be emotionally honest, then we can start to build a foundation for trust. And so that means we need to show up the same way day in and day out, and being predictable in our love and really steady in who we are, in our discipline, and then very transparent as we speak, especially about the things that are going on in our minds. And so if our families and this happens at work too, but focusing on families today if our families never know which version of us is going to show up, then it's going to be very difficult for them. So that calm provider are we going to be the stressed out boss? And so that's when trust starts to erode, because they don't know which version of you is showing up.

Speaker 1: 13:30

And so real leadership is going to be built in the small daily acts of being consistent, and I know we know this through our business life and our professional life. But how well are we practicing this at home and so being able just to follow through and keeping our word, not over committing and then repairing things when we've made a mess, and so really, if you want to build a consistency anchor, then I ask you to just pick one behavior every day that communicates love and stability, and so maybe it's making coffee for your wife in the morning You're the one that gets up first, maybe making the coffee, or putting the kids to bed at night with the personal message, just something that shows some form of small ritual that allows you to build this emotional safety, and that's when this trust can truly start to grow and deepen for us. And so I want to also talk about this power on idea of modeling, because we can be that behavior and we already are the behavior that we're blueprinting to our children and our family. And so children and partners they just don't hear us. They're going to mirror exactly what we do, and leadership at home is not going to be about having the big, grand speeches. This is not every given Sunday. We're not standing in a locker room here to give some powerful speech. It's about truly how we're showing up every day and what is our behavior saying, and so our actions are always going to speak louder than our words. And so lectures giving to our kids and any type of promise that we make to our spouses, if we don't follow through, then they really lack any weight or significance for either of them. And so if we want to be consistent and figure things out, then we need to understand that constantly being stressed about work or being dismissive of our wife's concerns, or just exploding over some minor frustrations, cause a lot of dissent within the family, and then our kids are going to start to model that and how they interact with their siblings and with others. And so we need to be that emotional, grounded individual, somebody that shows up consistently, because that's how we can start to change what the new normal looks like in our homes.

Speaker 1: 15:43

And so do a weekly mirror check Now. Reflect on how you've handled the pressure on love and communication integrity over the last week, and then ask yourself if my son or daughter copied me today, would I be proud of that? That single question can really change how you're going to show up the next week. We consider about how they already are going to be modeling our behaviors. And so consistency ultimately, what's that going to do? It's going to build some culture, won't it? And so our culture at our home is happening, whether we define it or not, and so we can allow it to happen willy-nilly and on a free-for-all, or we can build a culture that is shaped from how we show up, consistent, and so how we're responding to stress, how we celebrate our wins and how we resolve conflicts. But most of us think that leadership at home is a moment, and in reality it's built through rhythm, through all these different aspects of life that happen for us, and so consistency is going to breed trust and expectation, and so when our family knows who we are and how we're going to show up, then they can start to relax, and so that's what true safety looks like, and that's really the soil where our home can truly build emotional intimacy, and that's where personal growth can thrive and so create maybe even a family ethos.

Speaker 1: 17:07

We use an ethos in our men's group. It's an opportunity to pick maybe two or three guiding principles that you want to model and reinforce. It could be honesty or discipline, or maybe kindness, but when you write them down you talk to everybody about them at dinner. It gives an opportunity for you to drive home the behaviors that you're looking for, and then you can be that leader. Everybody knows where we're coming from. It's an opportunity to really raise the level and the standard that the family is showing up, and so this is going to bring in some structure, and it doesn't have any really any control attached to it. It makes us that intentional leader versus just having things happen.

Speaker 1: 17:51

And so when we're at home, it's going to define who we are in the real world. So many of us are going to put our best energy into the boardroom. Let's face that right. We're out there, we're still ingrained in this idea of providing, and so we put a ton of energy in how we show up into the boardroom, how we're showing up in the gym, in any aspects of our business, but then we leave the family with just the scraps of the remaining pieces of who we are.

Speaker 1: 18:18

But if our home is truly our legacy, isn't that where we should have the most meaningful impact? And I think if we want to be a respected leader out in the real world, then we first must lead with honor in the place that matters most, and that's in our houses. And so if our wife sees the real us and our kids hear not just what we say, but they act in the way we're acting, then I think we have an opportunity to really build a potentially strong and grounded family. And so it's going to reveal what true integrity looks like for you. It's going to expose some blind spots that you might have. It's also going to challenge you to truly become the man that you're claiming to be, and what a better place than to do that through home. And so you can start by really treating your family like your most important team. Maybe it is scheduling team meetings where you get to ask for feedback about how am I doing as a dad or as a partner Again, an awesome opportunity to have different kinds of conversations in the household. And this isn't not only just modeling humility, but it also gives an opportunity for growth. Again, you're modeling an opportunity to see and show how you can change and develop as an individual.

Speaker 1: 19:37

Albert Schweitzer said, your example is not the main thing in influencing others, it's the only thing. I think that's a lot of wise words for us. So I have a little story I like to talk to you about, and his name is James and he was a high-level sales executive and he's in his early 40s. Give or take, and to the outside world he was truly the image of major success. He had the sharp suit, the luxury car, he was climbing that corporate ladder, but behind the closed doors of his home. It was a very different story, see, his wife had grown completely distant and his kids barely looked up when he walked into the room and he justified it all by saying I'm doing all of this for them. But deep down he knew that he was. That wasn't the entire story, and it took one evening for, after missing yet another family dinner, he overheard his son telling his son, telling his mom I don't think dad likes being at home and I got to tell you for James, that sentence just killed him.

Speaker 1: 20:37

That's the moment that truly stuck with James and it haunted him. He couldn't shake this ache in his chest, this idea and this look in his life, or I should say the look in his wife's face of how disappointed, disconnected, tired of carrying it all that she had. And at work he was the real, he was the leader that everyone would count on, but at home he had become a ghost, and always physically present, but emotionally James was just absent man, and he realized that he was outsourcing his identity to his job, abdicating his role where it counted the most. And the more he succeeded out there then, the more he failed within his own four walls. And so James decided it was time that he needed to truly look in the mirror and lead with integrity. He needed to start doing it right here at home, and so he committed to unplugging everything at dinner. He started listening without fixing. He started having weekly connection check-ins with his wife. He even picked one night a week to take each child out for a one-on-one time.

Speaker 1: 21:46

Slowly, the distance really started to close. Hannah's son started opening up again. His wife, she smiled a little bit more. He no longer came home in a cold and silence, but to a place that felt a lot more alive, with more energy. And so James then ultimately discovered what Discovered that true leadership isn't about commanding authority. It's about earning trust, showing up and being consistent where it matters most. And so I can tell you that today, james still crushes his at work, but he has a really renewed perspective about life. He no longer sacrifices his family at the altar of ambition. His home is no longer a source of guilt but his opportunity for a wall of strength. He says he has fewer yes, he has fewer meetings and much more moments, and he leads his family with clarity, calm and presence, and it shows in everything, from the way his daughter hugs him on the way that his team would follow him, and James just didn't reclaim his role. He truly redefined it.

Speaker 1: 22:53

And so I want to give you a few practical tips about why true leadership begins at home. And the first tip I'm going to give you is I've been talking about it so far throughout this episode is that we really need to schedule your presence. Why am I asking you to do that? Why schedule it? Because, just like in a business meeting, quality time at home really deserves intentional space in our calendar, doesn't it? Stephen Covey talked about that years ago in the habits six habits of highly or seven habits of highly successful people. We need to be intentional about scheduling our presence, but most of the time, what we end up by doing is just leaving it to chance and assuming that just being around is all we need to do. And so start right now. Block 30 minutes each evening as a non-negotiable for family time. That means turning off the phone, it means making eye contact with the people you're involved with and asking questions deeper than just how was your day Following up with. Tell me more about that.

Speaker 1: 23:56

Tip number two I want you to lead by listening. Listening builds the most trust, it builds connection and it's in built influence and it's a core leadership skill, and I know you know this because you do it well at work, but often we tend to neglect that at home. And so the next time that our partner, our child, shares something, just pause, just take a moment before responding and then ask do you want support or do you just want me to listen? It's an opportunity to move away from assumptions and dive a little deeper into our conversation. Next tip I'd like to offer you is apply the mission mindset to your family. As high performers, we excel when we have a clear mission, don't we? So why not apply the same mindset to your role as a husband and as a father? And when we do that, if we can write out a personal mission statement for our home, for example, I lead my family with strength and calm, and consistency sends a clear message to everybody in the home exactly about who you are, what you stand for, what your non-negotiables are, and I want you to practice emotional transparency.

Speaker 1: 25:09

See, being vulnerable is going to create connection. I know that sometimes that's a sticky word being vulnerable but it's a strength word. It doesn't make us weak. It's going to make us reliable and trustworthy, because that's what our family's looking for. And so share one struggle with your family from your day or maybe it's at the dinner table or what one struggle you've had for the week, and just watch how that opens the door for deeper conversations. It's an opportunity to build and to show that you can change and grow and learn, no matter what age we're at. And then the last tip I offer you is build a ritual of connection. Rituals are truly the consistency that builds anticipation, doesn't it? It strengthens family bonds, especially as we become much more consistent over time, and so maybe it's a weekly tradition, maybe it's something that you do on Sunday, maybe it's a breakfast before or after church, or maybe it's a Friday night movie night, but stick with it. It's consistency is what ultimately is going to build a legacy for you and the family.

Speaker 1: 26:20

There's a few tips that I have offered for you, but there's other resources and stuff work that resources that we've used here and in our work in our men's group, in our training programs, and one of my most favorite resources and go-to is King Warrior, magician Lover by Moore and Gillette, and it's a foundational book that really unpacks the four archetypes in mature masculinity and it gives us an opportunity to really understand what drives us from an inner perspective and how imbalance one area can truly sabotage our leadership at home and work alike, and so I love that book. It's a great opportunity for you to dive into it. I just mentioned Stephen Covey earlier the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families. He's got many versions. This one's about families. It's an opportunity for you to adapt what he does in the business world and apply that at home as well.

Speaker 1: 27:14

And the family leadership blueprint is something that I'm going to give to you free with this episode. It'll be in the show notes. It's an opportunity for you to define your family leadership mission, to set weekly outcomes, connection goals, to build new habits around presence and engagement, and again, it's a free resource we're going to offer you to give you an opportunity to learn and grow as a husband and as a father. And so, at the end of the day, leadership isn't going to be about title or position, is it? It's who we choose to be when no one's watching and I know that's very cliche, but it is so true. So that's going to start at home.

Speaker 1: 27:54

Gentlemen, if you can lead your family with love and strength and presence, you're going to be able to lead the world with true integrity, and so here's your challenge for today. I want you to pick one principle from this episode and apply it before the sun sets, whether it's leading by example, or speaking life into your partner and kids, or owning your responsibilities. Don't wait. Your family doesn't need a perfect man. They just need one that's present, and so if you're truly serious about becoming the man that your family needs, then I want you to take action now. Go to our membership site, memberstheawakenedmannet, and I have a free integrity challenge. It's your roadmap to becoming the leader you were born to be, at home and beyond, and so the strongest men don't wait, gentlemen. They decide. Lead with integrity, and let's get started now. And thank you so much, and I'll see you next time on the Revolutionary man Podcast.

Speaker 2: 29:00

Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary man podcast. Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the man you were destined to be? Join the brotherhood that is the Awakened man at theawakendmannet and start forging a new destiny today.