WARNING 7 Mistakes You're Making by Not Being Your AUTHENTIC Self

The weight of expectations has crushed the authentic spirit of countless men. We perform, achieve, and conform—wearing masks that grow heavier with each passing year—until we barely recognize the face in the mirror. What would it feel like to finally shed those expectations and reclaim your true self?

This transformative episode dives deep into the silent crisis facing modern men: the disconnect between who we truly are and who we've been told to be. Through powerful insights and vulnerable storytelling, we explore how the pressure to "man up," provide, and remain stoic creates an exhausting performance that leads to burnout, anxiety, and fractured relationships.

We challenge the dangerous assumption that achievement equals identity, revealing how society rewards men primarily for productivity rather than authentic presence. When your sense of self is built entirely on what you do rather than who you are, what happens when circumstances change? The answer often involves existential crisis and profound loss of direction.

The journey toward authenticity isn't about rebellion—it's about reclaiming oneself. Through Mark's powerful story of transformation, we witness how one executive stopped pretending and started living in alignment with his values, dramatically improving his marriage, leadership, and sense of self. This isn't about abandoning responsibility; it's about redefining it on your own terms.

Ready to break free from the prison of others' expectations? We offer five practical strategies to begin living authentically today: taking an identity inventory, practicing rather than performing, embracing discomfort as growth, finding truth-tellers, and auditing the "shoulds" that unconsciously run your life.

Take the first step toward becoming unapologetically you. Subscribe, leave a comment sharing what part of yourself you've been hiding, and join the movement of men who are choosing courage over conformity, authenticity over approval, and true masculine power over performance.

Key moments in this episode:

02:30 The Cost of Living by Expectations 

06:08 The Mask We Wear

07:18 Choosing Our True Identity

08:48 Achievement vs. Identity

13:30 The Fear of Judgment

17:19 Mark's Story: A Journey to Authenticity

20:50 Tips for Becoming a Revolutionary Man 

26:41 Conclusion and Call to Action 

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Authentic Masculinity
• 3:35 The Cost of Living by Expectations
• 8:56 Achievement vs. True Identity
• 13:29 Fear of Judgment and Authenticity
• 19:18 Mark's Journey to Self-Reclamation
• 22:45 Five Tips for Revolutionary Authenticity
• 27:26 Call to Action and Resources

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast. It's a show where we challenge men to redefine success, to lead with integrity and to create a lasting impact. I'm your host, alan DeMont, so today we're going to dive deep into a conversation that I think hits every man right at his core, and that's the courage to be ourself in a world full of expectations, in a world full of expectations. And so have you ever caught yourself asking am I living the life that I truly want, or just one that's expected of me? And what have I sacrificed emotionally, mentally and even spiritually just to be accepted, approved of or successful in the eyes of others?

Speaker 1: 0:41

If you're like me, most of us are wrestling silently with these questions, and it's from the moment that we were boys that we were taught how to behave, how to perform and who we're really supposed to be. And as husbands and fathers, we're praised for playing roles, but punished for showing up as raw, as real and for being honest. And so here's the cost when we abandon who we are for who we think we should be, then we don't just lose ourselves, but we lose our ability to lead to love and to live fully. So this disconnect starts to show up as burnout for us as we dive deep into our careers anxiety, disconnections from our wife, our children and even our own reflection in the mirror. But I got to tell you that there's another way, a way that doesn't require us to be rebellious, but it does ask us to reclaim who we are. And today we're going to unpack the myths that keep us being stuck, the expectations that sabotage our authenticity and the framework for stepping into your identity with clarity and with conviction.

Speaker 1: 1:47

And so if this topic resonates with you and if you've ever felt the tension between who you are and who the world expects you to be, then I want you to take action right now. Take a moment and hit that subscribe button and drop a comment telling me what part of yourself have you been keeping hidden or what expectations are you ready to let go of? And when men like you engage and we create this ripple effect, don't we? And so it tells the world that masculinity isn't about just pretending, it's about owning our truth. And so we don't just listen, we step into the movement. So be sure to hit the smash that like and subscribe button and let's keep this conversation going. With that, let's get on with today's episode.

Speaker 2: 2:34

The average man today is sleepwalking through life, many never reaching their true potential, let alone ever crossing the finish line to living a purposeful life. Yet the hunger still exists, albeit buried amidst his cluttered mind, misguided beliefs and values that no longer serve him. It's time to align yourself for greatness. It's time to become a revolutionary man. Stay strong, my brother.

Speaker 1: 3:03

Welcome back everyone to the show, my friends, friends again, my name is Alan DeMonts, I'm your host and the founder of the Revolutionary man Movement. We challenge men to reclaim our purpose, to rise with integrity and to live a life that truly matters. And before the break, we cracked open a couple of tough and very necessary conversations, didn't we? What does it mean to be a man in a world that is constantly telling you who you're supposed to be? And it's not just an idea, is it? It's truly an inner battle. And so you might be leading a company, or maybe you're leading a team, or just showing up strong in the boardroom, but behind these closed doors, I'm wondering where did I go? What would it cost me to finally show up, just as myself? And I can tell you, I've been having that conversation with myself more and more this past year. And so the conversation isn't about rebellion. It's going to be about reconnection, and today's episode is going to give us everything that we need, from the language, the insight and the courage so we can begin this journey of authenticity. And so let's get into today's conversation. And so the first point I want to bring across is this cost of living a life defined by expectations, and it really resonates with me is that we really annoyingly shape our identity around what others expect. I can think of early in my career, in my life that success meant getting accolades or validation from others. So, whether that came from my family, from culture, religion or in my professional roles, this might help us fit in and be in that part of the in crowd. It really starts to disconnect us from what true authenticity is, and so over time, this cost of disconnection can be completely unbearable, and I don't know how long that'll take for you, but I guarantee you it's the road where it will lead to. And so over the time that we're boys, we think about this. We've been handed a blueprint about how to behave, how to achieve and how to express ourselves. It's about manning up right. It's about being the provider and don't cry. And I'm not saying that these aren't important and true pieces. They are.

Speaker 1: 5:14

But when these scripts get so ingrained they become part of our operating system, and I like the what the psychologist Carl Rogers says, that he argued that the more we conform to these external expectations, then the more we're going to lose touch with our true self, and so leading to a total incongruency about who we are, at least anxiety and to dissatisfaction. And so think about it. If you spent 20 years building a career in finance because that's how your father did it or that's what would make him proud, and then you wake up 20 years later, maybe you're 40, 45, and you're miserable, that's not failure, that's the cost of having unconscious compliance. So we have to consider the decisions that we make. Are we making them truly for ourselves? Are we making them to please others?

Speaker 1: 6:09

Second point I wanted to bring up is this mask that we wear and how it eventually does start to weigh us down. For many of us, as high-performing men, we wear this emotional and behavioral mask, don't we? It's for protecting our confidence. It's the stoicism that we live by, the perfection, or just truly feeling lost and maybe even a bit hollow, and so it is this false self that becomes a performance, and the performance in the end does become exhausting, doesn't it? Because we're not truly leaning into who we are, and so over time, we just start to feel like a stranger in our own life. Depression, anxiety and burnout just aren't for mental health issues. They also form part of our identity issues. Hbr had an article called the Hidden Cost of Wearing a Mask at Work, and it revealed that emotional dissonance is one of the top drivers of executive burnout and relationship failure. Stop to think about that Executive burnout. How often are we forcing ourselves to be doing things that drive the motive forward for others and not for ourself?

Speaker 1: 7:18

Third point I want to bring up on this topic is that the power really lies in choosing who we are. Freedom isn't going to come from rejecting responsibility we still are responsible for our lives and for supporting others but it will come from redefining it on our own terms. See, that's where true power comes in. It's the moment that we stop outsourcing our identity and then we start to become the author of who we are. And so men who take this step are going to begin to ask questions like what do I value independent of what I was taught? Think about that. What do I value versus to what I was taught? Now, maybe those values are similar, but they may need a slight change or a reframe.

Speaker 1: 8:03

The other question we start to ask ourselves is what legacy do I want to leave as myself, not as someone else's ideal? I think when we live from that perspective, we're truly going to arise and live more authentically. David Goggins, a famous former Navy SEAL, speaks candidly about. He was molded by others' expectations, and it took him to hit rock bottom and rebuild his identity from the inside out, and his story is a blueprint for inner sovereignty. And so when we start to think about what this means for ourselves and our lives, it's really about driving towards what means the most to us. And so Carl Jung says a privilege of a lifetime is to become who we truly are, and this takes work right.

Speaker 1: 8:48

And so the second point I want to bring across our table today is why most of us confuse achievement with identity. And so, in today's performance-driven world, more so than anywhere else, that many of us, man, we equate what we do with who we are. Right. What's the first question you ask somebody hey, what do you do? Titles become trophies, don't they? And to-do lists become our substitutes for our self-worth. What did I get done today? My to-do list was completed. But our achievements is really a reflection of action, isn't it? Sure, I got a bunch of stuff done, but does it match my identity? And so when external circumstances or success becomes our internal compass, then we're going to truly lose our ability to steer our life. And so achievement. Addiction is a culturally is what's being rewarded today, isn't it? And society often will reward us as men for who we are, but more for about how we are productive, how much we produce and how well we perform. It was from the boardroom to the backyard barbecue, right there are.

Speaker 1: 9:54

Many conversations are often centered about what we do you know how much we've done in our lives and, as a result, many of us men are going to build a fragile identity around career status, financial success and physical dominance. But what happens when the job disappears, whether that's through your own choice, through retirement or whatever? What then happens? What happens when our bodies start to break down? Without our true inner identity? These moments are going to become existential crises for us instead of just a transition from one season to the next. As Ryan Holiday says in the Ego is the Enemy.

Speaker 1: 10:36

Impressing people is utterly different from truly being impressive, and I think that's a really great message for us to take on no-transcript great to the world outside. To ourselves, we feel completely irrelevant. So I find that men in this position often feel like they're living someone else's life. I know that has been true for me for a long time and despite having money in the bank and maybe you're leading others. It's quite different when we wrestle with the shame of not knowing who we truly are, and so Dr Jordan Peterson warns us that if we don't stand for something inside ourselves, then we're going to fall for everything that's outside of us, and I think Dr Peterson makes a lot of sense there. Another thing I want us to consider is identity must be built from the inside out, and we've been saying this, I've been saying this entire episode.

Speaker 1: 11:56

See, our true masculine power doesn't come from proving ourselves to others. It comes from aligning our actions with our internal code, doesn't it? And that means pausing just long enough for us to pursue our what is meaningful. So I want you to ask yourself who do you want to be, not just what do I want to accomplish? When we can make this shift of validation to internal clarity, then that changes the game, doesn't it? We still pursue our task list, the things that we need to get done, but we pursue it from a completely different angle. It also allows us to start saying no, doesn't it, to things that maybe used to impress us, and now we can start saying yes to the things that really matter in our lives. It's about truly taking action on the things that we say, that we value, and especially if no one's around watching us when you think about the best-selling offer. And a former NFL player, lewis Howe, shares openly about chasing the external success to numb his inner shame until he finally confronted his past and redefined what success meant from a place of integrity, from wholeness. And so John Maxwell is one of my favorite authors says success is knowing your purpose in life, growing to reach your maximum potential and sowing seeds that benefits others.

Speaker 1: 13:21

So the third point I'd like to bring to this today's conversation is that the fear of judgment is silencing our true self. Many of us men fear that if we show up as our true selves, then we're going to be rejected, not just by society, but maybe by our family, by our peers, by our partners. And so we wear a mask and we pre-use this to project strength, while really what's happening is we're hiding our insecurities. But this constant performance isn't courage, it's quiet desperation and it's costing us our authenticity, our relationships and absolutely some inner peace. And that's because we've been conditioned to please and to perform.

Speaker 1: 14:07

And so when we consider, at an early age we are told who we are, that we should be tough, decisive, stoic and dependable. And again, these are all great virtues, but when they become rigid expectations, that's when they're going to stifle how we express ourselves and our individuality. And so, as boys, we need to learn to love, being good, right, and then we have to suppress the pain about being strong and follow a script that doesn't fit who we are as new, unique individuals. And so it's through this programming that leads many men to develop people pleasing behaviors or become overachievers, just so that we can get this validation rather than having our own self-acceptance. And so this is how we become chameleons, and we're always shifting to who we are, depending on who's watching and who is in front of us or trying to impress.

Speaker 1: 15:01

So there's this fear of judgment that really weighs us down, right, it's being misunderstood or maybe emasculated or rejected, and so this becomes a mental prison for ourselves, and whether it's from a father figure, maybe it's even a religious upbringing or social group, but this fear causes us to self-censor, right, we hide from our dreams, we downplay our sensitivities, we start to conform because we want to avoid conflict, and the internal suppression does start to lead to anxiety and resentment and fractured relationships, because when we can't express who we truly are, then how can we fully connect to others? I know this takes work, guys. It takes time and it takes some patience to figure this stuff out, but as a result, if we don't do this, we're going to feel like outsiders in our own lives. So the real courage is going to show up as who we are, even and especially when it's hard. Our true masculine courage isn't going to be about how we're fighting our battles or how, if we needed to dominate others. It's about standing firm in who we are, even when it's inconvenient. It might be unpopular, it could very well be misunderstood because they're used to seeing a certain mask. So this doesn't mean saying yes to the life that you were meant to live. It's about saying no to the life that others expect from you. But also, does it mean you're just being rebellious just for the sake of it? It means living in alignment with what our convictions are, what our values are and what's truthful, and with that kind of integrity. That's the magnet that has quality into it, because it's going to inspire respect, it's going to invite deeper relationships and it's going to unlock your true potential.

Speaker 1: 16:55

I think about Terry Crews, another former NFL player. He once shared how he hid behind hyper-masculinity to survive, and it wasn't until therapy helped him shed those layers and rediscover his authentic self, and that started to transform his marriage, his career and who he was as a man. And so EE Cummings says it takes courage to grow up and become who we really are. When I think about the story of Mark and Mark is a 42-year-old high-achieving executive, and on paper, yeah, he looked like a typical executive. He had everything going for him a six-figure salary, truly beautiful home, a wife, two kids. They're respected by his peers.

Speaker 1: 17:37

But behind the scenes he truly did feel hollow, and every day he woke up with this weight on his chest, not from stress, but from pretending to be this perfect husband, pretending to love his high-powered role, pretending to be a strong, emotionless man as his father had raised him to be. He wore a mask so long that he forgot what his real face looked like. He told himself he should be happy, but deep down Mark knew he was living someone else's idea of success. Then the cracks started to show when Mark's wife confronted him during a weekend getaway I don't even know who you are anymore she said You're always on, but you're never here that sentence hit him like a punch in the gut.

Speaker 1: 18:22

Mark realized he had become emotionally unavailable, disconnected not just with his family but from himself. He had been performing for approval, terrified that showing weakness would lead to rejection. And then what was the result? He had very shallow relationships. He had chronic burnout and a gnawing sense of disconnection with his own soul. Of course, mark had to finally ask himself a question we talked about earlier who am I when no one is watching? A question we talked about earlier.

Speaker 1: 18:53

Who am I when no one is watching? His turning point came during a coaching retreat. One of the facilitators asked him a question that stopped him dead in his tracks what do you want that you're afraid to say out loud. Mark's answer came out just trembling I want to stop pretending. I want to be myself, even if it means disappointing people. That moment changed everything for Mark. He realized he didn't have to abandon his responsibilities to find himself. He didn't need to stop living on autopilot. He stopped saying yes when he meant no and started to reconnect to what he wanted, not what the world expected of him. And it was for the first time in decades that Mark started to feel this weight of relief off his shoulders. It wasn't because he was quitting. No, he was choosing.

Speaker 1: 19:49

And over the next year Mark had to make a series of bold but grounded shifts in his life. He initiated much deeper conversations with his wife. He rebuilt trust with his kids by being more emotionally present, and even stepped back from work obligations that didn't align with his core values. Now he still showed up as a leader, but this time he was on his own terms. He started to set boundaries. He told the truth. He lived with courage, even when it made others uncomfortable, and, ironically, the more authentic he became, the more respect he earned, not just from others, but from himself. The takeaway from this is that mark didn't burn his whole life down, did he? The takeaway from this is that Mark didn't burn his whole life down, did he? But he did reclaim it. He stopped trying to be everything for everyone and started being someone for himself, and that's the power of choosing our identity over expectation. That's the courage to be a revolutionary man, and so I offer you a few tips here to help us really become revolutionary in our lives.

Speaker 1: 20:58

When I think about our first tip taking identity inventory and so why is this important? Most of us inherit our sense of identity from outside sources we have been talking about that this entire episode whether it's from family or culture, religion or a career. This is an exercise that help us reconnect with who our inner compass is, and by identifying what truly matters to what we are. The mistake that most men are going to make is that they're going to confuse role with identity, believing that we are only as valuable as the job title that we have, our income or our relationship status, and so what I'd like you to do is to set aside 20 minutes this week and ask yourself what do I value when no one's watching? What would I do if I didn't fear judgment? And then write these answers down and highlight the themes that feel most energizing and freeing to you.

Speaker 1: 21:51

The next tip I want to give you is to stop performing and start practicing. See when we live authentically. It isn't about dramatic life changes, is it? It's about small daily practices that align our actions with our core beliefs. But most of us are going to wait for a major life shift. It's either going to come through burnout or a breakdown Maybe it's in personal breakdown or relationship breakdown before we start living differently, and I'm going to encourage you to not do that anymore. Instead, choose one area of your life where you're performing. Instead, just show up honestly whether it's with your spouse, your boss, your friends and practice saying what you really mean, of course, with respect. At least once this week, see how things start to shift for you.

Speaker 1: 22:39

Tip number three embrace discomfort as your compass. See, the path of true authenticity is often going to feel uncomfortable because it challenges our long-held beliefs and our habits. In this discomfort, it's not going to be a sign of failure. It's going to be a signal for a step for you to grow. And so most of us are going to avoid this because we're going to retreat into our routine, we're going to start numbing our behaviors, we're going to get passive, aggressive. And instead I'm going to ask you, the next time you feel this resistance building in you to speak your truth is just a pause, breathe for five seconds, then say the thing that you're afraid to say with presence and being in the moment. Start, small guys. It takes courage that's going to build this repetition for you to take on bigger topics.

Speaker 1: 23:31

Tip number four you want to curate a circle of truth tellers. You can't become yourself in isolation, right? You can't become your true self sitting at home. You need men around you to challenge you, to sharpen you and to help support your growth. But most of us men will surround ourselves with people who validate our masks instead of exposing our potential. And so I'm going to ask you, challenge you in this moment, to identify one man in your life who can tell you the truth without sugarcoating it. Invite him into some deep conversation with you. And if you don't have that man, then start being that man for someone else.

Speaker 1: 24:12

And tip number five. I'd like you to start auditing your shoulds. Many expectations that we live by were never consciously chosen. Many expectations that we live by were never consciously chosen. I should be a breadwinner. I should never show weakness. I should always provide. These are shoulds that run our lives silently. But in the end, what do we normally do? We just follow these outdated scripts out of guilt, and it's out of alignment. So I'm going to ask you to stop being a should head. I want you to write a list of being a should head. I want you to write a list of the top five things that you feel you should be doing right now and cross out anyone that isn't rooted in your values, and then rewrite them as I choose to or I let go of.

Speaker 1: 24:58

There's lots of resources out there, and doing this men's work over the last four or so years has really opened up my eyes to the work that I continue to do. The more that I find I learn about myself, the more I realize of how much further I have to go, and so I want to offer you some resources to help you continue your growth journey. One of my most favorite books on men's personal development is King Warrior, magician Lover by Robert Moore and Doug Gillette. It's really a foundational text that explores these archetypes of the mature masculine. It helps men understand our core energies and also how we can become distorted by cultural conditioning, and it's a great deep dive into understand where true masculine power resides and how we can integrate and not dominate. Another great book that I've have supported me tremendously in my growth has been the Way of the Superior man by David Deida. David talks a lot about living, loving and leading from our true self, and so if we're not living at the edge of our truth, then we're not living with an open heart. If we don't do that, then we're going to end up by dying with regrets.

Speaker 1: 26:08

And the last thing I'm going to leave you is a tool. It's built on these tips that we talked about today, and I call it the Authenticity Compass Worksheet, and so this is going to be a self-reflection tool You'll be able to download it in today's resources and to guide men through identifying internal versus external expectation. It's going to help you really look at your personal values and the areas where you're living out of alignment, and it's going to provide space to rewrite your personal mission based on truth, that's not on performance, and so, again, I'll have that in the episodes show notes. Gentlemen, really, at the end of the day, living authentically isn't about rebellion. It's going to be about alignment Alignment with our deepest values, our boldest truth and the kind of man that we are born to be, and it's not the man that others expect us to be. And so the world is always going to throw expectations at us, isn't it? But the question is will to throw expectations at us, isn't it? But the question is will you mold yourself to fit them? Will you rise and carve your own path? And so your challenge I leave for you today is to take one insight from today's episode, whether it's identifying your identity anchors, setting new boundaries or reflecting on the authenticity compass. Reflecting on the authenticity compass and then apply it, not tomorrow, not next week, apply it today.

Speaker 1: 27:31

A revolution begins when you make your first decision. So if you are truly serious about becoming the man you've created to be, unapologetically, unshakably you, then it's time to take action. Go to our membership site, memberstheawakenedmannet, and take our integrity challenge. It's your personal roadmap to aligning your actions with your purpose, reclaiming your authenticity and your masculinity. Leave a comment, drop a review and let's share this episode with a brother who's ready to rise Every time we engage. Gentlemen, it helps us equip more men to break the mold and to lead with truth. And so the strongest men? They don't conform. We decide. So decide now. Let's lead with authenticity, let's live with integrity, and I'll see you next time on the Revolutionary man Podcast.

Speaker 2: 28:22

Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary man podcast. Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the man you are destined to be? Join the brotherhood that is the Awakened man at theawakendmannet and start forging a new destiny today.